“Perhaps it’s time for fighters to be fought for, for holders to be held, and for lovers to be loved.” ~Unknown
Growing up, I had no reference for what a healthy relationship looked like. My parents had an affair and gave birth to me. My father and I were estranged for about ten years, and I spent my childhood with my mother and stepfather. And both are far from healthy.
I distinctly remember one day they had an argument. Things got so intense that he angrily threw a glass of wine at her as she walked to the door to go to work.
Luckily, the glass hit the wall as my mom closed the door, laughing at my stepfather’s failed attempt to hurt her. I, a little girl, was left to clean up the mess and deal with my stepfather’s wrath. Since he couldn’t target her now, he had no problem targeting me, beating and abusing me throughout my childhood.
To make matters worse, we live very isolated lives. Before my mom finally decided to leave him, I would never hang out at a friend’s house or invite people over. When I was seventeen, we nervously packed our bags and ran away, leaving my stepfather behind.
Due to the abuse and isolation, I knew almost no other family dynamics. You may laugh at me, but since I have nowhere to watch, sometimes Brazilian TV series are my main source of information.
When I think about this, this day comes to mind.
I saw myself, a scrawny little black girl with short, relaxed hair, sitting on the floor, watching a TV show with her mom and two brothers while dreaming of a TV show-like love relationship. I remember the main characters on screen passionately expressing their love for each other. My eyes sparkled with awe, hoping that one day that would be me.
I don’t know if my mother would notice how hopeful I looked, but she would reduce my hopes to zero by reminding me that this doesn’t happen in real life.
Good times, huh? Nowadays, I laugh while living my TV-style relationships, minus the toxic nature of those shows. I’m glad she was wrong!
However, for years, I believed that I was unworthy of love and that no one wanted to be in a long-term relationship with me, which kept me trapped in an unhealthy, loveless relationship cycle.
Fortunately, as I began to recover, I realized that was not the case. It’s just something the adults in my life taught me through words and actions when I was a kid. Let’s face it; I didn’t have the best examples growing up.
But as I always say, just because you didn’t have good role models growing up, doesn’t mean you can’t be a role model.
Still, I have to be honest with myself. Even though I was open to a healthy, long-term relationship, I had no idea how that would work, so I knew I had to start from scratch. Let me tell you: I’ve learned some valuable lessons on this journey and I can’t wait to share them with you.
#1. Your relationship with yourself will determine the types of relationships you attract.
It wasn’t until I was in my late thirties that I realized I was still treating myself like an abuser. Before I realized this, my self-talk was atrocious: I would call myself stupid, ugly, silly, weirdo…as I said, atrocious. On top of that, I would deny myself, sabotage any chance of real success, put everyone in front of me, and bully myself all day long.
I later learned that although we tend to do these things internally, they inevitably show up in all areas of our lives. For example, when people with bad intentions see that we have no self-respect, they will step in and disrespect us. Self-centered people notice our lack of boundaries, and guess what they do? Yes, they cross the line again and again.
I learned the hard way that others will treat you the same way you treat yourself. So when you want to build a healthy, long-term relationship, the first step is to repair your relationship with yourself.
#2. Boredom is a good thing.
I’ve noticed that most of the time when survivors like me talk about feeling bored in a relationship, we’re not actually talking about being bored; We’re just not familiar with peace and “normality.” This is something I’ve definitely experienced.
I remember feeling this way one day. Nothing special happened, but I felt a strange uneasiness as I walked down the street. My survivor brain immediately started thinking something was wrong; I started sifting through my thoughts, looking for problems and things to worry about. Then it dawned on me: I just felt peaceful and at peace. There is absolutely nothing to worry about, it’s healthy and no problem. I’m just not used to it. Absolutely not.
When it comes to relationships, if we get used to unhealthy patterns and make them the norm, it can feel weird when things are good. This is why we may be tempted to look for problems and things to worry about in our relationships when, in fact, everything is fine because we don’t realize that’s what healthy feels like – peace.
Of course, if you are really bored and have no love, that’s a different matter. But I think it’s worth checking in just in case our brains are trying to trick us into sabotaging real, healthy love and sending us back to the “familiar,” which for many of us means unhealthy.
I know how crazy this sounds, but trust me, our brains think all familiar things are good and it takes some time to reprogram. I felt like this was the perfect opportunity to start working on the reprogramming. what do you think?
#3. Healthy love is easy.
As someone who grew up watching toxic relationships on TV, endured abuse, and endured the pressures and influences of society, I once believed that love is hard, painful, striving, and takes work. lots of work.
I spent half my life chasing butterflies in my heart, only to discover that those butterflies were actually anxiety because my now ex-partner didn’t make me feel safe.
If there’s one thing I’m confident about today, it’s that healthy love is easy and flows. Yes, you’ll have challenges, but the entire relationship doesn’t feel like a struggle.
I promise you, you will know healthy love when you see it, especially after you begin to heal your relationship with yourself and begin to find peace instead of the emotions associated with trauma.
Do you know what it feels like to carry the weight of a relationship? This doesn’t happen in a healthy partnership. The same goes for questioning your partner’s love and devotion to you and the relationship.
But here’s the thing: We can only experience this if we start to heal and stop wasting time in unhealthy relationships.
You see, the opportunities to find people who don’t fit in with you are endless, and of course, you’ll meet some interesting characters. The secret is not to waste time there. Keep moving. Real and healthy love is coming!
I hope this inspires you to welcome and cultivate true love and healthier relationships instead of letting your past experiences tell you what you can and cannot have.
You deserve a beautiful, fulfilling, loving relationship. Let it in.
