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While joining a team can be transformative for many agents, not all teams are thriving, healthy organizations. I’ve heard many horror stories over the years and almost 100% of the cases come down to dysfunctional relationships.
For a team to function effectively, although it is a business, it also needs to function like a family. Therefore, the same relationship rules that apply to a family or even a partnership such as marriage also apply to a team.
Terrence Realan internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, and author, gives us five strategies for failure that can erode relationships and harm group dynamics.
1. Need to be correct
If I’m being honest from the beginning, I’m guilty as charged. A quick discussion with my wife will confirm that I have been struggling with this issue for years. Ironically, even though I think I’m right most of the time, as my wife knows, the need to be right can be very degrading and destructive.
Terrance Real said this about this issue in marriage: “You can be right or you can get married. What is more important to you?
This definitely applies to group relationships. While there are absolutes in contract-based real estate that can measure right and wrong, there is often plenty of room for flexibility and grace in the relationships that make up a team. In a relationship, one person is always right, which means the other is usually wrong or unwise: this type of system is not the basis for a successful and happy relationship.
While the temptation is to be right – and ironically, many of the people who think they are right may often be right – the goal is to find solutions and consensus rather than always insisting on one’s own views and wishes in a dictatorial manner.
In extreme cases, the need to be right can quickly turn into self-righteous indignation. For example, if you are ever behind a very slow driver in the far left lane, you need to be right – “This person shouldn’t be in this lane; this person shouldn’t be in this lane “They should be in the slow lane” – can quickly turn into, “This person is in the wrong lane; they are an idiot” – which can lead to aggressive behavior to “help” the offending driver realize they are in the wrong lane and Give way.
From a team perspective, instead of using grace to help team members reach consensus, those who disagree are labeled as “stupid.” Rather than working to build community, toxic self-righteousness can destroy relationships and undermine a team’s ability to function as a cohesive unit.
Evidence of this behavior includes giving team members negative incentives, public scolding, passing judgment, bullying and even insulting labels. If allowed to escalate, it can lead to angry and abusive outbursts.
In this environment, it is impossible to effectively meet customer needs. Unfortunately, in our culture, self-righteous anger is celebrated rather than viewed as toxic and destructive. We often hear, “I have my rights, this is wrong, I’m angry, I’m not going to accept this anymore.” Rather than being recognized for out-of-control behavior, it is often praised. If left to fester, it can even lead to violence.
2. Control others
If your passion as a real estate agent is providing the highest level of customer service, you will become obsessed with controlling every aspect of the process. However, this is not the same as trying to control team members through manipulation.
In marriage, this can be expressed through comments such as “If you really loved me, you would ______________” or “If you did ______________, then I would be happy.” A famous quip provides an example of this: “The man may be the head, but the wife is the neck that turns the head.”
In a team situation, this means that you try to get any particular member of the team to do what you want them to do through psychological manipulation. An example would be, “If you really want to fit in with this group, then you need to ____________.” On the other hand, it could be that team members believe they are invaluable to the team, regardless of their actual contribution, and they try to take advantage Manipulate to please the team leader in order to stay on the team.
Don’t confuse this with team standards: any successful and healthy team has extensive and well-documented standards, expectations, and in many cases, an actual scoreboard to measure compliance with the standards. In this type of environment, no action is required.
Everyone knows the standards and expectations, there is no need to enforce them. A team leader was asked by a team member, “What happens if I achieve my goal?” Simply put, “You can stay on the team.”
The dark side behind trying to control team members is that it’s not about meeting team standards; It’s more about making the person trying to control the other person feel good about themselves. This is an insidious form of narcissism that has no place in a healthy team relationship.
3. Unfettered self-expression
One of the problems with reality TV is that it gives the impression that uncontrolled outbursts are normal and an accepted way of dealing with problems. Let’s be honest, anyone who can’t control their temper or other emotions and thinks they can emotionally confide in others at any time is acting like a spoiled child.
The idea comes from Freud’s way of thinking that if you can’t fully express yourself, then your suppressed emotions will build up pressure like a steam boiler until they explode. While this mentality may be prevalent in young children, it has no place in mature adult relationships.
In the relationship between husband and wife, Terrence Real Explains: “Let me assure you: whenever an idea pops into your head, you will not die if you don’t express it. Furthermore, ventilation is no inalienable rights. You can vent, or you can seek solutions. Which is more important to you?
“I’m not saying that expressing yourself is always a bad thing, but I am saying that it must be done very carefully and thoughtfully. Furthermore, expressing yourself, even when done well, will not in itself get you more of what you want. Stuff. In order to do this, you have to let your partner know what you want and then do your best to help him achieve his goals.
“What you need to understand about unbridled self-expression is that telling your partner exactly and unequivocally how horrible you are for his behavior may not be the most effective way to elicit a generous response.”
The same principle applies to teams. Self-expression is important to maintaining open and honest team relationships, but this expression needs to be constructive and designed to build others up, not cut them at the knees.
In a healthy team, there will never be an environment where you can dump all your emotions on someone else just to “get it off your chest.” Healthy relationships are built on transparent, thoughtful communication that is designed to build, not destroy.
4. Revenge
The phrase “Don’t be angry, get even” was made famous by John F. Kennedy in an interview with American journalist Ben Bradley and has become an iconic phrase in the United States. In a nutshell, it means: “Don’t waste time and energy being angry about something someone did; don’t waste time and energy.” Instead, find a way to repay them for their inappropriate behavior. This behavior is better known as passive-aggressive behavior, which Real defines as “the covert expression of anger through restraint.”
Anyone who has been married for more than a minute will immediately recognize this behavior. Unfortunately, this behavior isn’t limited to couples—it often occurs in teams, too. When things don’t go well in a team environment and someone on the team feels maligned or victimized in some way, instead of constructively addressing the issue through an open dialogue, they sit back and actually try to talk through. Destroying the other party through inaction.
For most of us, our innate humanity demands that those who wrong us (in our opinion) should be punished. Since outright aggression is not allowed, subversive behavior often prevails. This can lead to passive refusal to participate in group activities, or worse, to allow other group members to be harmed by inaction.
The problem with this behavior in a team environment is that the offended party can actually damage the morale of the team and, in interactions with customers, damage the reputation of the entire team.
5. Withdrawal
As a couple’s relationship progresses, one or the other often realizes that some of their hopes and dreams for the relationship are not going to come true. Sometimes, in the middle of a heated argument, a person may fly into a rage and storm out of the room.
While this is not an acceptable response, at least it does not sever the relationship. A better option is to ask for a break in the discussion to let things cool down and then resume the discussion at a scheduled time.
Even more insidiously, withdrawal occurs slowly and silently over time. Instead of continuing to work through the problem and come up with a satisfactory solution, one or both parties simply fall back into self-preservation mode. With that comes a corresponding lack of enthusiasm.
Once this happens, moving forward becomes impossible and the relationship begins to wither. Ironically, this action is the worst solution because it eliminates the possibility of getting the relationship back on track.
In a team environment, withdrawal for any reason effectively eliminates the team’s ability to work in a cohesive manner. First, there should never be an environment where team members angrily force their way out of a conversation.
If it is clear that the disagreement is only going to escalate, a timeout should be taken and a time and place for re-engagement agreed upon. In some cases, like marriage counseling, team members may agree to get outside help from a trusted third party to help resolve issues. Simply walking away is never a valid option.
Over the years, I have seen team members slowly drift apart over many issues. This does them no good and can create rifts within the team, resulting in a less than ideal team environment and culture. Efforts should be made to re-engage these team members.
For those with seemingly irreconcilable differences, the ultimate solution may be for them to leave the team and find an environment that resonates more with them. In these cases, leaving is an agreed-upon action by all parties involved, rather than a person’s diminished presence over time.
Managing a team is like leading a family: it takes a concerted effort to keep the relationship intact and functioning healthily. The good news is, it’s worth the effort, and when everyone plays their part the way they should, the rewards for all are truly amazing.
