“You are most powerful when you don’t seek or need recognition.” ~Caroline Mays
Deep down in my heart, I know I shouldn’t rely on other people’s approval. However, for a long time I found myself seeking external validation to define my worth.
I was constantly seeking comfort from friends, family and even strangers. Their approval became a measure of my self-esteem, trapping me in a cycle of doubt and insecurity.
I had many accomplishments, but the accolades and praise never felt like enough. The need for external recognition sapped my energy, obscured my own sense of accomplishment, and robbed me of any real pride in my accomplishments.
It seemed like I had the best job and everyone admired my success. Despite the influx of external recognition, I felt an emptiness inside that reminded me that I was looking for validation in all the wrong places.
I had a nagging feeling that something wasn’t right.
But is it the right thing to do? Is anything you do in life out of a desperate need for validation really fulfilling?
Interestingly, not only did I know that I didn’t want to rely on external validation, but deep down, I also knew that people who constantly seek validation tend to be less content.
I am one of those people who is willing to sacrifice my own desires to gain approval and recognition from others. It was clear that this reliance on external validation was blocking my true self-acceptance and happiness.
So why do I continue on this path? Why do I keep seeking approval from others when I know deep down that it’s not good for me? Most importantly, how to overcome this toxic need?
Before discussing the mindset required to overcome the need for external validation, let’s talk about the mindset that will almost certainly lead to a dependence on external validation.
You see, it’s usually better to first figure out what to avoid than to try to blindly navigate your way through a maze. I know because these are my own mistakes.
A mentality that leads to reliance on external validation
1. Pursue perfection
For a long time, I couldn’t escape the temptation of perfection. I always had to strive for perfection and believed that was the key to validation. But the truth is, perfection is just an illusion. It sets an unrealistic standard and creates an insatiable need for external validation.
We develop a perfectionist mindset because we are afraid of being judged or rejected. However, it blocks self-acceptance and prevents us from embracing our true selves.
2. fear of failure
Fear of failure goes hand in hand with seeking external validation. This is the trap we fall into – we see failure as a reflection of our worth. We think that just because we have fallen, we are somehow smaller. We don’t realize that we can learn and grow from our failures because we’re too afraid of what others will think.
3. comparison trap
Seeking validation in comparison leads to a never-ending cycle of frustration. For me, it’s the constant need to be better than others. For others, it’s simply being recognized as equals. Some people may gain recognition by getting more social media likes or job promotions than their peers. Whenever we seek validation through comparison, it is often a trap.
4. Seek everyone’s approval
While I’m not always a people-pleaser, seeking everyone’s approval and sacrificing my own needs and desires has become ingrained in my identity. Then, when I realized this, I found myself having to build a new life based on my own values and desires. If I had developed an entire identity instead of seeking universal approval, I wouldn’t have fallen into the trap of constantly trying to please everyone.
5. External validation as a measure of self-worth
You deserve promotions, honors, and recognition from others. Living by external validation is the only way to measure your self-worth, right? You should be constantly complimented to feel good about yourself.
But you shouldn’t. You know the metaphors, but the truth is: external validation can never truly define your worth. And you are the only one who can see beyond the opinions of others to recognize and embrace your own inner worth.
6. Ignore inner reflection
For a long time, I was looking for external validation because I didn’t know who I was. But after countless disappointments, I gave up on this approach completely.
For several months, I stopped seeking approval and turned inward. I’m learning more and more about my values, my passions, and my authentic self. Only by putting ourselves first and cultivating self-awareness can we build a solid foundation for self-validation.
So, what mindset can help you overcome your need for external validation?
I can’t give you a definite answer because I don’t know you. I am not a psychology or mental health expert. I’m just a guy who tried, failed, lived, failed, and did it all over again.
So just like I gave you insights on what not to do based on my personal experience, I’m going to give you some insights based on how I live my life right now.
1. Embrace imperfection
Every experience I have now is an opportunity to grow. I try not to strive for perfection but to accept imperfection as part of being human. I don’t feel bitter about my shortcomings; instead, I see them as stepping stones to becoming a better version of myself.
I try to view the results as lessons, not as a measure of my worth. I stopped using external validation as a benchmark and focused more on self-acceptance and personal growth.
If you don’t accept imperfection, you can’t experience true growth. They operate at different ends of the same spectrum and wavelength to shape us into resilient individuals. If you try to avoid imperfection, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to learn, develop, and ultimately become your authentic self.
2. Self-defined success
That doesn’t mean I don’t care about other people’s opinions; I do. But I don’t construct an identity around their validation. I focus on living a life that aligns with my values and desires.
I very much welcome having people experience this and of course their support and encouragement is valuable. But I no longer seek external validation or base my self-worth on it. I don’t analyze every comment or reaction as if they are saying something about who I am. The goal is to stay true to yourself, define your own success, and find satisfaction from within.
3. Authenticity and vulnerability
I feel no pressure to present a curated version of myself for validation. I could easily shape my image to fit social expectations, but it didn’t matter. I will not continue to seek likes and approval. I’m just being myself, unapologetically.
This isn’t just a mindset I use for personal gain; it’s about real life. I now view authenticity and vulnerability as strengths and prioritize self-expression over seeking approval from others. It’s a path filled with courage, growth, meaningful connections, resilience, and living with integrity.
4. Internal verification practices
I learned how to validate myself—who I am, what I like, my values—because I realized that seeking validation from others is a never-ending quest and I can never control how others see me. I also take the time to acknowledge and celebrate my accomplishments. I think everything in my life, no matter how big or small, deserves recognition.
Going forward, my attitude shifts toward self-appreciation and recognizing that my worth is independent of external validation. This is a never-ending process, but it is also the most useful process for self-empowerment, self-compassion, intrinsic motivation, balanced self-knowledge, and authentic self-acceptance.
5. Constructive self-talk
I also have moments of insincerity when I portray a character who is inconsistent with who I really am, leading to a sense of dissonance and self-deception. I also spent a lot of time criticizing myself and doubting my worth and abilities, without realizing that I was looking at myself through a distorted lens.
Going forward, I decided to be honest with myself. Stop pretending to be someone I’m not. I will never lie about my worth again.
This is the hardest part: replacing self-criticism with self-compassion and encouragement. However, cultivating a mindset of positive and constructive self-talk is critical to developing self-esteem and self-acceptance.
6. Embrace supportive relationships
Ironically, we often hide our true identities so that others can validate our worth, but how can they validate our worth if they don’t truly know us? We may also strive to seek approval from those who are unable or unwilling to give it.
None of us can live alone. But rather than changing to please others or seeking approval from the wrong people, we should surround ourselves with supportive and uplifting people who value and appreciate us for who we are.
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So, what should you do with these suggestions?
I suggest you analyze them. Throw away the ones that don’t resonate with you and keep the ones that do.
It’s important that you see which mindsets are guiding your life and release those that aren’t serving you so you can be free to live in the present moment, uncontrolled by other people’s opinions and the endless pursuit of validation .
