“If you feel like you’re missing out on fulfillment and happiness but can’t figure out why, there may be a deeper reason. Believe it or not, anyone can develop an unconscious habit of self-deprivation. Often, this This habit starts in childhood ~Mike Bondrant.
Throughout my adolescence and well over a decade into adulthood, I was what men (and I guess some female friends) would call an “emotionally needy person.” Some people did. In front of me. With a feeling of condescension and judgment.
They are right. I was clingy, insecure, and vulnerable. I need regular comfort. I’m always looking for signs that someone might be rejecting or abandoning me.
I also relied heavily on external validation because I didn’t believe I was worthy or good enough. I treat myself as if I’m something I’m not.
I often deprive myself of the things that might make me feel happy and whole, while numbing myself with other things that make me feel worse about myself and even more exhausted.
Instead of expressing my feelings about the things that hurt me, I tried to drown and burn my emotions with alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana.
Instead of sharing myself authentically and building relationships with people who seemed receptive and trustworthy, I changed my image and chased one emotionally unavailable person after another — repeating a humiliating A painful yet familiar pattern of rejection and neglect.
Then I neglected my physical needs in many ways. Like forcing myself to work more when I really need a break – so that I can accomplish enough that I feel worthy of love.Or forcing myself to move when I really need a break – so I don’t become Old enough to attract the same abuse I suffered as a bullied child.
I can’t remember exactly when it happened, but I eventually realized that I was so needy because I didn’t value or respect my own needs – so I looked to other people to do it. This is the ultimate disempowerment. I am a fragile person and I desperately want someone to fill my heart and make me believe that I deserve it.
But the irony is that when you don’t believe you deserve good things, you’re more likely to sabotage or reject them when they come your way. If you even put yourself in a position to achieve those goals.
The truth is, no one else can be responsible for meeting all of our needs. Most people who try (and inevitably fail) are dealing with their own wounds—fulfilling some kind of savior complex stemming from childhood trauma. Another pattern I’m all too familiar with.
If we want to feel happy, valuable, and loved, we must take responsibility for meeting these needs in ourselves.
This doesn’t mean we can’t build relationships with people who see value in us. It’s just that we don’t rely on their opinions to sustain our own. We don’t ask for anything (or much) from them to fill our own cups. Because not only do we have the awareness and tools to do it ourselves, but we also have the confidence we deserve.
If you can relate to any of my stories, or even just some of them, there’s a good chance that you, too, have trouble recognizing and respecting your own needs. This may not only affect your relationships.
It may manifest as worsening mental or physical health. If you force yourself to do too many things, it can lead to burnout, especially in a toxic work culture. It can also lead to a sense of emptiness and purposelessness if you continually ignore that inner voice telling you that you are unfulfilled.
The first step to changing all of this is to recognize that you are devaluing and lowering the priority of your needs and do some self-reflection to understand why.
When we understand the conditions and beliefs that shape us, we are able to engage in inner healing that can lead to significant outer change.
It was only when I healed my deepest core wounds that I was able to change my patterns because I was no longer built on a foundation of trauma, but instead built on a foundation of self-love. Self-love begins with the tiniest of seeds and eventually grows into a mighty tree—just like the one at the top of this website.
Not sure why you ignored your needs? Maybe, like me, you have experienced some of the following things.
6 reasons why we ignore our own needs
1. You grow up watching others put yourself last.
If your parents or caregivers continually neglected themselves while trying to please others, you may have learned from their example that putting yourself first is selfish or wrong.
They probably thought the same thing, maybe for the same reasons. Patterns of self-neglect, self-destruction, and self-destruction are often passed down from generation to generation until someone says “no more” and takes action to break the cycle.
2. Through the way you were treated growing up, you learned that your needs don’t matter, or are as important as everyone else’s needs.
If your parents or caregivers often ignore or ignore your needs, or as a form of punishment, you may come to the conclusion that you don’t deserve to have your needs met, or that whenever you make a mistake, you should Deprived in some way.
When you were a child, you may not have realized that when your parents failed to be there when you needed them, it was because them Wrong, it’s not you.
This doesn’t mean they are bad people or even bad parents. They are likely to repeat the same experiences as children again because they don’t know any better. (but now you Do.
3. You think being needy is somehow wrong or a sign of weakness.
You may mistakenly believe that neediness equals neediness—perhaps because others have ingrained this belief in you, directly or indirectly. Maybe by denying your feelings, gaslighting you when you speak up for yourself, or shaming you for asking for help.
But as I’ve realized, there’s a huge difference between having a need and having a need. What’s more, when you are able to recognize and respect your own needs, you no longer rely on others to do it for you. This is the exact opposite of needy.
4. You feel it’s unsafe to prioritize yourself because others may hurt, judge, or abandon you.
If you have been hurt, judged, and abandoned as a result of trying to get your needs met in the past, you may subconsciously worry that this will happen again. So even thinking about getting your needs met may make you panic.
If you’re anything like me, you may not realize that losing the people around you would be better. Can Failing to express your needs.
5. You believe you need to earn good things, but you haven’t done enough to deserve them.
In our achievement-focused culture, if you don’t achieve anything impressive, it’s easy to conclude that you’re not good enough. If this is true for you, then you may be putting most of your needs on hold until you achieve something that makes you feel valuable.
In my twenties, I spent many days and nights staring at the computer, thinking that if I could just find a way to make a mark and make some decent money in the process, everything would change in my life. Better.I didn’t think I’d feel better at that moment By getting away, taking care of my needs, and allowing myself to do the things I love while at the same time.
6. You live in survival mode and you don’t even notice your needs because you’re focused on getting through the day.
If you’re living in a chronic state of stress due to trauma, grief, or burnout, you’re most likely doing the bare minimum just to keep your head above water. When you’re in survival mode, you don’t have the energy to focus on your needs, no matter how big or small.
I lived through this when I was at my worst mentally and physically, battling depression and bulimia while also suppressing deep trauma. As a chronically sleep-deprived, new mom with no village, I’ve been through something similar (but much less life-threatening).
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If you nodded while reading any of the above, you now have a good starting point for changing your paradigm.
The next step is to check in with yourself regularly and ask yourself two questions:
- What do I need right now—physically, mentally, and/or emotionally—to feel and be my best?
- What false beliefs do I need to challenge in order to meet this need?
The first question requires you to be brutally honest with yourself and let go of your instinct to judge your own needs. Because they may be different from others.
You may need to share your feelings in a trusting space, while others in similar situations may not need the same type of emotional support.
You may need to stand up and move around, while others may be able to continue the task at hand for longer.
You may need time by yourself to recharge, while others may be fine or even content with longer social interactions.
It’s important to remember that you are not them, and that’s not only okay, it’s beautiful! Because respecting your unique needs allows you to bring out your best unique self.
As for the second question, when you stop and really think about why you might choose to deprive yourself, you give yourself an opportunity to challenge your instinctive behavior and overcome your limitations.
I find that small pauses can have a huge impact.
In a brief pause, I realized that I needed to allow myself to cry, rather than push down the painful feelings and bury any hope of happiness. This is not wrong or a sign of weakness, but a precursor to feeling stronger.
In a brief pause, I realized I needed to get out and not isolate myself or force myself to be productive. I don’t need to accomplish anything to deserve relief and connection.
When someone mistreats or belittles me, in the longer pauses, I find the strength to speak up. Because I remember that, contrary to what I concluded when I was younger, I am worthy of love and respect.
Understanding this is key to meeting our needs. Because meeting our needs is the first way we provide these things for ourselves.
About Lori Deschen
Lori Deschene is the founder of Little Buddha. After battling depression, bulimia, PTSD, and toxic shame, she started the website so she could channel her previous pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. She recently created the Breaking Self-Care Barriers e-course to help people overcome internal barriers to meeting their needs so they can feel their best, do their best, and live their best life. If you’re ready to start thriving rather than just surviving, you can learn more here and get access now.
