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You can’t rock a dead cat in your personal development space without hearing someone tell you to “fake it until you make it.” (Sorry, not sorry, but I like that expression.)
I know that acting as if you already have the qualities or mindset you want will ultimately help you embody them in your work. This approach is effective in building confidence and helping you take action in areas you might otherwise avoid. There is no debate there.
The lessons you learn when you fail (pretend to fail) can definitely help you succeed (succeed) in the future.
We preach this to every agent who is new to potential clients or meeting clients at an open house. Where it works, it works.
But it will never work in the realm of gratitude.
You can’t say enough positive affirmations to make you feel grateful for those areas of your life that you don’t currently feel grateful for.
In fact, faking it and superimposing positive slogans on a situation you hate will make you feel worse. You end up feeling more guilty or like you’ve been cheated on, which can lead to a rapid decline in enthusiasm and joyful experiences.
Stop doing this immediately.
forced positive hallucinations
The biggest problem with “fake it till you make it” in gratitude and affirmations is that it promotes a superficial processing of deep emotional states.
Repeating positive affirmations or trying to force yourself to feel grateful without truly addressing your underlying emotions can lead to an empty feeling of happiness.
Of course, every parent of a sibling goes through the “say you’re sorry to your sister” phase. Has this ever produced an ounce of genuine regret? My kids have never been like this.
Using affirmations to cultivate happiness and gratitude has become popular. The “affirmation card/gratitude journal” industry will hate me for saying this, but repeatedly telling yourself positive statements like “I’m happy” or “I’m grateful for everything in my life” won’t have the effect you want.
If these affirmations don’t resonate with your true emotions, they can create a dissonance that causes you to experience inauthenticity, frustration, and resignation.
It’s important to make sure the affirmations are rooted in your true feelings to avoid creating dissonance within yourself.
importance of authenticity
Authenticity is critical to true emotional transformation.
Satisfaction with Life Scale (SWLS) and Scale of Positive and Negative Experiences (SPANE) is a tool used to measure happiness and emotional state. Research using these scales shows that genuine positive emotions have a greater impact on overall well-being than forced positive emotions.
SPANE specifically assesses both positive and negative experiences, recognizing that the full range of emotions contributes to an authentic and fulfilling life.
This research highlights that embracing all emotions, including those we might label negatively, is crucial to true happiness.
In other words, it’s just as important to acknowledge the things you’re not grateful for as it is to acknowledge your blessings.
Misconceptions about sustained motivation
The “gratitude industry” often perpetuates the misconception that we should always be grateful, no matter the circumstances.
Every industry conference has some keynote speaker who either directly says this or has an inspiring story that makes us can’t help but hear the message.
This unhealthy pressure to maintain a positive attitude, even when we are struggling, can undermine the authenticity of our emotions and hinder our ability to process and get through difficult experiences.
Last year was a brutal year for many in the real estate industry. Stop talking to me about how grateful I should feel.
It’s important to understand that “shoulds” carry a heavy burden. Whenever we feel like we “should” be grateful, we enter a world of comparison, judgment, and potential guilt.
When we measure ourselves against arbitrary benchmarks that are often inconsistent with our personal experiences or feelings, this external standard can create a feeling of inadequacy. Watching what is perceived as reality on social media only increases the impact of this comparison.
Acknowledge the power of negative emotions
True gratitude naturally arises from acceptance and appreciation, not from a sense of obligation.
Mindfulness practice is a simple, reliable way to notice and provide space for emotions and feelings that might otherwise be viewed as “negative.”
This practice of allowing ourselves to be frustrated when we are frustrated, to let ourselves down when we are disappointed, and to be afraid when we are afraid is necessary (it does take practice) if we hope to live in power.
Brené Brown is a renowned vulnerability and shame researcher who emphasizes the importance of authenticity and self-compassion. She believes that suppressing negative emotions in order to force positivity can lead to guilt.
Instead, she advocates treating all emotions as part of the human experience.
Mel Robbins also talks about this concept, saying, “When you stop trying to control your feelings and instead allow them to be, you gain a deeper sense of confidence and clarity. You Stop living with “should” reactions and start living with a sense of purpose.
Genuine gratitude can transform our experience.
But for it to be true, it must occur naturally. This means allowing ourselves to feel whatever we feel without judgment.
It’s about recognizing and appreciating what is truly meaningful to us, rather than imposing “shoulds.”
The role of mindfulness
Through the consistent practice of mindfulness, we can notice our current experiences without judgment. This skill can take us from upset to upset, from angry to angry.
This subtle shift in perspective can be life-changing, allowing us to process our emotions more healthfully and compassionately.
Practical steps to be truly grateful
In order to cultivate true gratitude, we must start where we are now, even if that means acknowledging the things we are not grateful for.
This may seem counterintuitive, but it’s crucial to letting gratitude flow naturally. Here are some practical steps to help you on this journey:
- acknowledge negative emotions: Start by admitting what you’re not grateful for. This doesn’t mean dwelling on negative emotions, but recognizing and naming the things that cause pain.
- Practice mindfulness: Spend 10-15 minutes every day practicing mindfulness. Focus on observing your thoughts and feelings without any judgment.
- Balance positive and negative: Strive for balance when reflecting on your experience. For example, if you list two things you are grateful for, acknowledge one thing you are not grateful for. This creates space for a more honest and complete emotional experience.
- Be gentle with yourself: Remember, there is no “right” way to feel. As you control your emotions, be kind and compassionate to yourself. True gratitude comes naturally when you create space for it.
The benefits of being sincerely grateful
As opposed to forced positivity, genuine gratitude has many benefits for our well-being. Research with SPANE and other emotion research show that genuine positive emotions can significantly affect our happiness and satisfaction with life.
When we allow ourselves to feel and express the full range of emotions, we can better process and integrate our experiences, resulting in a more balanced and resilient emotional state.
How to have a resilient mindset
In today’s crazy market environment, every coach talks about having a tough mentality, but they don’t tell you how to do it. That’s it.
Genuine gratitude strengthens our relationships and fosters genuine appreciation and connection with others. It can also improve our mental health by reducing feelings of guilt and inadequacy,
“Fake it ’til you make it” may be good for building confidence or taking action, but it falls short when it comes to gratitude and affirmation.
Authenticity is crucial to true emotional transformation. By acknowledging our emotions, including negative ones, we create space for true gratitude to naturally arise.
Through mindfulness practices we can cultivate a more honest and fulfilling emotional landscape while being gentle and compassionate with ourselves.
True gratitude is rooted in genuine awareness and appreciation, bringing profound benefits to our well-being and relationships.
Aaron Hendon is a managing agent, speaker, trainer and coach. Connect with Aaron on Instagram and LinkedIn.
