“If you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upset others, hurting feelings, and accepting that some people don’t like you. It may not be easy, but if you want to live your life Reflect your deepest desires, values and needs, it matters ~ Cheryl Richardson.
Last week, I was in the studio where I teach and a teacher showed up late. Her students started arriving, so I came out of the office where I worked and started welcoming them and guiding them into their rooms to practice.
She hurried over, quickly stopped in the office, glanced inside, and said, “I hope my being late like this won’t put any pressure on you, and you will be very tolerant of those who came before me.”
I smiled and said no problem, I had already brought them into the room to practice. She said yes and disappeared, mingling with and welcoming the students.
That was the moment I betrayed myself.
Why?
Because deep down, I don’t agree with her being late. I don’t like to be interrupted while working. I wasn’t happy with the fact that she didn’t bother to let me know that she was late.
But instead of honestly and kindly asking her to come earlier, or communicating with me if she was late in the future, I took the path of least resistance. I traded my true feelings for false comfort. it hurts.
In the past, I would try to hide my frustration with thoughts like, “Come on, you can do this for her. What’s wrong with you? Stop making a fuss. Just let it go.”
But the truth is, I often don’t let go. As I denied and laughed at my feelings, my inner resentment and anger toward myself began to grow. Of course, I would point the finger at others, silently blaming them for their behavior while playing the victim card.
I was lost in thought as she walked into the room with all the students. Because I realized what I had just done, I knew I had to fix it. I know that if I don’t speak out, I will always take the path of least resistance while remaining silent about things I don’t like, agree with, or simply don’t like.
So I decided to talk to her about my thoughts and be honest about my feelings.
After the meeting, I waited for everyone to leave and then called her into the office. When I heard her approaching, I felt a pain in my stomach and it was hard to swallow. She stuck her head out and asked, “What’s wrong?”
I continued, “I think you could show up a few minutes earlier next time, or at least text me if you’re late.”
She immediately apologized and said she was sorry about it and that she wasn’t trying to take advantage of me being there.
I continued.
“You know, I wasn’t being honest when I said it was okay. I was being nice but I was being disingenuous and I’m trying not to do that anymore.
Ironically, by the end of our conversation, I felt closer to her. We chatted for another thirty minutes, sharing what was going on in the coaching business, listening to each other’s challenges, and bouncing ideas off each other.
While we won’t get positive results every time we tell the truth, I’ve learned that there are four compelling reasons to stand up for yourself.
1. It builds self-esteem.
I think we’ve all wondered at least once in our lives: “How can I love myself and what does that mean?”
I learned that the path to self-love is through self-respect. When we do things that contribute to our happiness, our relationship with ourselves will naturally improve.
in his book 5 love languages, Gary Chapman said, love is action. While he applies this concept to our relationships with others, doesn’t the same idea apply to our relationships with ourselves?
We build self-esteem not by thinking about how we should act, but by taking actions that express our self-esteem. This often brings with it a level of discomfort as we move away from old age-pleasing tendencies or fears of rejection and judgment.
Because we are unfamiliar with this new character, we may take one step forward and then two steps back. But if we’re willing to go through these growing pains, we can build healthy relationships while respecting our mental and emotional health.
2. It makes us less resentful and angry.
When I lied to a teacher in the studio and pretended I was okay with her being late, I felt a wave of anger and discomfort wash over my body. Although the feeling is subtle, I realize that every time I betray myself like this, it’s there. I just choose to ignore it.
Since I didn’t want to endure the discomfort of having a conversation and standing up for myself, I was in denial. Over time, this created a series of repressed emotions.
The truth is, we often know when we’ve betrayed ourselves. If we stop and look at how we really feel when these situations happen, we’ll find that we’re unhappy with half the things we agree with.
Maybe we do it because we’re afraid of being judged or abandoned, or because we want to please others. Either way, the effects of self-betrayal are long-lasting.
But when we find the courage to speak up, have uncomfortable conversations, and stand up for ourselves, we begin to break the cycle of past conditioning and trauma and begin to rebuild our relationship with ourselves.
Although I felt a knot in my stomach and struggled to swallow before sharing my truth, I felt a sense of relief and respect for myself because I knew I was advocating for myself. I didn’t deny (as I had often done before), lie, or pretend; I am true to myself. When I pretended to respond, the initial resentment and discomfort disappeared and I was relieved.
3. It heals the part of us that seeks validation and acceptance.
I had a session with a client not long ago and we talked about her standing up for herself in an interaction with her mother. She’s so used to pleasing and agreeing that she doesn’t even know who she is or what she wants. This parent/child dynamic had an impact on her, and she felt like she couldn’t pretend anymore.
During one of our meetings, she asked sarcastically: “Isn’t it easier to just keep the status quo?”
She refers to pleasing her mother and instead of having hard conversations with her, she makes up stories to explain why she can’t come over or answer the phone.
Maintaining the status quo may bring immediate relief because we don’t have to feel the nausea of telling the truth. But eventually, resentment and anger can build up and manifest into angry outbursts or, worse, mental, emotional and physical illness.
When we start speaking up and setting boundaries, we begin to heal the parts of ourselves that are constantly seeking approval and recognition. We trade the fear of not being included for the growth of deep inner healing and happiness.
4. It helps us protect our relationships if we communicate clearly and kindly.
In the past, I worried that I would hurt others when I spoke up for myself or set boundaries. I felt angry and resentful because of the lack of boundaries, so I couldn’t imagine being kind and direct in a conversation. Over time, I’ve learned that setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people out, it’s about keeping them in my life.
So when I have these conversations, I always make sure I’m rested, in the right frame of mind, and very conscious of my words. Especially when I first communicate my boundaries to someone, I always remind myself that whatever I allow is on me.
Most of the time, people don’t realize the emotions I mask with silence and often take what I have to say well. However, one of my friendships ended because I told the truth. This is something we cannot predict.
I also learned that “not a complete sentence” is not always the most appropriate approach. It all depends on the situation I’m dealing with and the dynamics of the relationship. Saying “no” to a stranger in the grocery store is a complete sentence, whereas communicating with my closest friends requires more if I want to deepen our relationship without leaving them confused by a sudden change in my behavior. a little.
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Overall, I understand how unhealthy it is to deny our truth. Even though I felt a little scared every time I spoke my truth, I noticed that the internal resentment I felt when I stayed silent wasn’t worth the validation and validation I sometimes sought.
So I decided to make a promise to myself. When I find myself wanting to take the path of least resistance, I stop, take a deep breath, and tell myself this simple affirmation: “My treatment is non-negotiable.”
About Sylvia Turonova
Silvia Turonova is a women’s mindset coach who guides women toward emotional healing while helping them live lives of wholeness, balance, and inner resilience. She enjoys writing and serving women through her blog. You can learn more about working with her and her one-on-one coaching intensive course COACH here , or get her free self-coaching worksheet here .
