Less than 48 hours ago, I was sitting at a table in the sun outside my favorite bar, waiting for my date to arrive. 15 minutes passed while I drank rosé and watched the world go by. “What’s the grace period for being late for an appointment?” I texted my mother. “Thirty minutes max,” she replied, followed by a string of angry emojis. 26 minutes later I texted him asking for his ETA and a few minutes later I called him. He didn’t answer.
After 30 minutes, I got up, fought back tears, and walked home. I felt humiliated as I paid my bill and walked past diners and drinkers enjoying their summer evening. When I got home, I took off the black dress I had chosen, wiped off the makeup I had put on so excitedly, called my mom, and finally allowed myself to cry tears of frustration.
What just happened? I let him know I left the bar and added “It really didn’t make me feel good.” No reply. No call back. There was only a heavy, long silence.
This isn’t the first date. This person is no stranger either. I met this guy at Feeld three months ago. The timing was less than ideal for me—after freezing my eggs and recovering from the retrieval process, I felt physically and emotionally vulnerable. But I also know I deserve better.
Dating culture has become selfish. How can we solve it?
In the beginning, the news kept flowing. We talked about our shared love of gardening, books and food. This was the first time I’d been excited about someone since I ended an ambiguous situation, which left me feeling hurt and disillusioned with dating. It was time to tear down the protective walls I had built within myself.
First dates are great—wine, good conversation, kissing, confessions of mutual attraction. We made plans to meet again. But things started to change from that point on. His information is not as rich as it was in the early stages. I didn’t dismiss him right away because I knew life would get in the way – people would be busy, they’d be sick, they’d have to work. Still, it feels like crap. The disillusioned dater in me knew this was not a good sign: He would almost certainly pull away. I’ve been here before and know the way forward. Just when I was coming to terms with the fact that I would never hear from him again, he sent me a message asking when we would meet. W – I can’t stress this enough – TF.
I ended up sending him this message: “I know we’re talking about going out again, but I’m going to be honest, the signals I’m getting are hot and cold, and it’s hard not to read them as disinterest. I’m not sure that matters. Was it appropriate in terms of communication style – usually I need to be more consistent in the early stages of things to maintain my interest. I wished him the best and hoped he would understand. He got back to me the next morning in a friendly way. I took my time to apologize. I archived our chat and moved on.
A week ago, while on vacation in France, I opened WhatsApp and saw the dreaded “1” next to “Archived.” Assuming this was just another group chat notification, I idly opened the archive and saw a message from the aforementioned man. Here’s a picture of the bar we went to on our first date, and it says “walk past the crime scene.”
My best friend was sitting next to me at the time, and I leaned forward and showed him the message. “I’ll stop him,” he said. I should have listened.
I replied and things started again. In the time after it was over, I thought about him. I felt like I was giving up on myself if I didn’t explore things and give him some grace.
Mix and match after dark
Over the next five days we messaged morning, noon and night. He wished me good night and when I woke up the next morning and turned on my phone, there was a message waiting for me. Did he accept what I said earlier about consistency?
This time he seemed to be in a date frame of mind. He talked about marriage, children, life ahead. I wonder about the red flags? Then again, he’s in his 30s, so these topics aren’t necessarily out of scope for the stage of life we’re at. In hindsight, I think I was naive for enjoying my second chance for so long. One minute you’re talking like you’re my future husband, and the next minute you can’t even show up to our dates.
When we got back to the UK we planned to meet for a drink in another pub (not the ‘crime scene’). He told me he had a plan at five o’clock but it should be done by eight o’clock. He told me he was having a drink in the sun and sent me a photo of his dog basking in the sun.
As you know, 8pm comes and goes. I never heard from him again. After the incident, I immediately tried to give him the inference that there was an emergency, something went wrong. I didn’t express my true feelings of disappointment because I wasn’t sure if something serious was going on.
I poured myself a gin and tonic and took Charli xcx’s boy Give it your all. What else can a girl do in this situation?
The next day, I woke up after a particularly restless sleep and had to remind myself what had happened. I imagined some scenarios in my mind. Did he lose his phone? Did he get drunk and fall asleep? I called a friend and told my feelings. Even now, I still can’t understand it. I may have to accept never knowing what happened that night and why he did that to me.
When I tell my readers that I’ve been in the trenches of the dating app scene, I mean it
The hardest part of being a single woman in her 30s is not giving up on dating.
Ironically, I just finished writing a book about the current state of dating culture and why it feels so hard right now. When I tell my readers that I’ve been in the trenches of the dating app scene, I mean it. As someone who has been writing about dating and relationships for over a decade, who has witnessed the evolution of online dating, and who has read the never-ending online discussions about dating, I have experienced so many disappointing, frustrating Shocking events, complex and confusing situations. This isn’t the first time I’ve been stood up for, either. It’s so tiring.
I haven’t been on a date in years. I deleted the apps only to re-download them a few months later. I wondered if there was something wrong with me, if I was too weak, too tolerant, too easily bullied. During my really low moments, I let my insecurities get the best of me and believed the negative voices in my head telling me that if I were thinner, prettier, and cooler, this wouldn’t happen to me. It took a lot of therapy to get rid of that idea.
“I wear a cape.” What’s it like to be blocked by your Hinge date and step up to the plate.
Indeed, standing up–even though it hurts–is a blessing. This man showed me his true character. Standing up sucks, but in many ways, I’ve escaped a much worse fate.
I believe everyone should do what they need to do to feel emotionally safe on a date. It’s not as simple or straightforward as saying, “You have to get yourself back there.” Because honestly, the last thing I want to do right now is open a dating app.
Believing in people’s goodness—even after witnessing their worst—requires generosity.
Romantic love isn’t everything to me. This is a nice thing to have, but not a necessity. My life is happy, that’s all.
But one thing that gives me hope and strength is knowing that I deserve better than how I was treated. Being vulnerable requires strength, and knowing that it may end in tears also requires being strong. Putting it off until I get what I deserve requires resilience. Believing in people’s goodness—even after witnessing their worst—requires generosity.
For now, I’m protecting my heart, but I’ll be “back out there” again soon because I refuse to let dating app culture crush me.
