“Stay away from people who bring you down. Stay away from fights that will never be resolved. Don’t try to please people who will never see your worth. The more you stay away from the things that poison your soul, the healthier you will be. ~ Schaes Ta Saba
“Are you coming to try on clothes tomorrow?” Sam asked.
I put the phone to my ear and replied doubtfully, “I didn’t know you were trying on clothes tomorrow.”
My stepsister Sam stopped. “Didn’t mom invite you?”
“No, but I’d love to come,” I said.
“Oh, I thought she asked you. You’re my sister and Bridesmaids!
I forced a smile she couldn’t see and assured her, “I’m not invited to a lot of things, Sam. That’s OK.
“No, it’s not.” Sam gave me a time and place to try on clothes the next day, and I wrote it down at the end of the call.
It was really new that my stepsister called me specifically to invite me to try on her wedding dress while also expressing displeasure with her mother’s exclusionary behavior. Have Sam confirm that her mother did not invite me even though I am part of the family and At a wedding, it felt very effective.
I’m no stranger to being snubbed by my stepmom. It no longer bothers me that I am excluded from so many family activities. Being ignored is the rule for me, not the exception.
The previous Thanksgiving, my stepmother was sitting around the dinner table talking with her other daughter about the activities planned for the next day. After an awkward silence, my stepfather hesitantly asked me if my family planned to come over tomorrow, too.
“I didn’t know anyone was coming,” I stammered.
Not bothering to make eye contact, my stepmom waved her hands dismissively and said, “Okay. everyone’s welcome.
Being excluded was just the tip of the iceberg; I was also ignored, humiliated and humiliated.
My stepmom didn’t call or contact me individually, just through group text messages. When I do meet her, even though I’m now in my forties, my teenage behavior will likely be brought into the conversation to point out how difficult it was for me (my mother died when I was twelve) , so teenagers yes Really challenging for me).
When we were getting divorced a few years ago, my stepmom told me to “try harder” to stay with my ex after I explained to her what I had endured and tried to punish me for staying with a controlling man who took advantage of me Marital relationship.
I spent most of my life feeling unlovable and unworthy due to my stepmother’s toxic and emotionally abusive behavior. Still, I tried to keep myself and my girls in her life. I lost my mother at a young age and my stepfather remarried, which was the only family dynamic I knew.
I invite my stepparents to all the girls’ events. I remember at a birthday party for my youngest, Sam talked about receiving cookies from her mother in a college care package. I made the mistake of trying to lightheartedly tease my stepmom, “Hey, you never send I Care package.
When my stepmom turned to me, her smile disappeared. “you Of course no cookies are needed. I was overweight in college. I tried to laugh it off as my face dropped in shame. I tolerated this unkind behavior because I was taught to believe I deserved it.
After decades of trying to have my stepmom love me and my girls and be a part of our lives, I finally understood that nothing could change the way she treated us.
The last straw that gave me hope was when she didn’t show up for lunch. I invited her out to lunch a month ago and texted her when I arrived. She texted back that she was going to be late, and based on how long it took to drive from her house to the restaurant, I doubt she forgot.
This time, I didn’t text. I just waited…but she never showed up. I left the restaurant with a heavy heart but a clear vision. I had reached my breaking point and had to walk away, now understanding that the only thing I could change was myself.
I decided not to put energy into my relationship with my stepparents because they would never see the value of my family. Their toxic and abusive behavior undermined my emotional health.
I spent too much time trying to please my stepmom only to feel resentful of her cruelty. Setting boundaries is scary, but after enduring years of abuse, I found the courage to be brave.
I started to carve my own path. I decided to focus on the healthy, nurturing relationships in my life—my own extraordinary family, my loving husband, and my wonderful daughter. My kind in-laws, who are as loyal as my husband. My amazing friends, my chosen family. These relationships sustain me and bring me peace and unconditional love.
Moving in the direction of your life can be intimidating, especially if you’re used to being put down. So if you are going through something similar, take your time and do what works for you.
After living without a sense of self-worth for a long time, I began cultivating self-love and self-esteem through cultivating healthy relationships. The more I consciously choose to do what is right for me and my family, the easier it becomes.
Instead of feeling obligated to put my own needs aside to care for those who were hurting me under the guise of keeping the peace, I started thinking about my own needs as well as those of my husband and children. This new approach quickly began to gain momentum. The more time I spend on healthy interactions, the less likely I am to allow toxicity in my life.
So how do you know when to leave?
If you see red flags, ask yourself these questions:
- Does anyone bring you down more than they cheer you up?
- Did you feel tired or energized after the interaction?
- Are there any differences of opinion that can be discussed? Is it solved? Or do you always have to admit it?
- Does the other person celebrate you or put you down?
- Do you have to minimize or hide a part of yourself?
- Have you always wished things were different?
Only you can decide what’s right for you; only you know if it’s time to leave and forge your own path. We only have this one wonderful life and you get to decide how you want to spend it and who you want by your side.
About Sadie Montgomery
Sadie Montgomery was born and raised in the Midwest and currently lives on Lake Superior with her husband and children. An amateur baker and professional accountant, she won the award for best sense of humor in sixth grade. Scar Atlas is her first memoir. You can find her on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok and Sadiemontgomery.com.
