Sharing household chores with your partner after welcoming a baby home requires intention, communication, and revision.
Photo illustration by Becky Harlan/NPR
hide title
Switch title
Photo illustration by Becky Harlan/NPR
Before having children, many couples have a rough idea of how to share housework. Maybe one partner cooks and walks the dog, maybe another cleans and runs errands.
But how does this distribution change when a baby is born? Who will heat the bottles, change the diapers or put the baby to sleep?
That’s what couples coach Aaron Steinberg helps expectant parents figure out. “The division of roles and responsibilities is the biggest difficulty parents face when bringing home a newborn,” he said.
What often happens, he says, is that both parents feel like they’re taking on too many tasks. In addition to the stress of caring for a newborn, this can also lead to resentment.
To prevent this from happening, Steinberg says, couples should have conversations about how to manage the household and childcare responsibilities before Little’s arrival. He and relationship scientists and perinatal therapists shy potter Provide advice on how to create an equitable workload in the postpartum period.
Write down all your chores
for Distribute family workload equitablySteinberg says you and your partner need to understand what the workload will require. So sit down and write down a list of all your chores, including any expected childcare responsibilities.
The list should include:
- daily chores such as laundry and dishes
- less obvious workforce Such as meal planning and scheduling doctor appointments
- Big projects before the baby is bornsuch as setting up a nursery or assembling a stroller
- Baby’s daily taskssuch as washing bottles and changing diapers
- baby related “Life Manager” Task, Such as handling hospital bills or ordering your baby’s birth certificate
Discuss the burden of each task and assign responsibilities
Once you and your partner have made your list, Porter says, discuss “what chores you’re willing and able to take on” after the baby is born.
She said, trying to be as detailed as possible. “Do we all go to pediatric appointments? What if the child gets sick at day care and takes time off?
To create a sense of fairness in your assignments, keep these pointers in mind.
- Resist the urge to assign all baby-related tasks to the biological parents. Steinberg says it’s a common excuse to say that the baby “prefers” one parent to the other, or that one parent is “just better” at soothing the baby. Parenting is new and scary for both parents, and both parents should be responsible for the basic tasks required during the newborn stage.
- Play to your strengths. For example, if you’ve always been the one in your relationship who’s into cooking, take responsibility for preparing the meals and letting your partner do the dishes.
- Consider the weight of each task. “Different people overthink different things,” Steinberg said. For some, buying a car seat may seem like a simple task. You can find and buy it at reasonable prices at stores you trust. Others may consider this an item that requires a closer look at safety ratings, price, and warranty. If you’re feeling stressed about a particular task, discuss it with your partner. You might consider swapping tasks or working on activities together.
- Don’t try to divide chores 50-50. In some cases, Porter said, the load may be inherently unbalanced. For example, if the baby is breastfed, the responsibility for feeding the baby will fall on the birth partner. Work with your partner to see where you can reduce this burden. “If I’m breastfeeding multiple times a night, maybe you have to change diapers,” she said.
- Do the work. Remember, you and your partner are a team – your partner relies on you to perform assigned duties.
Keep plans flexible
Once baby arrives, you’ll want to be prepared to change your household chores, Steinberg says. “One mistake people make is [assigning tasks then] Never talk about it again. This is how uncomfortable feelings accumulate.
Therefore, he recommends setting a regular time on your calendar to discuss how things are going with your partner and make any changes as needed.
You may need to adjust your chore schedule based on your work schedule, your baby’s needs, or your preferences. For example, biological parents who don’t normally walk their dogs may want to take on this task because they crave fresh air. Or maybe your baby is switching to formula, allowing your non-reproductive partner to play a larger role in feeding.
No scoring
In addition to being unrealistic, excessive devaluation of personal responsibilities is a quick way to dissatisfaction and anger, Steinberg said. You don’t want your relationship to get to the point where you’re counting shower times or counting diaper changes.
Instead, let go of any assumptions you have about your partner’s workload and offer to help when you can. If your partner isn’t done with the laundry yet, but they’re dealing with a crying baby and you have some free time, go ahead and put the laundry in the washer. All will come out, Steinberg said.
Seek outside assistance
If you’re lucky enough to have access to outside resources like friends, family, or paid child care, don’t forget to include them in your plan. Here are a few ways they can get involved.
- Let them help with child care. Porter worked with a couple who had relatives nearby who were willing to care for their children. So the couple let their families take turns. Whenever they needed extra help, they “didn’t even have to think about it.” They just referenced the form and called someone,” Porter said.
- Ask for a meal train. Check grocery shopping and cooking off your to-do list in the early postpartum period by asking friends and family to provide you with homemade or take-out meals. There are apps that allow loved ones to organize and distribute meals, such as MealTrain or Take They a Meal.
- A simple text or call goes a long way. Porter said new parents sometimes find themselves surprisingly isolated in the postpartum period. Well-meaning friends and family may not contact you for fear of disturbing you. So ask them to check on you.
Caring for a baby is a team sport, and maintaining that teamwork in the early days of parenthood “is what gets you through anything else,” Steinberg said.
Digital story edited by Malaka Gharib. Visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Please leave us a message at 202-216-9823 or email LifeKit@npr.org.
Listen to “Life Kit” Apple Podcasts and Spotifyand register with our communication.
