“Comparison is the thief of happiness.” ~ Theodore Roosevelt
In March 2020, the UK went into lockdown for the first time due to the coronavirus epidemic, and the country was enveloped in anxiety and sadness. When will we see our loved ones again? Will our health be good? Is my job safe? More pressingly, how do I teach my children?
Like everyone else, I felt a sense of impending doom when I first received the news and tried to make the best of this strange situation. ‘Normal life’ includes stressful home schooling, working online, wearing masks and (at least in the UK) stocking up on toilet paper!
We are forced to slow down and retreat because no one is allowed to socialize or engage in any activities outside of work or home. It was hard at first, but after a few weeks, something strange happened. I realized I had never felt so happy.
You see, before lockdown I might have looked happy on the outside but was an insecure mess on the inside. My mind was filled with all the things I thought I “should” be doing: planning more exciting weekend plans, taking up better hobbies, making more friends. Unless I’m attending the latest summer festival or doing yin yoga on a Wednesday night, I don’t feel good enough.
After a long day at work, browsing Facebook gives me yet another list of things to do. An empty schedule feels like failure, while other people’s lives seem so much more exciting.
So I live for the future, constantly planning and always paying attention and seeking approval. The pressure to stick with something is exhausting. This caused arguments with my husband (who couldn’t care less what everyone else was doing!), caused me to lose sight of my own needs, and exacerbated my low sense of self-worth.
If I’m not thinking about plans, I’m thinking about people. I compared myself to (what I perceived to be) the busy social lives of others and felt the need to organize group nights or always invite people over for dinner. Even if I don’t see my friends, I always give them my full attention. Are they good friends? Am I? Why didn’t they respond to the text message? Do they still like me?
Beneath the surface of all the “plans” and “people” chatter that fills my head is the ever-present noise of self-criticism.
If you don’t make the most of every minute of your life, you’re failing.
If you don’t have perfect best friends like everyone else, then there’s something wrong with you.
Your life is boring compared to other people.
No one finds you interesting.
Do more!
Worse, I assumed I was the only one who needed to keep pushing and doing more to feel good enough.
I now know that not only am I not the only one, but that this thought is natural.
When I trained as a compassion-centered therapist, I learned about how social comparison is wired into our brains. This is because having the largest tribe and highest status provided us with protection during the Stone Age.
What gives us a sense of status these days? How big our social media followers are, how many likes we get, and how great our social feeds look! If we do something exciting, we can’t help but share it because our inner caveman is driving us to compete.
The problem is, when we feel like we’re not keeping up, our brain turns to our inner critic because it thinks that’s helpful (thanks, brain!). It also has a negative bias, causing us to focus on what others seem to do better than we do. The fake images we see on social media don’t help!
While this tendency is natural and beyond our control, we live in an age of unprecedented information about what others are doing, and it sends our innate comparative nature into overdrive! This puts pressure on all of us.
For me, that started to change when the country shut down. Since everyone’s social calendar is empty, I no longer have anything to compare myself to. Since there are no longer any activities or classes, I feel like there is nothing I “should” be doing.
I spent my evenings and weekends doing what was in front of me because there was no other option. I’ll take a walk in the local area, relax in the garden, watch TV, and then go into the evening early.
Surprisingly, instead of feeling unhappy and bored as my critics told me I would, I felt relaxed, content and at peace. No more feeling like I’m missing out; no inner should; no self-criticism because of “boring”. The world is quiet, and so is my heart.
I also realized how small my social circle needed to be. I know a lot of people feel desperately lonely and missing out on those important connections, which is understandable, but for me, that’s not a problem. I have my husband and kids, and, for the most part, that’s all I need.
Seeing so few people felt incredibly freeing, I suddenly realized that my desire to have a large social circle came from a need to be recognized. I enjoy my own company and am an introvert. Who knows?
When life starts to open up again, I’m determined to keep this deep sense of contentment, and I don’t want the world to stop letting me keep it again.
Here are five helpful steps that I practice regularly that have helped me do just that.
1. Practice mindful self-compassion.
As a newly trained therapist and committed mindfulness practitioner, I have found mindful self-compassion to be a powerful tool in helping to avoid comparison and criticism. It is becoming a widely used method by psychologists and spiritual leaders to improve mental health and self-acceptance.
So when I find myself criticizing myself and comparing myself to others, I stop and pay curious attention to my thoughts so that they become less draining. Something as simple as “I noticed that I was having self-critical thoughts” is enough to recognize that it’s just a thought, not a fact.
Next, I tune in to how I feel in my body in order to label my emotions and allow for any discomfort to be there. I might feel a tightness in my chest from turning down an invitation, or a heaviness in my stomach from not feeling good enough.
Then, instead of judging my feelings, I remind myself that I have no control over myself and everyone feels that way from time to time. This step is so powerful because it releases the cycle of self-judgment that makes us feel worse and opens up space for compassion.
Finally, I ask myself what I need to hear, what would be helpful in this moment, or what I would say to a friend. Inevitably, I am able to tap into deeper wisdom to remind myself that I am good enough, that my needs matter, or that we don’t know what other people’s lives are really like.
2. Give yourself permission to get bored.
We can be perfectly content with a relatively cold weekend or evening, but as soon as we scroll through social media and see what others are doing, we think there’s something wrong with us and we experience FOMO.
This is great if you are an active person and like to stay busy. But for me, the need to keep doing something comes from social pressure, and what I crave most after a busy day is a quiet night in front of the TV.
Allowing myself to be “bored” honors myself and helps me adapt to my own needs, which helps me understand and like myself better. If self-critical thoughts creep in, this is the perfect time to practice self-compassion and I remind myself that no one is noticing anyway.
3. Narrow my circle.
Many of everyone’s friendships have changed during the pandemic because we’ve been forced to focus on the people who matter. I’m grateful that COVID has made me realize that a larger social circle doesn’t actually make me happier, and that social comparison is a big driver of that.
Not everyone has or needs a big gang, as my self-critic told me. So instead of going back there and rekindling all my friendships, I intentionally narrowed my circle. I now focus on one or two close friendships and am able to be friendly with others without feeling like I have to be best friends with everyone!
4. Embrace my inner introvert.
It’s easy to think of introverts as the quiet, bookish type, and if you’ve ever met me, you know I don’t fit that description at all. Words like “life and soul,” “chatterbox,” and “super-confident” might more accurately describe me. However, as an empath, my social reserves are limited and I don’t have the luxury of being around people on a regular basis, and I don’t need to.
I’m very happy in my own company and need lots of time to recharge between social events. This tendency is not suitable for a lifestyle with a busy social schedule and a wide circle of friends. Acknowledging and accepting my introversion has allowed me to adapt to my own needs rather than thinking I need to be like everyone else.
5. Strive to realize your self-worth.
Although we are all prone to social comparison, we are more likely to do so if we lack self-worth. This is because our default “not enough” beliefs cause us to automatically assume that others are better than us, so in order to feel good enough, we try to keep up and gain imaginary approval.
But it’s a slider we’ll never get to the top because it comes from a false belief that doesn’t go away just because we have external conditions. Therefore, we need to accept the fact that we are already fine, focus on what is important to us, and let others live their lives.
For me, using self-compassion and self-worth meditation to act like I am good enough and provide myself with positive validation of my self-worth has really helped.
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Learning to let go of destructive social comparisons and having the courage to be myself has changed my life and I haven’t looked back since. This pandemic has had a lot of negative effects, but I’m grateful for the changes it’s helped me make.
About Rebecca Stanbridge
Rebecca is a qualified therapist and mindfulness teacher who provides one-to-one and group services online, helping people feel more secure and confident in their work and personal lives by improving self-esteem. Currently, she is particularly interested in helping people whose anxiety affects their friendships. You can access her free guide “Getting Rid of Overthinking Friendships” here. Or check out her website to work with her today.
