“If you love yourself, it doesn’t matter if others don’t like you because you don’t need their approval to feel good about yourself.” ~ Lori Deschene
I have spent my life trying to please other people. I would subject myself to stress and discomfort to adapt to what they wanted or needed. I rarely feel confident enough to say what I want because when I do, I get frustrated or angry, and I often feel stupid.
Growing up, I felt my emotions very strongly, so a lot of the time I would get comments like, “You’re so emotional,” or “Just relax.” I realize now that people make these types of comments to make me feel sad, stressed, or uncomfortable when others don’t respect my boundaries, and that’s not right.
At the time, I didn’t understand that this was happening because I wasn’t enforcing my boundaries strongly enough because all I wanted to do was please other people. So when I feel strong emotions, I assume that what I’m feeling is wrong.
This ultimately resulted in me losing most of my confidence and making myself “small”. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be seen or heard. I learned that if I tried to express my boundaries, I would frustrate others and make them feel like I was being unreasonable.
If I want certain people in my life, I have to adapt to what makes them happy. Of course, this only made me increasingly unhappy, which led to unhealthy relationships.
It wasn’t until I had my son that I realized how unnecessary it is to not respect your boundaries. Even in the time after he was born, I would go out of my way to fit in, even if it meant disrupting my son’s schedule. Many times I became stressed, unhappy and anxious.
One day I realized how overwhelming this was for me because I decided to stay home with my son for the day (at the time, I felt very selfish to do so!) and it felt so peaceful.
Before this, I often thought that my son was not a happy child, but I soon understood that this was because I did not put our needs first, but was always running around trying to satisfy others. needs.
Once I started saying “no” to things I didn’t want to do or felt like I didn’t have time for, and started communicating about what situations were right for me and my son, we both became happier and more relaxed!
However, since doing this, my relationships with several people have changed. I am no longer as close to some friends and I have to deal with hurtful reactions from my family. Sometimes the guilt I feel is almost too much to bear. But I am no longer willing to bring sadness and stress to myself just to make others happy.
The result? Some of my previous close relationships were no longer that close, which was hard to digest. You start prioritizing yourself more, spending less time adjusting to others, and they eventually stop talking to you… oops!
Yet other relationships become stronger, happier, and healthier! I even made a few new close friends. I also want to mention a relationship I used to have that was very close because I spend less time with this person now, but I feel like our relationship is stronger. I’ve learned that I need to protect my energy when I’m around them because they sometimes have a pretty negative outlook on life.
Because they are people very close to me and I don’t want to lose them. So I had to find a way to adjust the relationship to fit my boundaries.
I don’t think all boundaries need to be communicated, especially when the person may be offended or not understand. Instead, I was able to keep things positive by changing the dynamic. So I would schedule occasional coffee meetings with this person and subtly shift away from regular visits to their home because that would take up more of my time and energy.
One thing I noticed that made me realize I wasn’t setting healthy boundaries was my anxiety about attending social situations and family events—even events held in my honor. One year, other people decided what we were going to do to celebrate my birthday, and I didn’t have the confidence to explain out loud that I didn’t want to do what they chose.
I also get upset if I try to express my preference and someone gets frustrated or suggests I’m being unreasonable. I often ask certain people if they like me and try to make them happy so they will accept me.
Setting boundaries is really hard for some of us, but that doesn’t mean we can’t do it. It can also be scary because it may mean not having such a close relationship with certain people, or even losing them entirely.
But the question we need to ask ourselves is: If relationships change, or we lose people in the process of establishing strong boundaries, will those boundaries work for us? Our happiness is just as important as the happiness of others. As long as our actions do not harm others, our boundaries are valid and acceptable. It’s not up to us to make others happy. We are all responsible for our own happiness. We can both create it and change it.
