“You can’t stop a wave, but you can learn to surf it.” ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn
We often hear that storms are powerful forces of nature, but for many of us, the fiercest storms are the silent storms—the ones we internally struggle with. For me, this storm manifested as bullying. While I was dealing with daily microaggressions and malicious rumors on the outside, I was falling apart on the inside.
The bullying didn’t stop in high school; it followed me into adulthood. Every time I thought I was over it, another wave of hurtful comments would hit me, leaving me feeling trapped and powerless.
The constant gossip, whispers, and passive-aggressive comments from others undermined my self-worth. I questioned my worth and wondered if I deserved this treatment. Is there something inherently wrong with me? Why am I the target of this relentless negativity? These thoughts plagued me for years, causing a vicious cycle of self-doubt, anxiety, and fear of being judged.
At one point the weight of all these feelings became unbearable and I sought counseling. It was in therapy that I first learned about mindfulness, a practice that would change my life.
Mindfulness helped me face the storm I had endured within myself for years—the shame, hurt, and loss of self-worth brought on by years of bullying and abuse. Here’s how this practice helped me heal and regain my self-worth, and how you can apply it to your life too if you’ve experienced bullying, abuse, or any form of emotional harm.
How Bullying and Abuse Lead to Low Self-Worth
Bullying and abuse don’t just cause temporary damage, they can have lasting effects on how we see ourselves for years to come.
Whether it’s gossip, exclusion, or outright harassment, these experiences can erode our self-worth. We begin to question our own worth and internalize the cruel words and actions of others. Over time, we may start to believe that we deserve to be mistreated, or that there is something wrong with us.
This sense of low self-worth can affect every aspect of our lives, from our relationships to our careers. We may shy away from opportunities, convinced that we are not good enough. We may have difficulty forming meaningful connections and view ourselves as unlovable. The effects of abuse are profound, but they don’t necessarily define us.
Mindfulness, self-compassion, and community support can help us rebuild our sense of self. By acknowledging our pain, letting go of things we have no control over, and surrounding ourselves with people who inspire us, we can rediscover our self-worth and begin to see ourselves as worthy of love, respect, and kindness.
Acknowledge your pain and validate your emotions
For years, I hid behind a mask of apathy. I convinced myself that bullying wouldn’t affect me. I don’t want my bully to have the satisfaction of knowing they hurt me. But the truth is, every cruel word, every whisper, left a mark on my self-worth. The more I suppressed my emotions, the more they fester, eroding my sense of self.
The first step in my recovery journey was acknowledging the pain and allowing myself to feel it. Through mindfulness, I learned that running away from my emotions only made them have more power over me. Instead, I had to sit with them—feeling sadness, frustration, anger, and betrayal. I had to allow myself to grieve the parts of myself that were lost to bullying. So I can begin to heal.
Tip: If you’re feeling pain from past abuse, take a moment each day to ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now?” Don’t judge yourself for feeling angry, sad, or resentful—acknowledge and live with these emotions. By allowing yourself to feel, you can begin the healing process.
Use mindful breathing to regain control
There are countless moments where the gossip and harsh comments feel suffocating. I often felt powerless and lost in a spiral of negative thoughts. Every time I walk into a room I feel like everyone is judging me, like they have formed an opinion about me based on lies. I didn’t know how to deal with the overwhelming feelings of shame and fear.
Mindful breathing became my anchor—a simple yet profound technique that helped me focus during these overwhelming situations. Instead of letting my mind wander, I learned to focus on my breathing. That’s one thing I can control, even though I can’t control the rumors or the people spreading them. In those moments, mindfulness allowed me to regain a sense of power and control over my emotional state.
Tip: The next time anxiety or fear starts to arise, focus on your breathing. Take a deep breath and notice the air moving in and out of your body. This simple exercise can bring you back to the present moment, providing a sense of calm and control when you need it most.
Build self-compassion to heal hurt
For a long time, I let other people’s words dictate how I viewed myself. I internalized this bullying behavior and believed that if so many people had a bad opinion of me, it must be true. I criticized myself ruthlessly, convinced that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or lovable enough. The words of others became the lens through which I viewed myself.
Mindfulness taught me the importance of self-compassion. I realized that I was treating myself worse than I would treat a friend in need. Through this practice, I learned to be kinder to myself—to treat myself with the same care and empathy I would give to others who are struggling. Slowly, I began to rebuild my self-worth not based on what others thought of me, but on how I chose to treat myself.
Tip: Write down three things you appreciate about yourself every day. Whether it’s a strength, a skill, or even how you get through tough times, these small affirmations can help rebuild your confidence. Self-compassion is a powerful defense against negative emotions, reminding you that you deserve kindness—especially kindness from yourself.
Practice letting go of things you have no control over
One of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that I had no control over how others viewed me. I spent many years trying to protect myself from rumors, trying to correct people’s incorrect assumptions about me. The more I tried to control the narrative, the more exhausted and frustrated I became. I realized that no matter what I did, some people would always view me in a negative light – and that was not my responsibility to address.
Mindfulness taught me that while I couldn’t control the rumors, I could control my reaction to them. I learned to let go of the need to be liked or understood by everyone. Instead, I focus on how I see myself and how I want to show up in the world. Letting go of things I have no control over is liberating—it allows me to focus on what really matters: my own inner peace and self-worth.
Tip: Think of hurtful words—or in my case, hurtful people—as leaves falling gently down a stream. Observe them as they pass by, acknowledge their presence, but resist the urge to grab them. This practice allows you to create emotional space, free from the distractions of things that are beyond your control.
Find strength in community
Healing does not happen in isolation. While mindfulness was crucial to my recovery, seeking support from others also played an important role. For years, I isolated myself, fearing that opening up would leave me vulnerable to more judgment. But through counseling and support groups, I realized that sharing my experience with others who understood helped ease the burden I had been carrying.
Opening up to trusted friends, seeking professional help, and connecting with a group of people who understood what I was going through helped me regain my voice. It allowed me to change the narrative that was thrust upon me, reclaim my story, and see myself as a person with the power to heal rather than a victim of bullying.
Tip: Don’t hesitate to seek help from others, whether through counseling, a support group, or a mindfulness community. Finding a group of people who understand what you are going through can provide personal growth and emotional support, reminding you that you are not alone.
Mindfulness is a lifelong practice
Healing from abuse and regaining your self-worth is not an overnight process – it takes time. For me, mindfulness became the foundation of my recovery and something I continue to practice every day. By integrating mindfulness into my daily life, I have learned to respond to emotional challenges with grace and resilience.
Tip: Start small. Whether it’s spending a few minutes mindfully breathing or journaling about your emotions, every step can help you regain control. Remember, you are stronger than words that hurt you. With mindfulness, self-compassion, and a supportive community, you can regain your self-worth, one step at a time.
About Alicia Flemons
Allicia Flemons is a passionate school psychologist, advocate, and coach who embraces her neurodivergent identity. She founded Neuro-Empowerment to foster a vibrant community and empower others through group and individual coaching. Connect with her on Instagram at Neuro.empower, visit www.neuro-empowerment, or call (972) 944-5959 for more information.
