“All you have to lose is something you built for someone who is no longer you.” ~ Brianna West
I’ll admit it. I spent five years in a failed marriage. I was particularly good at faking a smile in public and spent most evenings in front of my laptop.
About ten years before I was ready to wave the white flag of surrender, I also sentenced myself to a career that no longer “lighted me up.” Just like my marriage, for years I refused to believe it was over and tried everything I could think of to keep the dying flame alive. I changed positions and teams, kept creating new goals for myself, changed organizations, and even moved to Asia before I was willing to give up my career.
One day, without warning, my sister called from New York to say that our beautiful mother had just crossed over to the other side. On that soft green couch in South Korea, thousands of miles away from my family, my already deeply unsatisfying private life collapsed. So is the carefully planned, adventurous life seen by outsiders. My heart is broken.
Folks, please allow me some “real talk” time.
Can we discuss the importance of using our ongoing feelings as signals or signposts? I am not suggesting that we abandon logic. Nor am I referring to the loud and fleeting responses we typically have to daily stressors. I’m talking about an instinctive understanding, a quiet understanding that is easily overlooked.
Although I teach this regularly to my own two children and students, my intellectualization does not mean that I actually practice what I preach. Absolutely not.
Until a powerful wave of sadness swept the rug out from under me, that is.
I am empathetic and sensitive, and with a mother who was a counselor, I learned from a young age how to accept and validate my feelings. I know to listen to them, manage them when they don’t serve me, and use them to find opportunities to learn more about myself. So why on earth did I work so hard for years not letting myself realize that my marriage and career were no longer working for me? I have some thoughts on this.
Maybe it was the disregard for my feelings and a deeper understanding that kept me safely within a socially acceptable family structure.
Perhaps it’s ignoring my feelings and deeper understanding that makes me vulnerable to invitations to holiday dinners with other international families while living abroad.
Maybe it’s ignoring my feelings and getting to know them better that allows me to continue to make good money, feel successful as a professional, support my children, and travel to new countries several times a year.
Maybe it’s because ignoring my feelings and getting to know them better has predictable, albeit usually unpleasant, results.
Maybe it’s because I don’t know who I would be if I wasn’t a wife or a teacher.
But when my mother passed away, my whole world fell into darkness. Suddenly, nothing else matters.
Losing my mother was the hardest experience of my life. It was also the catalyst that was a wake-up call for myself on multiple levels. Maybe this is what my soul needs to remember how to seek the things that matter and recognize that my own accomplishments deserve to sit at the top of that list.
The layers of grief forced me to experience feelings I had suppressed for years. Grief forces me to listen to my feelings and ask what I can learn from the patterns in my life. It implored me to create space and stillness and finally accept that the career and life I had built no longer served me. This also prompted me to finally seek help.
I am unhappy living the life I built decades ago because I am no longer that person, and there is power in accepting that knowledge.
Eventually, with the help of some irrefutable signs from the universe and some excellent guidance, I gave myself permission to give up on my career. I could also see that my resistance to change was the only real thing holding me back from a more fulfilling life and career. no longer.
Loss is a beast. But on the other hand, there are inevitably gains.
If you find yourself at a crossroads in your life and long to find a path to build something new that accommodates the person you’ve grown into, I have an annoyingly obvious secret to share. The only person who can walk this path is you. While this may feel like an impossible and unwelcome challenge, I daresay this fact may end up being your greatest gift.
What if you could transcend the ending and revel in the endless possibilities of the future?
What kind of work would you do and what contribution would you make to the world if the constraints imposed by society did not exist?
What would you spend your time doing if money was no object.
What kind of life do you want to create for yourself?
In the future, when your life is about to end, will you look back on the past and smile with satisfaction?
While I can’t give you any answers, my own failures and aha moments led me to compile the following tips for people like you who may be about to make a career transition.
If you’ve decided to put fulfillment at the top of your life list and you’re ready to update your career to fit the version of you reading this today, try these five tips for size.
1. Before life creates some room or space for you, create some room or space.
Once upon a time, before my entire world came to a halt due to a significant loss, my brain loved to waste the entire day focusing on the unimportant details of daily life. I tend to wrap myself up in a state of constant busyness, which allows me to keep my deepest insecurities and dissatisfactions faithfully buried beneath the surface.
My constant thoughts are part of my unconscious “life” and a huge part of what is preventing me from being aware, present and real in my current reality. I thought my thoughts were who I was, but I couldn’t be further from the truth.
If I hadn’t been handed this, I might never have stopped this constant thought drive Don’t believe everything you think: Why your thoughts are the beginning and end of your pain Author: Joseph Nguyen.
It taught me that if I didn’t choose to actively create inner space through daily yoga and meditation (or other practices), I would never know who I really was. Without this, how on earth would I make a career change to match my updated self? (Newsflash: I can’t.)
If you only choose one thing from this list to try before changing careers, choose this one. Commit to a practice that creates spacious space in your life and refuse to let go. Because if your new career is going to match the renewed you, you have to start by understanding yourself. You can only achieve this by making space and spending time there regularly.
2. Take inventory of childhood dreams that you (incorrectly) labeled as fantasy.
What did you want to be when you were seven years old? You may laugh, but this question is very useful in helping us understand what our souls have been drawn to do (at least until society gets involved with all the “shoulds”).
When we are children, we are not as obsessed with our thoughts as adults. As a result, we are more receptive to our goals, our desires, and our pleasure-seeking behaviors.
Make a list of things you enjoyed doing when you were seven years old. Are you still doing these things today? Do these things appeal or inspire new, similar ideas? Take stock and please don’t laugh at them. The key to a brilliant, fulfilling future may lie in these prior hobbies and interests.
3. Look at yourself now (not your past self).
We must also understand who we are today.
If no one in your family could see your career choice ballot box, where would your vote go? We no longer have to please our parents! After all we are adults. We’re also not here to please our spouses or children (although we can and should love them dearly). We are here to please ourselves and once we do that, you know the rest.
For some of us, asking for feedback from those closest to us can really help keep things running smoothly, too. What do our closest friends or colleagues think are our main strengths and weaknesses? What do they notice we bring into any room we enter? Keep the feedback that resonates and leave the rest.
4. Pay attention to what turns you on.
What do you find yourself passionate about (either very interested or completely irritated)? What could you spend an entire day doing (if life wasn’t always “living”)? What comes easy to you and makes you feel in flow?
There are clues here about your interests and passions, and potentially some of your core skills or talents. What makes time fly by for you? What conversations do you find yourself drawn to or looking for?
What do you realize time and time again that you stand for, no matter the situation? What values does this reflect on you? Once you’ve answered some of these questions, check to see if the career path you’re considering complements, fits, or is consistent with at least one of them.
5. Test potential careers before making the jump.
A change as big as a career change deserves some personal research. According to professional research, humans are terrible at predicting what will make us happy. We just have to test our ideas.
What if I told you that you could create ways to test potential career turning points before making a choice? Have you ever considered volunteering? Is it possible to send an email to each contact asking if they know someone working in the field and would be willing to do a career curiosity call?
Can you think of a project that would allow you to test/try new skills? How about a job shadow day? Have you ever considered sending cold messages via LinkedIn to people who work in this field?
Whatever idea you come up with is bound to be better than simply guessing at your best guess. Go in! Get creative. And start updating your life and career to fit the person you are today, not the person you were years ago when you created the life you still live.
About Alyssa Smith
Alyssa, a certified life purpose and career coach, came back to herself after a challenging wake-up call that resulted in multiple life and career turns. Through a heart-centered, holistic approach, she supports her clients to reconnect with their inner knowing, upgrade their lives to align with their evolving values, skills and desires, and ultimately find ways to feel rejuvenated A glorious career. Get her free resource 8 questions to master your superpowers and own your worth now!
