“Your new life will cost you your old life. It will cost you your comfort zone and your sense of direction. It will cost you relationships and friends. It will cost you not being liked and understood. That’s OK. The person you are destined to meet will eventually meet you on the other side. You will build a new comfort zone around the things that really push you forward. Instead of being liked, you will not be understood. See. All you have to lose is what you built for someone who is no longer you. ~Brianna West.
During a transformative two-year period marked by deep inner work and self-discovery, I stumbled upon a series of steps that helped me find a satisfying partnership that went far beyond attachment theory.
My life basically follows the cycle of the phoenix: first, it rises in spectacular flames, then it becomes more consistent than ever. I had to walk into total darkness before a seismic shift would bring me back to the light.
I hope my story helps you find direction in your journey to find love and a long-term partner. This journey is highly personal for everyone, so while this blueprint may not be exactly right for you, I hope it points you in the right direction.
Before we dive in, I want to explain what attachment theory is and why I’ve never found it personally helpful.
What is attachment theory?
Attachment theory, developed by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, explores how our early relationships with caregivers shape our behavior in adult relationships.
According to attachment theory, there are three main types of attachment styles:
- Safety accessories: Secure people enjoy intimacy and independence and can express their needs openly without fear of rejection.
- Anxious Attachment: Anxious people crave intimacy, fear abandonment, often seek constant reassurance, and become hypervigilant to signs of disconnection.
- Avoidant attachment: Avoidants prioritize independence and may distance themselves emotionally, feeling suffocated by intimacy.
Attachment theory is often used to explain why certain people seem to be attracted to the same relationship patterns, particularly the classic anxious-avoidant dynamic. The anxious type seeks comfort, which prompts the avoidant type to withdraw, exacerbating each other’s deepest fears.
But here’s the thing: While understanding your attachment style can help you understand your relationship patterns, it may not provide the practical solutions you need, especially in the long run.
While it was helpful to know that I had an anxious attachment style, even five years of therapy wasn’t enough to encourage me to choose safe people. Ultimately, while attachment theory clearly explained why I repeated certain patterns, it wasn’t the key to finding the satisfying relationship I longed for.
Things finally started to turn around when I let go of a life that no longer fit. Each unexpected event is like a domino, knocking down the old self to make room for the new. Funnily enough, it all started with a diary.
How writing reveals what you really want
Most of us know that we should be clear about what we want in a partner, but how many of us actually write it down? Of course I didn’t.
When, entirely on a whim, I picked up a book titled “ Being single is your superpower. I think it’s cheesy, but using pen and paper can tap into deeper subconscious thoughts – more effectively than just thinking in your head.
Turning to a random page, I saw a prompt asking me to write down the five qualities I most want in a partner. At first I rolled my eyes. It seemed too simple, not “deep” and transformative, but I did it anyway.
I thought I already knew what I was looking for: humor, spirituality, shared values, ambition. But what surprised me was the first trait that appeared: emotional availability.
This insight was a game changer. I realized that my previous focus on finding ambitious men had attracted career-demanding men—partners who tended to be avoidant.
This doesn’t mean you need to avoid your partner’s ambitions. It’s far away! It’s important to figure out the qualities that are truly important to you so you can see beyond surface characteristics. I started asking myself different questions:
Are they ambitious but still exist?
Do they find time to do the things they love?
Or are they using ambition as an excuse to distance themselves emotionally?
These questions became a new lens through which I viewed potential partners.
That’s when things took a turn. With this clarity, I began attracting emotionally rich people, and for the first time ever, I no longer argued with my partner. I didn’t get caught up in the tug-of-war with anxiety-avoidance.
It all starts with pen and paper. So even if you think you know what you want in a partner, I challenge you to take out a piece of paper and write it down. Find some powerful journal prompts to let your desires unfold in ways that might surprise you.
Don’t let others judge or belittle your desire for love
While my dating life started to get better—less conflict, more meaningful connections—I still hadn’t found someone I wanted to commit to long-term.
As I turned thirty, the pressure to start a family around my biological “window” became more apparent. However, sharing this with two close friends often made me feel unsupported. Comments like “You have enough time” or “Why are you so afraid of being alone?” Ignoring the real emotions I was grappling with.
The truth is, I’m not afraid of being alone. Of course, loneliness can be uncomfortable, but I’ve done the inner work to deal with those feelings. My desire for a partner came from a deeper place—a calling to build a family, to share my life with someone who shared my vision.
What I realized is this: When you show vulnerability and express your true desires and you still feel the need to protect yourself, then you’re not in the right environment.
It’s crucial to surround yourself with people who not only respect your journey, but also understand that your desire for love is a strength, not a weakness. Believe in yourself, believe in your desires, and never let others make you question your path, especially when it aligns with your core values.
This change in perspective laid the foundation for some difficult but necessary decisions I would later make. It taught me that we need to be selective about which sounds influence our most vulnerable desires.
Pursue any type of self-discovery work that awakens your soul
The year before these struggles, I participated in a strong coaching program that focused on identifying my core values, mission, and life purpose. I never thought about articulating what became one of my more important guiding core values: supporting others and feeling supported by others.
The truth is, I no longer feel supported by those friendships I mentioned earlier.
While this was happening, I was also contemplating a career change. I consulted an astrologer to see if my birth chart had any impact on my career. During this adventure, another unexpected stepping stone emerged.
My astrologer told me that I was well suited for a career in leadership. She couldn’t help but reveal, “Your call to motherhood is also very strong, and you will find a unique way to balance work and family.” Wow.
I found this very effective because it confirmed what I already knew: I didn’t want a partner just to fill a void or because I was afraid of being alone. Instead, I felt pulled by a deep calling: to build a family.
In a way this was just confirmation of what I already knew to be true, but when we are on a journey of self-discovery and occasionally filled with self-doubt, a supportive approach can be very helpful.
For me, it’s value-centered coaching and astrology. For you, this might be therapy, tarot, journaling, or other forms of self-discovery. Follow your intuition and lead with curiosity.
Start with subtraction, not addition, to embody the right partner
When two of my close friends increasingly filled my life with judgment and subtle criticism, I began to doubt myself around them. Our paths and values diverged (or did I just have a clear vision of what had happened?), which made our interactions more draining than enriching.
Even though I hated being alone and I didn’t have many close friends to begin with, I knew it was time to make a hard choice. In order to respect my values and boundaries, I decided to distance myself and intentionally create a significant void in my life.
This emptiness is both real and sometimes fraught with panic. When I’m feeling down, I’ll find myself thinking, “What have I done?!”
However, in moments of true alignment, I know letting go is the right decision. This newfound space in my life made me think, “Who do I know who radiates positive energy? Who do I want to be around?
The first person that comes to mind is a colleague with whom I have worked remotely for over seven years. He lives in Canada and I live in California, so I sent him an email asking if he wanted to hang out virtually. He enthusiastically agreed and we became good friends.
Then, one day, he jumped on a plane to California and we became best friends. Little did we know, that was the beginning of forever – because now we are married.
Although I didn’t know it at the time, performances often begin with Subtraction. It’s easy to think that attracting the right mate is about adding up, but performance isn’t just about creating space, it’s about filling it.
Trust that each bold step will prepare you for the next step
Looking back on the choices I made, I feel deeply grateful for the gaps I dared to create in my life—even though they sometimes caused panic. Consensus decisions aren’t always easy, but by staying true to my core values, I know I’m making the right choice.
In hindsight, the path seems simple: get clear on your desires (with pen and paper!), cut out what no longer fits, and trust that your life will unfold with each intentional step. But when you’re in it, it can feel like an endless, clumsy fumble.
In fact, I was filled with doubt every step of the way, but I kept going. Every step prepared me for the person I would become.
Ultimately, the empty spaces we create by letting go of things that no longer serve us are more than just emptiness—they are opportunities for transformation. These spaces inspire us to act in concert and build something new.
Keep in mind that your new life may require you to leave behind more than just your old habits. It may cause you to lose comfort, validation, and a sense of familiarity with who you once were. But on the other side of this transformation is something greater: truly seeing your relationships, the life that makes you deeply fulfilled, and the future you were always meant to be in.
Follow your intuition, embrace the unknown, and allow yourself to build a new life from the ashes of the old.
