“When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we can write the ending. ~ Brené Brown
Have you ever felt like a character in someone else’s show? And more importantly, the victims in your own story?
I spent many years like this. I cared so much about what other people thought of me that I didn’t even know how to be myself. I’m going to put on a show that I think everyone else will want to see. I learned that we don’t have to be great in life; we just have to be ourselves. Openness and honest speaking from the heart are our most valuable tools for living authentic lives.
Growing up, I was a “sensitive” kid. I was often laughed at for having feelings. I quickly learned how to shut down, numb, and take medication.
I began to struggle with anxiety and depression. I really didn’t know that was the case until things got to a point where it became more difficult to manage. I try to talk about my feelings but am often questioned and shunned. Eventually, these feelings manifested into quite severe eating disorders.
No one realized I had an eating disorder because thin was “in”. However, to put it in perspective, I was logging 500 calories a day, exercising for one to two hours a day, and purging anything I put in my body.
I had this problem with two friends in college. I remember feeling relieved, but also “discovered.” From my perspective at the time, I thought I had a pretty good life. I went to school and worked full time while maintaining friendships and new relationships.
Even during this intervention, I found myself justifying these behaviors. Remember, they were only addressing my eating disorder issues, not my day-to-day drinking issues.
Fast forward five years. I found myself married and divorced in less than a year. Before my divorce, I hid the fact that I drank a bottle of wine every night. I was doing well in one area of my life but falling apart in other areas.
Surprisingly, my addiction patterns have never affected my career. I lived a double life, providing therapy to others while barely treading water myself.
In 2010, I had my first DUI. I never did anything real to recover from this. I tried my best to hide it, hoping it would go away. However, experiences tend to be repeated until we learn what we are supposed to learn. In 2013, I drank and drove for the second time. I just stopped driving after drinking.
I paid $10,000 in attorney fees just to plead my innocence when clearly I was guilty. This is a moral conflict for me.
I applied for a therapy license in 2016 and was denied. Although I was honest with the board about my recent DUI, they learned that I had been dishonest with my current employer regarding my first DUI. My integrity was completely destroyed. I was viewed as a liar. I was living a double life and I was exhausted.
When the board revealed the truth, I felt simultaneously humiliated and liberated. They showed me that who I was on the inside was not what I looked like on the outside.
I made a promise to myself then and there not to hide the truth anymore. That day, I stopped drinking and have been sober for eight years now.
Rehab taught me to be honest and focus on doing the next right thing. So I became very honest in every aspect of my life. More importantly, I learned that if people feel uncomfortable with my story, that’s not my problem. I started to see that there was something wrong with everyone. I also see the benefits of being open and honest because it creates space for others to do the same.
People often tell me I’m “brave and courageous” but I’m just tired of being naive. I am healing loudly as I almost die in silence.
When I decided to be honest, my life changed for the better. I no longer have to remember my story. All the shame was gone and I was able to start making better life choices. People around me respect me more for owning my story. If you tell the truth, no one can hold it against you. Power is lost. The best part was that I started attracting beautiful, like-minded people.
Many people struggle with authenticity and telling the truth because they fear being judged. However, sharing your truth also unlocks the potential for self-growth, discovery, and connection. This can lead to profound personal transformation and more meaningful relationships with others.
This is a game changer. It lets you say what you want, ask for what you need, express your emotions, and celebrate your achievements. Every time you do this, you will increase your confidence, growth, and feelings of joy. Soon, you’ll see vulnerability as a strength, not a weakness.
You have the power to change your life, one step at a time. If you are brutally honest, you will get the following results:
self-acceptance/authenticity
You will learn to stop avoiding the painful parts of the story. Your story could be the hope someone else needs. You don’t have to live a double life, constantly changing hats depending on who’s around you. You can simply be yourself.
empower
You will be able to use your experience to gain autonomy and self-determination. You’ll be able to provide the same tools and resources to others.
Resilience/Growth
You will continue to strengthen your internal muscles to adapt to and recover from challenging life experiences. Resilience cannot be gained without suffering.
connect
Your relationship will transform from a surface level to a deeper emotional connection. You’ll take the lead by sharing feelings and showing vulnerability, and you’ll gain a stronger sense of understanding with others.
inspire others
You will lead by example. You will be able to influence and create a positive environment. This can be contagious and encourage others. You could be a catalyst for positive change.
Life is a collection of stories, a unique narrative that each of us creates through our own experiences, challenges, and choices. Your story reflects your journey. That means your wins, your losses, and everything in between.
Owning your own story can be daunting because it does require this kind of vulnerability. You will have to look back on your past, which may be uncomfortable or painful. You have to look at your mistakes, choices, and flaws. This goes against a culture that often emphasizes perfection and success. Additionally, sharing your story means risking judgment or rejection from others.
However, embracing your past allows you to shape your own narrative. You can turn adversity into strength. You can learn about your self-worth by forgiving yourself and being more tolerant of others. You learn to love yourself and appreciate the mistakes you make.
Offer your most precious gift—your authentic self—rather than trying to be everything to everyone.
“Owning our stories and loving ourselves throughout the process is the bravest thing we can do.” ~ Brené Brown
About Lauren Implem
Lauren is a therapist specializing in co-occurring disorders. She helps people process their shame and pain, helps them stop self-defeating patterns, and helps others build resilience and hope. You can find her on Psychology Today.
