“I’ve learned that the person I need to ask forgiveness for the most is myself. You have to love yourself. You have to forgive yourself every day. Every time you think of a flaw, a flaw, you have to tell yourself, ‘That’s okay.’ “You have to forgive yourself until you don’t see those things anymore. Because that’s what love looks like. ~ C. Joy Bell C.
Have you ever wondered why, despite your best efforts to heal and grow, you can’t seem to shake the feeling of inadequacy and are only seeing minimal results from all your efforts?
Perhaps, like me, you are unaware that you are living with a very subtle but permanent sense of guilt.
When I learned about self-awareness, I became familiar with this chronic feeling of guilt for the first time. At the beginning of my healing journey, I knew that in order to change anything, I had to be aware of it.
While this sounds good in theory, and may work when we look at it from a logical perspective, it often does not apply when we experience the imperfections of the therapeutic process in the arena.
in his book Break the habit of being yourselfJoe Dispenza explains how our bodies become addicted to certain chemicals we release in response to our thoughts and feelings.
If you’re used to feeling guilt, your brain will unconsciously look for it in everything you do, and your body will take a hit as a result.
Returning to self-awareness, let me ask you:
What do you do when you spot a pattern you want to change or a bad habit you want to cure—for example, people asking? Do you seek understanding and compassion, or do you judge yourself and feel like you “should” have acted differently?
Exactly.
It’s almost like we think that if we’re hard enough on ourselves, we’ll do better next time, muster up the courage, and do it “right.” In the process, we are crushing our souls, unconsciously sabotaging our recovery, and feeling smaller every day.
As I explore my guilt deeper, sometimes the things I judge myself for surprise me. I judge myself by how I feel, and once I observe it, I judge myself by how I feel. Or I’ll use guilt to unconsciously confirm the belief that I’m not enough.
Even when I made healthy decisions, like staying away from people who were bad for me, I would judge myself for running away instead of staying around and trying harder. There is always a reason to feel guilty.
It took me a long time to discover these patterns and I still find them to this day. It was, and still is, a part of my self-talk, although not as much as it once was. However, as I approached my guilt in a more loving way, I realized that only the right amount of love, compassion, and understanding could heal me.
We may find it difficult to detect chronic guilt because its presence is so subtle. If guilt and judgment of ourselves is our way of life, we may think, “This is how I’ve been feeling. This is normal.
But that’s not the case. We should not swim in inadequate or inadequate waters. If you’re thinking, “But what if I let go of the guilt and relax, and then feel less motivated to do more, to heal more, to grow more?”
Although guilt seems to be the fuel that drives us forward, in my experience it hinders our recovery. It robs us of our energy, motivation, inspiration and courage. It holds us back and creates uncertainty and self-doubt.
I remember one time, right after I left my marriage and started getting divorced, I started having digestive issues. The hardest thing for me to overcome was the anger and guilt I felt about what I had allowed, even though I didn’t realize it at the time. All I know is that I’m angry. Of course, this made my digestive issues worse.
During this time, I began to understand more about the connection between my gut and my mental and emotional health, and how my anxiety, sadness, and stress affected my physical health.
One day while I was talking to a friend on the phone, I started crying because I knew I was responsible for how my body felt.
When I calmed down and we sat in silence for a while, she said, “Maybe it’s time for you to forgive yourself.”
Her words immediately touched my heart and I knew I had to get back to the basics of therapy, which often lies in forgiving myself. Since then, I have approached my digestive illness and recovery with an attitude of forgiveness. This allows me to ease into the present moment and helps me view the entire situation with more love and understanding of myself.
I realized that living with an attitude of forgiveness is not a one-time thing, but a state of mind. From my understanding of this sacred and soulful practice, here are the four steps I always follow.
1. Be curious.
When you observe behavior you don’t like or experience what I call a “healing relapse” (a time when you behave in old, unhealthy ways), instead of jumping to judgment, get curious.
Healing Relapse is real and happens to all of us. You will take one step forward and two steps back. In the end, there will only be two steps forward and one step back. At some point, you may go back to your old ways. When you say “yes” when you want to say “no” and don’t reinforce your boundaries, you can then feel a sense of resentment. It doesn’t matter. Allow yourself to be imperfect.
A simple affirmation I use to remind myself to live a life without judgment is, “While I see myself slipping back into judging, pleasing others, seeking approval, etc., I choose to stop here, step away from judgment, and be curious instead. .it was okay to make mistakes in my recovery process.
2. Ask yourself some challenging but therapeutic questions.
When you notice judgment or guilt and become curious rather than resentful or judgmental, turn inward and try to understand. Explore the deeper layers of your self-talk and see where you are still choosing guilt over kindness and compassion.
Here are three common questions I ask myself:
“How can I better understand the part of me that I want to judge?”
“If accepting forgiveness is difficult for me, what wounds or pain do I need to deal with more in order to open my heart to healing?”
“How can I view this moment of judgment as an opportunity to grow? What can I learn from this?
3. Use meditation as a tool for self-forgiveness.
Meditation has been my number one tool for healing. I use it for self-forgiveness, inner child, self-love, and more.
A few years ago I was a member of a weekly coaching group. Each month we study a different theme, and this month’s theme at the time was forgiveness. The leader invited us to meditate together. I sat comfortably in my seat and closed my eyes. We begin with a series of breathing exercises to stay grounded and relaxed. Then he asked us to repeat it after him. The first words he said were: “I forgive myself.”
The moment I said these words, I shed tears and felt a huge release. It was like a huge weight fell off my chest. This was my first self-forgiveness practice, and it made me realize how much guilt and judgment I often carry.
Since then, using self-forgiveness meditation has become one of my favorite tools for eliminating guilt.
4. Use self-compassion to heal negative self-talk.
As I mentioned before, living with an attitude of forgiveness is a way of life, not a one-time event.
At first, you may find yourself going back and forth between judgment and understanding. This is part of the process, so don’t get discouraged. Instead, whenever you catch yourself judging yourself, stop. You can also say “pause” to yourself mentally or out loud. This interrupts the judgmental thinking pattern that is taking place.
Then, get comfortable with your negative self-talk and don’t resent it. You can use this compassionate statement, “I know you,” to refer to your thoughts, “Here to protect me by providing thoughts that are known, familiar, and feel safe. However, I choose to do it differently.” Move forward. I deserve compassion and forgiveness and choose to be kind to myself.
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Healing guilt is not a quick fix, but a process that changes the core of your relationship with yourself.
Be patient on this journey, and when you find yourself slipping back into your old ways, take a deep breath and declare with all your heart: I deserve to live a sinless life, and this time, I choose to forgive.
About Sylvia Turonova
Silvia Turonova is a women’s mindset coach who guides women toward emotional healing while helping them live lives of wholeness, balance, and inner resilience. She enjoys writing and serving women through her blog. You can learn more about working with her and her one-on-one coaching intensive course COACH here , or get her free self-coaching worksheet here .
