“If you love yourself, it doesn’t matter whether other people like you because you don’t need their approval to feel good about yourself.” ~ Lori Deschene
For most of my life, I worried about what other people thought. Every move I make is like I’m performing for someone else. My life is built on their approval.
Then comes the loss. Within a few years, three family members died. Each time, grief hits me like a fist.
My mother is my pillar of strength; next comes my father, who may not always be with me but is still my father, and then my brother – which is cruel fate.
Their absence leaves a void that seems impossible to fill.
I felt empty, like someone had taken the air out of me. I felt breathless and empty. Grief, relentless and heavy, kept knocking me down.
I tried to keep it up on the outside, but on the inside I was trapped. Unable to move. I don’t know what to do.
I remember sitting alone in the garden one day after my brother passed away. The sun was out but I felt nothing.
As we approach Easter, I have a list of commitments. Things I agreed to, people I had to meet. Each one was like a chain around my neck.
I stared at my phone, anxious and exhausted. ”Where are you? The message has been read. My hands are shaking. That’s when I put it down.
It was a liberating moment. I realized I didn’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to worry about what other people want.
It’s time to let go. In that release, I found a new sense of freedom and hope.
I picked up my phone again and texted, “Sorry, I can’t come today.” Then I hit send.
One message turned into two, then three. “I’m sorry, I’m not coming.” The words felt strange, as if they were the first time I’d said them.
A small gesture, a message, is enough to break the bondage. For the first time in years I felt like I could breathe. The tightness in my chest lessened.
This was a turning point in my journey to self-acceptance.
I didn’t know it at the time, but that was the beginning of my life again. With just a few words, the weight begins to lift.
sadness changes everything
Grief stripped away everything I thought was important. The layers of “shoulds” and “musts” peel off like dead skin. I was left with nothing but the raw, painful truth.
I saw my life clearly for the first time. It is based on other people’s expectations. There is no room left for me.
This is the most challenging part. I spent a long time trying to be what other people wanted me to be. Now I don’t know who I am.
But the losses kept coming, pushing me deeper into the emptiness. Each time, it took something away from me. Each time, I was forced to take a closer look at myself.
I’m starting to see a pattern. I live for others, not for myself. It’s a painful truth, but grief can reveal hidden things.
accomplish
One day I stood in front of the mirror. Looking back, I saw a stranger in my reflection. My face, my clothes, the way I stand – it’s all for others.
That’s when I decided I needed a change. I don’t want to live like this. I need to stop.
I don’t need other people’s approval. I don’t need to be perfect for anyone but myself. It’s time to break free.
It’s not easy. The habit of pleasing others is deeply ingrained. But I started with baby steps.
steps towards freedom
First, I listen to my thoughts. I stopped when I found myself worrying about other people’s opinions. “Will this help me?” I wanted to ask.
The answer is almost always no! So I gave up the idea. This is redemption.
Slowly, the worries and sleepless nights that came with trying to please others diminished.
Next, I set boundaries. The most challenging boundaries are mine. I had to stop pushing my physical, emotional or spiritual limits.
I started saying no. I no longer feel guilty for choosing myself. Setting boundaries empowers me and makes me feel more in control of my life.
It’s a declaration of my needs and desires, a step toward asserting my worth.
I stay away from people who drain me and people who make me question myself. This is a gradual process.
I started spending less time with them, and eventually, I found the courage to express my need for space.
I started creating space where I could breathe and focus on my health.
Slowly, I started doing things that felt good: walking in the rain instead of counting steps; I just walked for joy.
I no longer try to please everyone; instead, I am happy with myself.
This focus on my desires and needs is an important aspect of my journey to self-acceptance and self-love.
I’m no longer a moderator because someone else needs it. The first Christmas after my brother died, I spent the holiday with just my kids and started a tradition centered around what works for me. Now I only host when it feels right.
I’m also no longer that person who regularly connects with family or friends. I realized that I don’t have to single-handedly check or maintain relationships. It’s freeing to believe that true friendships won’t crumble without my continued efforts.
Every little movement brings me closer to myself. Every “no” reminds me of myself. This is not a sudden shift, but a slow and steady one.
Healing through action
There is freedom without needing anyone’s approval. I started feeling it in my bones. I started laughing again.
The weight was lifted. I notice the world again—the changing colors of the sky at dusk, the feel of the wind on my face. Life is waiting for me.
I started walking more – no destination, no purpose – just walking. I feel the ground beneath my feet, solid and real.
Losing someone I love will always be with me. But it doesn’t define me anymore. This is part of the story, not the whole story.
go ahead
If you’re having trouble seeking approval, start small, one step at a time. You don’t have to change everything at once.
Ask yourself: What do I want today? Just for today, choose that one. Enough.
Think back to a time when you felt stuck—when you were overwhelmed by external pressures and tried to meet everyone’s expectations; when you sacrificed your own needs and desires to please others; or when you found yourself constantly worrying about what others thought. By reflecting on these moments, you can identify what’s holding you back and take the first steps towards living authentically.
Self-reflection is an important part of the journey to self-love and self-acceptance. It is a mirror that allows you to see yourself more clearly, understand your desires and needs, and freely meet them.
Breaking free takes time. These habits are deeply ingrained. But every small step weakens the chain.
Embrace self-acceptance
Self-acceptance is not easy. It felt foreign, like trying on clothes that didn’t fit. But gradually, I got used to it.
I stopped chasing what others thought was beautiful. I looked at my flaws and decided they were mine. These quirks became hallmarks of who I was.
Writing helps. It’s messy and unfiltered, but it’s real.
I see my pattern. The way I bend over backwards to blend in with others.
So, I started taking small actions. For example, I started embracing my uniqueness by wearing clothes that made me smile (like mini skirts!).
I spend more time with supportive people. People who make me feel seen. Their encouragement helped me believe that I didn’t have to change to be valuable.
healing process
Of course, there are setbacks. I fell back into my old habits. But each time, I chose to move on.
It’s not a straight path. There are twists and turns. But every small step makes you stronger.
There is freedom without needing approval from others. I started to feel it growing. I feel relaxed and unburdened.
in conclusion
Grief changes everything. But through it, I found strength. I discovered that my value was buried beneath all the noise.
You don’t need anyone’s approval to feel good about yourself. The only person who can define your worth is yourself.
So ask yourself today: Who is writing my story?
If the answer isn’t you, then it’s time to take your pen back.
About Amanda Scully
Amanda is an English teacher, Montessori teacher, counselor, author, and creator of the blog Claiming Life https://claiminglife.com/exploring about self-love, empowerment, and authentic living. After experiencing the deaths of three family members, she draws from her experiences to help others regain their strength and love for life.
