“Having the courage to set boundaries is having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk letting others down.” ~ Brené Brown
On a recent day trip to the Yuba River with my daughter and two friends, unexpected tensions arose that gave me an opportunity to reflect on patterns throughout my life that have often complicated my relationships. It was a beautiful day and I had been looking forward to soaking up the sun and relaxing by the water, but my friend wanted to have a more adventurous day.
Although the footbridge leads to a clear path, she suggested we take a more difficult route over steep boulders. Although I was hesitant at first, I said yes, hoping to be open to her plans. But as I navigated the rocks with weak knees and slippery Birkenstocks, I began to regret my choice.
Each step required more balance and focus than I expected, and as I struggled to find my footing, I worried that I would let my friends down if I suggested another path. I often find myself accommodating others at the expense of my own comfort—a pattern I’ve been trying to break out of for years. Eventually, I did speak up, and when we went back, I was happy to reflect on my growth in meeting my needs, even though it felt fragile.
However, just as we reached the stairs leading to the pedestrian bridge, my friend turned around again. This time, she suggested wading across the river and climbing to the rocky bank on the other side. The idea didn’t make sense to me and I really didn’t want to go down this road, but guilt crept in because I knew I had rejected one of her suggestions. Feeling that familiar feeling of people-pleasing, I once again transcended my preferences.
So we waded across the river, balancing our backpacks, and climbing over slippery rocks to reach the other side—which was steep and dangerous. My daughter climbed up the cliff-like bank with the help of a friend, but I could see the anxiety in her eyes as I struggled to regain my footing.
At that moment, I realized that I was forcing myself to do something that wasn’t safe for either of us. What do I want to prove? Why would I put myself in such a stressful situation when it would be so much easier to just walk across the pedestrian bridge?
Eventually, another friend and I decided to turn back rather than risk the steep climb. We waded across the river again and up the stairs to the footbridge I had always wanted to walk on. After reuniting with my daughter and friends on the other side, we finally hit the trail.
I felt a sense of satisfaction when I again recognized my people-pleasing patterns and chose to change direction. Troubles soon set in, however – despite passing many perfect spots, we continued hiking because our friends were determined to find a pristine, remote spot to swim. While I admired her vision for an adventurous day, I began to feel restricted and realized that I still valued her wishes over my own.
We eventually stumbled onto a crowded nude beach – while I have no judgment about nudity, the situation was uncomfortable for my teenage daughter. My friend tried to convince us to swim past the swimmers to find a quieter spot, but I knew it wasn’t for my daughter. This time, I didn’t hesitate. Although I felt very uncomfortable, I firmly refused.
I tell my friends that I want us all to enjoy life at our own pace. So I encouraged them to continue their adventure while my daughter and I returned to where we started – a place that had always felt like a perfect place to swim. My friend seemed disappointed and guilt washed over me again, but I felt grateful for my decision.
How many times have we allowed ourselves to be swayed by the desires of others to the exclusion of our own?
A few years ago, I might have felt annoyed or even resentful that my days weren’t unfolding the way I wanted. I might blame my friend for being “aggressive” and not listening. This time, however, I focused on observing my inner reactions rather than letting them take over.
Each obstacle became an opportunity to test my reactions. I noticed time and time again that I easily accommodated others, even at the expense of my own comfort—a pattern born of a fear of losing connection.
I hold no grudge against my friend; I know she just loves adventure and desires to create unforgettable experiences. In addition to my love for her and my belief in her kindness, I also did a lot of shadow work. I realized that judgment and blame are often projections and ways we avoid taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs.
So when that familiar pull of people-pleasing emerged, instead of giving in to resentment or moving on just to keep the peace, I practiced something different: listening to my inner voice and aligning my actions with my Really want to be consistent.
It took me three times to finally figure it out. While openness and flexibility are valuable qualities, we must also be willing to risk disappointing others to get our own needs met. Rather than weakening our connections, this kind of self-respect fosters authentic relationships with ourselves and others.
My daughter and I ended up having a relaxing time at the location of our choice while our friends enjoyed their adventure. When they returned we took a final swim together, diving into the cool water and drying off on the warm, sunlit rocks. We had a fun conversation on the way home and even stopped at a roadside stand for some of the best key lime pie we’ve ever had. It turned out to be a great day full of connections after all.
Reflecting on this experience highlights common patterns we often encounter: the tendency to please others, the fear of disappointing them, and the guilt that can arise when expressing our needs.
As I learned to witness and navigate these conditioned responses, my relationships and enjoyment of life improved dramatically and ultimately became more authentic. That doesn’t mean I no longer face challenges, like the ones I encountered on the river. However, I can now deal with these situations more easily, and my increased self-awareness has led to continued growth and a deeper sense of freedom beyond old patterns.
Based on my experience, here are some insights that might support you in a similar situation, especially if you feel torn between your own desires and your fear of disappointing those around you:
Notice.
Pay attention to what’s going on inside and be curious about what triggers you. Identify your inner conflicts—such as anxiety about disappointing others or fear of being seen as selfish. This self-awareness is critical to answering your questions authentically.
Stay in the moment.
Focus on the present moment rather than your expectations. Embracing the status quo aligns your choices with reality rather than how you want things to turn out. Transform the frustration of not achieving your ideals into fully participating in the experience at hand.
Take responsibility.
Avoid blaming others and instead focus on your own feelings and needs. This allows you to advocate for yourself based on your values without feeling resentment or guilt. By slowing down and reflecting on your choices, you will gain clarity and self-compassion. Ask yourself: What do I really want right now?
Speak it out loud with Grace.
Communicate your needs and preferences clearly and kindly to promote open communication while staying connected. It can be daunting to speak up, but setting boundaries is an important act of self-love. Believe that your needs are valid and worth sharing and can be expressed.
Navigating our experiences in a way that honors our authentic selves is an ongoing practice. By listening to our inner voice, being curious about our reactions, and letting go of blame, we can create space to pursue our desires without feeling guilty. Each choice becomes a step toward true alignment, freeing us from the weight of others’ expectations.
About Susan Lahler
Suzanne L’Heureux is a Certified Master Jungian Life Coach dedicated to helping midlife women seeking a deeper sense of fulfillment and purpose. Suzanne’s coaching approach blends Jungian psychology with Eastern spirituality, providing a unique blend of psychological insight and spiritual wisdom. she is Let Your Shadow In: A Mindfulness Deck for Exploring Big Emotions. Sign up for the newsletter here: www.divingdeepcoaching.com Instagram @divingdeepcoaching
