“Create a safe space within yourself where no one can find it, where the madness of the world can never reach.” ~ Christiane Ann Martin
Losing my grandmother was like losing someone who had always been my rock. She was my rock, my quiet cheerleader, and the only person who truly made me feel like I was okay, just like me. I never had to pretend or hide my mistakes or messes from her.
Her ability to project a presence and calmness even when life around us wasn’t that gave me a sense of security that, in retrospect, I relied on more than I ever imagined.
Her gentle spirit taught me what unconditional love looks and feels like, and without fully realizing it, I relied on her presence to keep me grounded and make sense of things when everything else felt uncertain.
When I gave her the eulogy at her funeral, I called her “Grandma’s Mary Poppins, perfect in almost every way.” She is perfect in my eyes; she always will be.
When she left, I felt an incredible emptiness. After receiving the message, I fell to the ground. I was alone, unable to muster the courage to get up from the floor, crying so hard that I started to choke. I crawled to the toilet, thinking I was going to throw up. I leaned against the tub and sobbed, and a strange sense of peace came over me.
I started to calm down and the song “Over the Rainbow” popped into my head and had my earworm repeating the song. I stood up from the bathroom floor, grabbed my phone, and posted a video of the song on my social media profile. Later that day I discovered that song was my grandma’s favorite.
It felt like I had not only lost her, but a part of myself – something I had unknowingly been relying on for so long. Her love is a mirror that allows me to see my own worth; without her, I don’t know how to recognize it. The grief of losing her was profound, but beneath the grief, I knew something else was stirring. I needed to find the consistency she provided, but this time, it had to come from within.
My healing journey began with the understanding that if I wanted to feel whole, I had to become a stable, loving presence to myself.
For a long time, I sought approval from others, believing that if I put in enough effort, worked hard, and stayed flexible, I would eventually get the acceptance I desperately craved. But when she left, I suddenly realized that no one could fill that space in my life. I needed to find inner security.
At first, it felt like too much to take on. I was faced with layers of emotions and beliefs that had been with me for as long as I could remember, and the thought of dealing with it all was scary.
I found that I often tied my sense of worth to what I could offer others, how I felt I needed to prove myself by giving, and how I relied on external reassurance rather than internal validation. I learned to play the role of solver, supporter, and giver, often without realizing that I neglected to support and care for myself.
Over time, I began to understand that, like my grandmother, I needed to cultivate a constant, gentle presence within myself that I could turn to no matter what. I needed to be my safe haven, someone I could rely on for kindness and encouragement.
The first step was to create rituals that reflected the warmth and stability she had always provided me. Every morning I sit quietly and meditate on gratitude and journaling about my worth before starting my day. These small, conscious actions became a way for me to ground myself, examine myself, and create a sense of stability in my life.
I’m not naturally good at setting boundaries—I get that anxious feeling in my stomach when I say “no.” I’m always worried that if I say “no” the person will stop coming to me, or that I’ll hurt their feelings and I’ll make myself feel guilty.
Eventually, I knew I had to change something. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of over and over again. It became a pattern: I gave too much and then resented other people or people involved without realizing the problem was me.
If I don’t start respecting my limits, I’ll have nothing left to give. Gradually, I practiced saying “no” without providing a reason or apologizing. It’s not easy. It felt strange at first, like I was being a little selfish by doing this. But with each boundary, I began to feel a new inner strength that I had never felt before. It’s like I’m finally treating myself as kindly as I treat everyone else.
Learning to accept my emotions instead of running from them has been the most challenging part. I understand that grief is not something you can “get over.” It’s something you learn to live with. Instead of pushing away my grief, I allowed myself to feel it fully and let it come and go without judgment.
It can be overwhelming at times, but also therapeutic. In those moments, I feel like she’s almost still with me, her presence comforting me, as if to say, “It’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to let yourself be sad.”
Through this incident, I began to rediscover parts of myself that had been put aside. I allowed myself to be creative again and express things I had been suppressing without worrying about how it would be perceived. I started journaling every day, writing down my dreams, fears, and memories. These are more than just words on a page—they are my way of healing, bit by bit, as I find my way back to feeling whole again.
Over time, I started to notice changes. I felt a growing sense of worth that wasn’t based on anyone’s approval. I don’t feel the need to prove myself. I slowly accepted my flaws and realized that self-love doesn’t mean perfection. This means patience and a willingness to continue showing up, especially on the tough days.
My grandmother’s death taught me one of the most important lessons of my life: I can be my safe place. I can build a life where I feel valued and loved from the inside without relying on anyone to create that life for me.
Of course, sometimes I still fall back into old habits and look for external validation, but now I know I have everything I need inside of me. Her memory remains with me as a reminder of strength and love – two things she taught me through her life.
For anyone struggling to find a sense of inner peace, I hope by sharing my story I can show you that it is within reach. It’s a journey; it takes time, patience, consistency, and commitment, but it’s worth it. Otherwise, you will never achieve the sense of peace you deserve. In doing so, I found a peace and confidence that I never imagined possible. I’m sure it’s something my grandmother would be proud of.
About Brandilyn Holcroft
Brandilyn Hallcroft is a designer, writer, marketer, and founder of Journals to Healing, where she creates self-help journals that guide readers toward personal growth. With a deep commitment to emotional wellness, she shares her journey to inspire others on their path to healing. Contact her at Journalstohealing.com.
