“It takes strength and self-love to say goodbye to things that no longer serve you.” ~ Rumi
When I was young, I promised myself that after I got married, I would no Divorce anyway! My parents divorced when I was five, and I knew I didn’t want my children to go through what I went through growing up in a “broken” home. I want my children to know what it’s like to live in a house where their parents are present and involved in their lives.
So when I found myself seven years into my marriage, sitting in my therapist’s office wondering if my husband and I were going to make it, I had no idea what I would face if I had to navigate life, let alone parenthood . How does a person escape emotional and verbal abuse without permanently affecting who they are as a person?
At that time, all I could think about was my three beautiful daughters. They should have happy parents, live a happy life in a happy home!
On the surface, our lives look like this, but our reality is not. The yelling, the name-calling, the threats, the holding back, the verbal and emotional abuse took its toll on all of us, until one day, after five years of trying, I had enough.
One night I will never forget, nearly twelve years into my marriage, we were all sitting at the dinner table, and just like every time before, the switch flipped and the yelling started. But this time, I packed up my things and left. This would be my last time away; after the three previous attempts I was promised everything would be fine and we would make it work, but this time was different. I didn’t go back.
Okay, I’m out; what now? Little did I know leaving would be the easy part. The hardest and most challenging moments of my life occurred after I finally broke free. But I didn’t know that learning how to love myself again and believe that I deserve good things would be a real challenge, especially after what I’d been through.
The storm that occurred after my marriage ended would shake me to my core. One special moment was when my middle daughter, who was only thirteen at the time, was able to find her way from central Wisconsin to Tennessee, but no one knew where she was or if we would be able to find her.
My daughter despises me for destroying her family and wants to get as far away from me as possible, even if it means entrusting strangers to drive her fifteen hours en route to Tennessee. The next morning, after she disappeared, I woke up and read the “goodbye” note she left on the bed, and honestly, I didn’t know if I would ever see her again.
If I was in panic mode, that would be an understatement to describe how I felt over the next twenty-four hours as we—my parents, my friends, my siblings, the police, and even strangers—tried Find my daughter. I can’t think of a worse feeling in the world than a mother who is about to lose a son or daughter, or has just lost a son or daughter. I thought to myself, “How could this happen? Haven’t we been through enough?
Just twenty-six hours after my daughter found the stranger’s car, I received a call from a police officer in a county in Tennessee saying they had found her. Thank the Lord, all I can think about is – someone is watching over us!
Then I realized it was time to figure out how to love myself again and heal from my divorce so I could be more present for my daughters.
Would I have done anything differently? Absolutely! But you can’t go back and change the past; the only thing you can do is learn from it and try not to make the same mistake in the future.
The best thing I did for myself was get a subscription that gave me access to hundreds of workout programs at home (since I was my daughters’ sole provider at the time). As I completed these programs, I not only saw improvements in my body, but also in my mindset, which motivated me to want to yes better and Do After this, everyone gets better – not just for me, but for my girls too!
Being able to complete a tough workout and see that I can do difficult things and produce positive results helped build my confidence when I needed it most! This newfound increased confidence encouraged me to keep going, even as I faced many storms, which allowed me to begin to heal.
Training is just the beginning for me. Ultimately, they led me down a path that helped me discover how to love myself again.
When I left my now ex-husband, I had no idea what I would be facing until I could finally break free for good. But now that I’m out there and able to change my mind and love my life again, I realize how powerful some of the lessons I learned really are.
1. Forgiveness is the first step to healing.
Many people think forgiveness means you forgive someone’s actions, but that’s not at all what you do when you forgive. Forgiveness is the conscious letting go of negative emotions, such as resentment or anger, towards someone who has done something wrong to you.
Choosing to forgive when you are ready means you are making a conscious and thoughtful choice to release feelings of resentment and/or revenge against someone who hurt you, regardless of whether you think that person deserves your forgiveness.
You forgive yourself and allow yourself to move on from the incident, which also allows you to fully recover.
2. Mentality is very important.
Your thoughts shape your reality, so if you think you don’t deserve good things, you won’t be able to attract them into your life.
When you’re in a toxic environment, negative emotions cloud your judgment and make it harder to get out of the situation. But once you step away and start focusing on a growth mindset and optimism, everything changes. When you focus on the good things, the good things get better. This was the foundation upon which I built my life after freeing myself from the toxicity of my marriage.
3. Listening to your intuition is crucial.
Ignoring your gut will lead to situations you will regret many times. Learning to trust my inner voice, the voice that whispers to me when something isn’t right, has been my best guide to making better choices.
4. Positive change starts with self-love.
Self-love is more than just a buzzword. This is the armor you use to fight those who try to break you. It’s telling yourself that you deserve better, even if you don’t quite believe it yet, and taking action to create better, even if it’s just a small step.
For me, self-love started when I left my abusive ex-husband and then grew when I started taking care of my body. Sometimes, even the smallest acts of self-care can help us feel more confident about our worth.
If you too have been in an abusive relationship, remember—you can rebuild and thrive in a life you love!
About Christine Homan
Kristine Homann is a registered nurse and mindset coach who specializes in helping men and women recover from life’s toughest moments so they can break out of survival mode and thrive in a life they truly love growing up. Passionate about helping others rediscover their own power, Christine shares strategies rooted in personal experience and certifications that empower people to believe in themselves and their abilities. Click here or visit youquest.live to view her free Mindset Mastery Guide.
