“We rescue people from their responsibilities. We take care of people’s responsibilities to them. Later we get angry at them for something we did. Then we feel used and feel sorry for ourselves. That’s the pattern, the triangle .~ Melody Betty
In 2019, after I ended a four-year relationship, I first discovered codependency and how it was destroying my relationships.
At that time, I knew nothing about myself – except that I didn’t know myself at all. I don’t know what I need or want. All I knew was that I hated being alone and longed for someone to come in and save me from myself. Little did I know, I was deeply stuck in my codependency pattern.
With no one to validate or comfort me, I was forced to face the uncomfortable truth about my role in the dysfunctional relationship.
For a long time, I blamed my partner for everything that was “wrong”—the lack of connection, the emotional exhaustion, and the resentment that overwhelmed me. I felt exhausted, unappreciated, and frustrated, but in my mind, they were the problem. I believe if they changed everything would be better.
It wasn’t until I started looking within that the truth began to emerge. I saw how my codependent behaviors contributed to the problems I complained about. I put so much energy into fixing them and the relationship that I neglected my own needs, boundaries, and happiness.
Once I became aware of these patterns, everything started to change. I started acting out in different ways—not just for them, but for myself. This awareness is the key to turning your relationship around.
When we got back together, everything was like night and day. The dynamic has completely changed. Instead of feeling exhausted and frustrated, we are able to show up more fully and authentically in the relationship. I created a unique framework linking shadow work and inner child healing that I now use in my relationships whenever I am triggered or blame my partner.
After recently celebrating over a decade together, our relationship is now built on mutual respect, healthy boundaries, and emotional safety—creating something stronger and more fulfilling than we’ve ever been together.
But here’s the thing – before I could make that shift, I first had to become aware of the hidden ways in which codependency was damaging my relationship. These behaviors are sneaky and often disguised as care or concern, but they can have a damaging impact on how we behave in relationships.
If you’re wondering how codependency can negatively impact your relationship, here are some of the ways it can show up.
1. You need to be needed.
I learned that my sense of worth was determined by how much others needed me.
When we are interdependent, our goals, self-worth, and feeling good about ourselves become dependent on how much the other person needs us. This makes sense because many of us see mothers self-sacrifice as if that sacrifice equals love.
This pattern satisfies codependents because it alleviates their fears of abandonment and rejection. They believe that if the other person in the relationship becomes dependent on me to meet their needs, then they will not leave me. (Spoiler alert: This often leads to resentment in the long run.)
2. You have trouble identifying your own needs and feelings.
I realized that I had a hard time recognizing and identifying my own needs and feelings because I was constantly sensing the needs and feelings of others and making choices based on my own desire to be liked.
This behavior may manifest as people-pleasing and doing things you think others want you to do. It stems from insecurities, probably from childhood, which taught you that being aware of other people’s needs and feelings can protect you from pain. Unfortunately, this can cause you to lose your sense of self, leading to an inability to voice your needs and feelings, causing them to feel unmet in your adult relationships.
3. You often feel anxious.
For months I would wake up in the middle of the night with excruciating pain in my chest. My anxiety got so bad that I would wake up with painful panic attacks that felt like a heart attack, so much so that I ended up in the emergency room.
I felt anxious all the time because I was always trying to make others happy but I didn’t realize it was at the expense of my own happiness.
The fear of betrayal or abandonment can be so debilitating, and the resulting anxiety can make you self-sacrificial in the hope of making others happy so they won’t leave. So even when we realize our partner is doing harmful things, those of us who experience codependency continue to stay in relationships because we attach our safety and security to this person instead of finding safety for ourselves .
4. You feel disrespected or unappreciated.
After years of taking care of my partner, I reached a point of deep resentment. I realized that I was overextending myself because I had an unconscious agenda or desire that they would do the same thing for me. Whenever they don’t, I feel unappreciated, ignored, and uncared for.
For people in codependent relationships, resentment often emerges later when a pattern of constant over-giving and self-sacrifice develops. This tendency to over-give and resent may stem from low self-worth and self-esteem and our fear of abandonment.
I learned that I was really just afraid of setting healthy boundaries and asking for what I needed because I believed they would think I was too much or selfish and leave me. So instead of speaking up, I kept hoping they would guess what I wanted, only to be continually disappointed and disappointed.
5. You feel selfish when you spend time with yourself (or when you avoid self-care).
Many people, especially mothers, feel guilty and selfish when it comes to taking time for themselves. But why should anyone else matter more than you? I know I struggled with this deep fear of being viewed negatively until I realized that I had no control over what people thought of me, and quite frankly, what other people thought of me was none of my business!
Those of us who struggle with codependency may feel that we ask for too much, or that we yes Too much, so we make ourselves small and avoid taking up space out of fear of what others will think of us.
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Healing codependency begins with awareness. Once you become aware of the subtle patterns and behaviors that are damaging your relationship, you can begin to change the dynamic.
It’s not about fixing others; It’s about healing yourself—understanding your needs, setting healthy boundaries, and showing up authentically. By taking responsibility for your role in the relationship and committing to your own healing, you can create space for deep, meaningful connections and more joy.
Remember, healing does not mean no longer experiencing these patterns or triggers; It’s about how you control yourself when they show up.
About Alyssa Zander
Alyssa Zander is a codependency and relationship coach and The Alchemy of Interdependence— a podcast and thriving community on Substack — She supports people healing codependency through shadow work and inner child healing. Click here to join her community for deeper insights and support. To begin your own journey of healing from codependency and learn how your inner child and shadow work can transform your relationships, download her for free A guide to shadow work and your inner child here.
