“Expectation is calculated resentment.” ~Unknown
Yesterday, I found myself sitting across from my boss, fighting back tears, and uttering the words that have been bothering me for three years: “I feel like I’m underappreciated.”
The words felt heavy in my throat. As a law professor, I have always prided myself on my calmness and professionalism. But in that moment, all the walls I had carefully built came crashing down.
“I put in the extra time. I mentor people. When someone needs help, I’m always available to help. “But it feels like no one really appreciates it. It’s like all this effort is being ignored.
Anyone who has ever put their heart and soul into work can relate to this feeling.
Maybe you’re that coworker who always stays up late to help others get their assignments done on time. Maybe you’re a team member who takes on extra projects without being asked. Or the person who remembers everyone’s birthdays and organizes office celebrations.
You keep giving, hoping that this devotion will somehow translate into the recognition and respect you crave.
The boss listened quietly, with a thoughtful expression on his face. He then shared two insights that shook my understanding of professional relationships.
“First of all,” he said, leaning forward, “mastery in any field takes time. But most people forget this—it’s not just about mastering technical skills. It’s about mastering your relationship with the work itself.
I sat for a while and let it sink in.
“Second,” he continued, “when we tie our confidence to the reactions of others, we build our professional homes on quicksand.”
This hit us hard. I realized I had created an elaborate scorecard in my head: every extra hour should equal a certain amount of gratitude; every additional task should translate into a certain level of respect. When reality didn’t match those expectations, my confidence collapsed.
This is a trap many of us fall into. We believe that if we work hard enough, stay up late enough, and help enough people, recognition will follow. If not, we feel betrayed, undervalued, and begin to question our worth.
Ultimately, we need to learn to validate ourselves, but this is where things get subtle and important. This does not mean that we should accept circumstances that consistently underestimate or exploit our dedication. There’s a delicate balance between developing intrinsic motivation and recognizing when a situation is truly unhealthy.
Let me share what this balance looks like in practice. A few months ago, I found myself showing up three hours late every day, responding to work messages in the middle of the night, and constantly taking on other people’s responsibilities. At first, I told myself I was just giving. But then I asked myself three key questions:
1. Is this a pattern of working hard without any recognition, or am I overworking myself by seeking recognition?
2. Will my extra efforts be recognized occasionally, if not always?
3. Can I safely express concerns about workload and boundaries?
These answers helped me differentiate between my desire for constant validation and my legitimate need for basic professional respect. I realized that while I needed to work on my relationship with external validation, I also needed to set clearer boundaries around my time and energy.
That night, I opened my laptop and started writing a different work diary. Instead of tracking other people’s reactions, I wrote down what I was proud of that day: explaining a complex concept clearly, helping someone understand a difficult topic, and making progress on a challenging project. But I also notice when my boundaries are crossed, when the extra effort goes beyond what is reasonably expected.
This double awareness—inner recognition and outer respect—changes everything.
I learned to appreciate my own efforts while advocating for myself when necessary. I started leaving get off work at a reasonable time most of the time, leaving the extra time for really important projects. I started setting boundaries for my free time, and surprisingly, it earned me more respect, not less.
Here’s what I’ve learned about finding that balance:
1. Question your expectations. Distinguish between needing constant praise and deserving basic respect.
2. Look for influence, not appreciation. When I did this, I noticed small moments that I had previously overlooked: silent nods of understanding during a presentation, and subtle shifts in someone’s confidence after our interaction.
3. Establish internal metrics. Define success on your own terms, but don’t ignore the red flags in your environment.
4. Set healthy boundaries. Your giving should not come at the expense of your well-being.
5. Recognize the differences. Know when you are seeking validation and when you are being underestimated.
Most importantly, I learned that true career satisfaction comes from a combination of internal confidence and external respect. It’s about knowing your worth while making sure you’re in an environment that at least fundamentally recognizes your worth as well.
Now, when I find myself falling into old patterns—checking for signs of appreciation or feeling dissatisfied with unrecognized efforts—I stop and ask two questions: “I’m doing this because it’s important to me. Or is it for recognition? And equally important: “Is this a reasonable expectation for my time and energy? “
Some days are still challenging. Sometimes I still wish for more recognition. But I found peace because I knew that while I didn’t need constant validation, it was okay to expect basic respect and appreciation in my career. The key is to build enough self-worth to know when you’re seeking undue recognition and when you’re just asking for the right amount of attention.
This morning I walked into my workplace with a different energy. I am confident in my worth, aware of my boundaries, and convinced that while I don’t need endless praise, I deserve to be in an environment that recognizes my contributions. Because true career growth is not about learning to accept less than you deserve, but about finding the optimal balance between inner validation and healthy outer recognition.
About Kalyani Abhiyankar
Kalyani Abhyankar is a law professor and mindset coach specializing in administrative law and consumer protection. She is passionate about helping others develop limitless mindsets and personal growth through her work at LinkedIn and beyond.
