Do I need to forgive my abuse mother to let go?
When I started to recover from the pain of my childhood, I found that I was trying to solve this problem. Most of my childhood, I could not visit a consistent adult who cherishes me. As a result, I believe that I have no value and live my own life based on this belief.
By denying my needs, meeting the needs of everyone else, and. I have a relationship with those who have benefited from those who try to benefit from my low self -worth. My physical and mental health suffered pain. I felt trapped in a cage I did not built when I was a kid, but I lived in adulthood.
My childhood trauma has had a negative impact on my life for more than 30 years. I urgently need to find out what it helps me. Therefore, many people praise forgiveness as a moral advantage. They all encouraged me to forgive my mother.
Do you need forgiveness to recover from trauma? I turned to expert-therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist and doctor-find the answer. Their answer? mix.
A therapist told me: “If you can forgive, you should. Forgiveness is the key to cure.”
A psychologist acknowledged: “I have seen those forgive customers and those who are not without. Honestly, I have not noticed that the results are different.”
The doctor insisted: “Everyone needs to forgive. Holding resentment will damage your physical and mental health.”
The psychiatrist provides a more subtle point: “This depends entirely on your needs. If the forgiveness has proven to be cured, then we will generally recommend it.”
Lack of consensus is frustrated. I long for moving forward, let go of the past, do I need to know-forgive answers? In the next three years, I studied this issue in depth and interviewed clinicians, scholars, religious leaders and trauma survivors.
This is what I discovered: forgiveness is not an appropriate solution, nor is it that you should feel stress or obliged to do. In fact, if you are forced to tolerate, it does not work at all.
The power of election forgiveness
What I know is that forgiveness can be unbelievable, but only when it is optional, not when it is required. Selective forgiveness is to allow yourself to decide what is best for you. This means that you can forgive, do not forgive, and even find that forgiveness occurs naturally with the passage of time, and unintentional forgiveness.
For me, elective forgiveness has become a way to control my rehabilitation. I no longer worry about me should Forgiveness, but focusing on what I need to feel safe, deal with my emotions and move forward. This method was liberated from my shoulder to forced forgiveness, so that I can free up all the real room for me in the rehabilitation.
How to embrace the election forgiveness
If you want to know how to help you let go, there are some steps that are useful to me here:
1. Prefer your safety.
For many years, I have been in contact with my mother, and I have been unsafe. In order to protect myself, I chose to establish the boundary, including the five -year alienation, and both of us are engaged in treatment. Only when I feel safe, I consider connecting again. Even then, forgiveness is on the table until I am ready.
To evaluate your safety, I would like to ask yourself:
- Do I give priority to considering the safety needs of forgiveness?
- Do I know forgiveness is different from reconciliation? (You can forgive and do not need to reconcile, and vice versa.)
- What boundaries do I need to feel safe and how do I convey them to me?
2. Welcome to not tolerant.
Once, I questioned what I could not forgive mes’ signs of failure. But I finally realized that it is not a “stage” that I don’t have to pass, which is an effective and necessary part of my recovery.
Not tolerant can be a place where rest, reflect and handle emotions. It does not have to bring forgiveness-it can be the end of the journey or just part. The key is to make yourself a place without judgment.
3. Make yourself angry.
For a long time, I suppressed my anger because I was taught as a “bad” emotion. But whether I recognize my anger will only cause me to be in trouble. Once I allow myself to feel this feeling, my anger began to become sad, and eventually became a kind of peace.
This is the way you can be angry:
- Write a letter to those who hurt you to express your anger. (You don’t need to send.)
- Please note that anger appears in your body. Is it in your chest, your belly, fist? What happened when you noticed the feeling of anger?
- Move your body in a way to match anger-leaning on the pillow, step on your feet or run. Ask your body: “What do you want to do with this anger?”
4. Believe this process.
When I heard the therapist say, “Believe this process”, I would be angry. I want to believe the result! But recovery cannot work properly. Selective forgiveness is not to obtain specific results, but to let yourself explore, feel and grow, without having to know where you will arrive.
For me, I believe that this process means accepting my mother who will never forgive me. If I need it, I may also forgive her. I let go of anger and found some sympathy for her, but I don’t love her, I don’t want her to be in my life. Is that forgiveness? Maybe, maybe not.
The more important question is: Do I need to forgive to let go? For me, the answer is negative. I have no forgiveness. Do you need to give up the past?
Find what is useful for you
Your rehabilitation journey is your own, no one can tell you what you need to do. No experience or method is suitable for everyone. Forgiveness may be part of your process, or it may not be. The most important thing is that you respect your needs, boundaries and emotions. Letting go is not to follow the roadmap of others, but to create your own roadmap.
