“It’s important for people to know that no matter what happened in the past, they can overcome their darkness and move toward a brighter world.” ~Dave Pelzer, A child named “it”
I grew up in the shadow of a pathologically narcissistic father. From an early age, my role in my family was that of the scapegoat, a role that poisoned my entire childhood. I lived in a constant state of fear, shame, and self-doubt, always trying to please my father and win his love and approval.
But as I grew older and began to understand the true nature of my father’s behavior, I realized that his love was never something I could earn or deserve. This is simply not within my control. So I made a conscious decision to free myself from the burden of trying to gain His love.
It’s not easy to escape this childhood trauma. It takes time, and even though I’m now in middle age, there are still days when I feel the weight of my past weighing on my shoulders. But as I began peeling back the layers of hurt and pain, I also discovered a new sense of freedom and self-acceptance.
By acknowledging my past experiences and the impact they had on my life, I was able to take control and make positive changes. I learned to use my voice, set boundaries, and prioritize my own well-being. In doing so, I discovered that the more I freed myself from the constraints of my childhood trauma, the more strength and hope I gained.
Letting go of childhood trauma does not mean forgetting or denying what happened. This means accepting it, learning from it, and using it as fuel for growth and healing. It also means embracing vulnerability and allowing ourselves to feel and process our emotions.
The dysfunction of narcissistic families
Among the characters in my family, each of us played a specific role in my father’s drama, almost like we were following a script.
My father, the Puppet Master, was the classic narcissist, constantly seeking admiration but lacking empathy for others, making family life a permanent show.
My mother played the role of enabler, softening and justifying my father’s behavior, her support acting like the oil that kept his narcissistic machine running smoothly.
My brother, the golden boy, lived in the light of his father’s approval, unknowingly being molded into a younger version of the man who destroyed him.
Then there was me, the scapegoat, who took on all of my father’s expected anger and shame, often being punished for things I didn’t even do.
Understanding these characters has been a painful yet enlightening part of my journey. This insight was a bittersweet liberation, lifting some of the burdens I had carried for so long—with every step of awareness, I was creating a new life narrative that was not based on trauma, but It is based on hope and self.
The importance of letting go
For a long time, I held on to my past, believing that the pain I refused to let go of was somehow integral to my identity. However, the power I give these memories only helps them take root in the present.
It took me finally having a complete mental breakdown to escape this state of mind, which ironically was triggered by an act of utter altruism by my oldest and closest friend. She raised a little girl and when I met her I was transported back to my own childhood and all the pain and fear it brought.
It was like opening Pandora’s box, but instead of the evil in the world flying out, it pulled me in and closed the lid behind me.
But it was in this dark place that I finally found the strength to let go. I couldn’t continue living a life where the past weighed so heavily on the present. I was no longer a child bound by my father’s whims and expectations. I have the power to escape the cycle of trauma—but it requires me to release the past.
Healing process through release and forgiveness
Healing my childhood trauma was not just about closing the door on my past experiences, but about understanding and empathizing with the self that had to endure those experiences.
I learned that forgiveness is not about absolving another person from responsibility. It’s about forgiving yourself for everything you’ve done to cope with the pain.
Through therapy and self-reflection, I slowly released the anger and hurt that had consumed me for so long. When I do this, I am able to replace it with a sense of peace and self-acceptance. It is an ongoing process, but it has brought tremendous healing and growth to my life.
Practical tips for letting go
Everyone’s path to release is different, and there is no right way to escape childhood trauma. However, as many trauma survivors seek freedom from their past, there are some common threads that tie their experiences together.
Treatment and counseling options
Seeking professional help was a critical step in my personal growth. It took me a while to find the right therapist—someone with whom I could feel comfortable discussing my most painful memories. But when I did, the game changed.
Therapy gave me the tools to process my emotions and memories in healthy ways, allowing me to gradually break free of their hold on me. It also provides me with a safe space to explore and understand dysfunctional dynamics within families.
I had to face the fact that some of the behaviors I performed as a child as a means of survival no longer served me. With the help of a therapist, I was able to challenge these beliefs and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
For example, when I was a child, I learned to outdo others, trying to prove that I was more than what my father insisted I was. Therapy helped me understand that I don’t need accomplishments to prove my worth. Now, no matter what I achieve, I practice embracing my imperfections and loving myself.
self-care practices
Taking care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally was also crucial in my recovery journey. This includes regular exercise, eating healthily, getting enough rest, and setting healthy boundaries with others.
But self-care also means allowing yourself to feel and process your emotions without judgment or shame. This means practicing self-compassion and being gentle with myself as I work through trauma.
Journaling and Creative Pipelines
The diary became my confidant. The act of writing was my emotional release valve, allowing my inner turmoil to take shape on paper. I also started a blog which helped me connect with many people who were going through similar experiences. For the first time, I no longer felt alone.
gift of thanksgiving
I’ve come a long way now. I no longer see myself as a victim, a wounded person constantly trying to convince others and myself that I am worthy of love. My birth family did not raise me, but somehow, along the way, I met people who were not biologically related to me and who reached out and helped pull me out of the hole I was almost buried in.
These people finally gave me the validation and care I had always craved, and I learned that family is more than just a biological fact. It is a spiritual and emotional bond that is chosen and nurtured.
I learned that healing is best done not in isolation but within community. Reflecting on the love and support they gave me, I feel a deep sense of gratitude that fills me with hope and provides strength for my journey.
in conclusion
If you stand where I once stood, weighed down by the chains of the past, I offer you a simple truth: Release is not an end, but a beginning. It’s a step into the unknown, and the freedom to redefine yourself lies in having the courage to break away from the familiar, even if it’s painful.
I encourage you, fellow survivors, to take the step to release and heal, and discover the world that awaits beyond trauma. This is a world with endless potential, a colorful life. The past is not a prison, but a whisper. You hold the pen and write your own story.
**Image generated by AI
