“Beauty doesn’t come from a perfect body. It comes from the light in our eyes, the sparkle in our hearts, and the love we exude when we are comfortable enough in our skin to focus less on our appearance and more on our appearance The light. ~ Lori Deschene.
Browsing through the various filters available, I watched my face transform from mine to someone else’s – into someone with better skin and bigger eyes… Oh look, I think this makes my face look slimmer.hello cheekbones!
As someone who hates having her picture taken and completely believes she looks terrible in her photos, I suddenly discovered a simple solution to making her look beautiful on camera.
When I first started building my business online in 2020, Instagram Reels had just launched. As a business owner, logging your content is an absolute must, and filters are just one part of it. Harmless fun designed to inspire and create.
However, as someone who has worn the “introvert” badge my whole life, and who at the time had more insecurities than I care to admit, the discomfort I felt in these films was more than painful.
As a child who grew up in a highly unstable environment, without ever hearing the words “I love you” or feeling like I belonged in any way, I unsurprisingly grew up to be an insecure person. Young women begin to rely on appearance for approval. I must have repeated this pattern from my own mother, who was never seen looking anything wrong.
Furthermore, a series of events during a chaotic childhood left me with severe abandonment trauma, and I have struggled deeply with “not enough” for as long as I can remember.
Although I had been healing myself for years through the teachings of amazing women like Louise Hay and Brené Brown, appearing online was about to open wounds I thought had long been healed.
In my early twenties I used makeup as a mask, refusing to leave the house without the war paint applied perfectly and never under any circumstances taking it off in front of anyone. I was completely convinced that I was unlovable, and in my desire to look perfect for approval, I inadvertently created a reality in which I had to look a certain way all the time.
too tired.
After years of trying to develop a deeper connection with myself and trying to separate my self-worth from my appearance, my relationship with makeup has since become a much healthier one.
I now see my body as a temple, decorated however I want because I desire it, not because I feel I must accept or validate it. Wearing makeup has now become a creative ritual that brings me joy and is an extension of my personality, creativity and individuality.
I felt as though I had reached a healthy turning point in this chapter of my life—until I started creating content.
As a mom and stepmom to a family of five, in my early thirties, I felt intimidated when I entered an online world where everyone seemed to be a perfect 22-year-old Yoga instructor, dancing “how to” teaching.
There’s absolutely no way I’m dancing, but using filters? I can do it.
I carefully selected one that wouldn’t dramatically change my appearance, but would undeniably make me look younger, with the same clear, smooth skin as the aforementioned twenty-two-year-old. Then, for three years I used the exact same filter on every photo and video. Over and over again until I no longer just used it for online purposes; I make this a standard practice in my daily life.
It wasn’t until years later that I realized there was something rather sinister at work in my subconscious.
Initially, I tried to convince myself that filters were actually digital makeup designed to enhance a video the same way a photographer takes a photo. But everything started to feel different, yet so familiar.
It felt like I was hiding.
I first discovered that filter use was clearly affecting my health when I refused to take photos without filters.
Hongqi No.1
One summer, after I attended a music festival as a speaker and met some people I met online, more discomfort began to plague me. It’s just that I feel embarrassed that I didn’t fully recognize them. I found myself searching their faces for something familiar, almost cartoon-like, and when I saw them approaching from across the room, I squinted my eyes and tilted my head slightly to one side.
I realized they didn’t look much like themselves, at least the version of them I was used to seeing online. Soon, I felt a sense of tension as I pondered the question: “What if I don’t look like myself?!”
Danger Signal No. 2
While the obvious solution here was to stop using the filter, I felt like I was trapped in a web of my own making, and old insecurities and fears of not being good enough began to creep in. My feelings combined.
How do I align these actions with my deepest values? How do I record a video that encourages women to believe in themselves when I’m constantly afraid of hitting “record” without a filter?
This hypocrisy is not lost on me. I knew in my heart that it was only a matter of time before my values had to trump my vanity and I had to change my approach and express myself in an unfiltered way.
Danger Signal No. 3
This is my final red flag—values inconsistency.
As my thirty-seventh birthday approached, the little voice inside that said “it’s time” grew louder and louder, and I gave myself the greatest gift I could have given myself.
The gift of true self-acceptance. This gift allows me to express my truest self online.
This gift finally healed old perfection wounds and completely separated my self-worth from my appearance.
A gift that comes without a filter.
To some, this may seem trivial. But for me, this girl who has struggled with insecurities for as long as she can remember, this girl who wears these filters as a mask and seeks validation, this was a huge break, a big tick in the box Check mark “Be yourself.”
One step closer to me and one step closer to my own core values.
I expected to feel a little awkward for a while, maybe a little vulnerable in the beginning. But I was totally unprepared for this new wave of confidence, self-love, and self-acceptance.
I feel liberated.
Like unlocking a level in a video game, I felt like my life had reached a whole new level. I started to wonder why ditching the filter would be a problem. Then one day, I asked myself a question that is probably one of the most important questions I have ever asked myself:
Where else in my life do I wear a filter?
Where else in my life can I hold on to the truest version of myself out of fear of judgment, rejection, or even ridicule?
Where else in my life can I hide?
There is tremendous power in the questions we ask as we seek the answers within.
For me personally, these questions have led to a surge in my personal growth and self-acceptance, as well as an overall sense of happiness and well-being. For every question, its answer brings me closer to a version of myself, and as time goes by, I feel more and more like myself. From the clothes I wear, to the way I present myself and others, to the energy I bring and my newfound freedom to create from within.
It is also a beautiful reminder that the journey of healing is a journey. Not the destination. So I will continue to ask myself these questions. I will strive to be curious and compassionate, not only in pursuit of my most authentic self, but also to honor the practice of self-acceptance along the way.
About Haley Scott Summers
Hayley Scott Summers is the owner of The Chubby Frog Restaurant, a mindset and empowerment coach, and the podcast host of Mindset, Mess & Magic. She grew up in Devon and Wales and now lives in a quiet Cambridgeshire village with her partner, their beautiful mixed-breed family and a scrappy poodle named Rocco. Connect with Hayley on Instagram and hayleyscottsummers.com.
