“You are not your feelings. You just experience them. Anger, sadness, hatred, melancholy, fear. This is the rain you walk through. You know the rain will pass. You keep walking. You remember the soft sunshine that will come again. ~Matt Haig
I have been anxious for as long as I can remember.
All of my earliest memories are memories of me being worried or scared for one reason or another.
Looking back, one of my first memories that resembles a true anxiety disorder, meaning anxiety interfered with my daily life, was when I was in first grade and I just refused to use a computer in the computer lab at school because I Afraid of destroying them. It’s not just a fear of breaking it; This was a complete rabbit hole and my thinking failed me because of it.
I’m worried that if I use the computer, then it’ll break, and then the teacher will scold me, and then I’ll get suspended, and then I’ll get in trouble with my parents, and then they’ll fight, and then they’ll break up, and that’s My mistake. This isn’t even the end of the cycle! There are other twists and turns that lead to other irrational potential consequences.
I never thought about talking to anyone about my worries because I thought it was normal and all my classmates felt the same way.
I have always been a quiet, introverted person. The people around me never let me forget it either. Even in high school classes, attention would be focused on me and why I wasn’t talking and laughing with the other kids during group work. Class demonstration? Forget about it.
I always got failing grades on these assignments.
I finally saw a psychiatrist when I was sixteen because I finally opened up to my mother about my problems. Medications have changed a lot over the years because sometimes I get nasty side effects from them or they don’t work at all.
To be honest, I was never entirely sure if they worked. When I expressed this concern to my psychiatrist, she told me point blank that given my medical history, trauma, and personality, my anxiety would likely persist throughout my life. I immediately went into denial mode.
She did, however, connect me with a therapist who worked in an outpatient clinic and I met with him a few times. Since it was only a short-term thing, we didn’t delve into my problem, but he gave me tools that really helped. Although I have struggled to implement them on and off over the years, I do believe they carry weight.
All the brief and very rare periods of relative peace in my life have been achieved by remembering these two things.
The only way to defeat anxiety is to accept it and face it. If there’s one thing my therapist made sure to stick with me, it’s to never run away from it. In fact, he deliberately encouraged me to invite. I was too immature to understand at the time. This sounds like a terrible idea. Why do I purposely feel this way?
If you end up avoiding the thing or situation that triggers your anxiety, it will intensify over time and become more difficult to control.
I remember leaving that appointment feeling like there was some kind of parasite living in my mind. A parasite that feeds on fear. If I’m not careful, it will grow into a huge monster and swallow me whole!
Fast forward a few years, when I had more life experience, some work, some education that needed to be done, and a real opportunity to face my anxieties…I started to understand what he was talking about.
Today, I have fully admitted that I am an anxious person. I fully admit that I will always be a bit conservative and cautious, and live with a tendency to overthink things.
For example, just last week at work, my manager got a call that I immediately assumed was about me. My thoughts led me down that all too familiar rabbit hole. Instantly, thoughts started flooding into my mind.
Here’s the thing: They’ve made their final decision. I was a terrible employee and was about to be fired. I will no longer have an income and I will lose my apartment. Next, my girlfriend will break up with me, and then I will die alone on the street, and no one will remember me.
Of course, there were other scenarios and strange consequences that came to mind. I liken the experience to some twisted “choose your own adventure” story.
In fact, the call had nothing to do with me and the rest of my day went on as normal. I’m not dead. The world did not explode. I haven’t lost my mind. And I wasn’t screamed at.
That’s just anxiety talk, and I accept that.
I know now that it doesn’t hurt me or make me a bad person. I know I can be successful in anything I pursue in life. I just had to work a little harder than some people to overcome my own worst enemy…my mind.
As my therapist explained years ago, accepting my anxiety has strangely taken away its power. It no longer has the power over me that it once did. That’s it. It never goes away, so why fight it? I have hit rock bottom multiple times due to my anxiety, will it kill me? No, I survived and got back up and kept going.
The best mindset I’ve adopted for myself is that my thoughts don’t define me at all. Clean and neat. I know I’m going to feel anxious whether I do it or not, and I know I’m going to feel anxious whether I don’t do it, so, what the heck, I’ll do it anyway.
That’s the key! Despite that horrible, gut-wrenching feeling of fear and insecurity, you are still in control. You have the ability to act contrary to how you feel.
Easier said than done, trust me. But whatever you’re afraid of facing, don’t put it off any longer. just do it. This is the only way you will finally realize that everything is going to be okay.
Sure, you may still feel anxious, but it’s definitely slowly losing control of you.
I forget where I read it, but I saw a quote where someone said anxiety is a disease of missed opportunities, and I’ve never related to anything else in my life.
I missed out on countless opportunities in my life, some potentially lifelong memories, and I will forever regret missing them.
Life is short. It’s too beautiful to avoid. I don’t want to miss it again. From now on, I choose to fight my anxiety by welcoming it with open arms.
About Tyler Bolian
Taylor is a writer from Ontario, Canada. He is passionate about personal development, spiritual growth, mental health awareness and disability awareness. When he’s not writing, he enjoys spending time with his long-term partner and family.
