“Perfectionism is the exhausting state of always pretending to know it all and have it all. I’d rather be a happy mess than an anxious stress sufferer who’s always trying to hide his flaws and mistakes. ~ Lori Deschene
When I started working as a math teacher, it was 2012, and I hadn’t been in a classroom for over ten years. I’m really not sure how teaching is done.
I went into my first class with a piece of paper and many examples to share. I stood up and started writing examples on the blackboard for my students. When I looked at the blackboard after class, I found that my handwriting was very sloppy. Looks like it was written by a third grader.
I also noticed that a lot of students were laughing during class, so in an effort to find the cause of the laughter, I started looking to other teachers to see if I could come up with any ideas to improve my classes.
What struck me was that almost every teacher in the school was using some kind of multimedia display and I was just writing with markers. So, at that moment, I decided to make a change and create a course all about multimedia.
I put a fair amount of time and effort into typing out examples before class so that I didn’t have to show everyone my messy handwriting. I take great pride in the clarity and legibility of my multimedia presentations.
Three years passed and I found a new job. About a month has passed and I’m sure I’ve left a lasting impression on everyone with my wonderful multimedia course. But one day, my manager brought me in and said that my students and their families agreed that I should handwrite my examples.
After hearing this, my heart sank. In my mind, I am “tech savvy” and in control when I teach. With this new assignment, I will be a low-tech teacher who writes like a third grader with hands covered in black marker ink.
I didn’t sleep very well during this time. I also spent time searching online to see if there were other non-teaching jobs that I would be suitable for. I keep thinking about that blank slate in 2012.
When I began making the required modifications to my teaching, not only did I feel uncomfortable, but I did not believe that my students would want to learn from someone whose handwriting was so sloppy. Over time, I began to realize that writing calculations by hand made me more nervous than just showing them. I often make mistakes and then have to clean them up and correct them.
A few weeks later, I had a lightbulb moment inside me. If I, an experienced, degreed teacher, get nervous and make a mistake while teaching, what are the chances that my students will make the same mistake?
I decided to change my teaching tone and not only handwrite examples but also explain my thought process. I can tell students exactly where they might be making mistakes in their work. Because I’m problem solving and making myself vulnerable, just like my students expect, we all have more common connections.
My overall confidence as a coach has gone up. As a teacher, I became more authoritative. I am not only a reader of this class; I am a reader of this class. I am the author. Students no longer ask how our books define concepts; They asked me directly how I defined them.
Today, nearly twelve years later, I still write my examples longhand in the room with my students. At the end of a recent class, I looked at the blackboard. My handwriting is still rather sloppy, but I no longer pay attention to it. Instead, I saw effort, thought, expertise, and a willingness to put themselves in the students’ shoes.
At the beginning of my teaching career, I was so obsessed with one of my flaws that I went to great lengths to try to cover it up. This, in turn, caused me to overlook many other great qualities.
How many relationships and marriages end because the only thing we see on our partner’s body is their “scrawl”? How much depression is there in the world because when we think about ourselves, the only things we see are some bad traits?
In fact, if we took the time to make a list of our pros, we might find that they far outweigh the cons. We often fail to see these qualities because we tend to focus only on our negative qualities and mistakes. We think that’s all we have. We want to destroy our bad traits, just like I almost destroyed my teaching career by giving up teaching.
I recommend getting a small piece of paper and writing down all of your strengths and the good things you have done. Carry this piece of paper with you at all times. Spend a full day reading this list and adding to it. Whenever you think about or worry about a negative trait about yourself, make a list. You’ll soon find that the truth is easier to see.
Our list of bad qualities is short. Our list of good qualities is long. With some practice, we can learn to recognize when to focus solely on the shortlist. We can then shift focus to the long list. When we gain a true and appropriately balanced understanding of our lives, life goes more smoothly.
When we’re not focused on or worried about the bad qualities on our shortlist, we’re free to reinvent them for our own purposes.
Once, I was working with a group of students and one student was picking on another student’s handwriting. I ran over to stop this potential bullying. I observed his handwriting and found that this student’s handwriting was indeed very poor. Without thinking, I said, “Well, doctors are famous for their handwriting, so that’s really a sign of intelligence.”
The student greatly appreciated my insight. And I looked at him and said, “Look, we all have something in common. We write like doctors.
It’s quite possible to move some of the things from our bad qualities list to our good qualities list. Sometimes we just need to look at things differently.
About Wayne Simmons
Wayne is a licensed teacher who has spent 15 years traveling the world. After transforming his own life by studying Buddhist principles, he turned to supporting and helping others struggling with anxiety, depression, and burnout at work. For daily inspiration, follow him at x.com/dhammagia.
