“If you accept a limiting belief, it becomes your truth.” ~ Louise Hay
When I first started my business, I put all my hope and energy into it, working, learning, perfecting, and investing tirelessly. I knew from an early age that I wanted to do my own thing. Something that means something to me. But despite my best efforts, the success, support, and stability I craved always felt just out of reach.
I chalked it up to timing, or not doing enough, or missing something that someone else had but I couldn’t point to. But all along, behind the stagnation was a force I had never considered—conditioned reflexes.
Conditioning is the behaviors and beliefs we learn as children in order to feel safe, loved, and accepted. These patterns become so ingrained that we don’t realize they follow us into adulthood. But they do shape how we approach everything, including our ambitions and relationships.
My own journey of deconditioning has spanned years and, oh my god, layers and layers…but the most intensive and damaging of them all is this: I was raised to believe that it was unsafe to be misunderstood.
My childhood experience taught me that expressing yourself honestly or confidently can come at a huge cost, and I’ve carried that lesson into my life and career (like no one’s business) without even realizing it.
When I started sharing my work with the world, I felt an urgent urge to prove myself and my approach exhaustively. I couldn’t shake the image of a hostile audience judging every word I wrote or said, so instead of focusing on how my work solved problems for potential clients, I got stuck in an endless cycle of over-explaining, justifying, justifying. And defend my ideas before anyone questions them.
I am not promoting my work, but presenting a case in the courtroom of my own projection. This is the worst. It drained my energy, destroyed my business, and made me feel like I was performing like a rerun of a past I thought I no longer fit into.
It took a lot of work to understand this and other aspects of my adjustment that were different from my and past coping mechanisms. My unique path included walking away from toxic family dynamics, moving from Brooklyn to a very peaceful corner of Italy, quit drinking and smoking, and hiring a coach who understood where I was coming from, where I wanted to go, and could work with me Deep communication I know is needed.
I think it’s unfair to release aspects of our limitations (no matter how limiting they are) when our lives and relationships feel unsafe, and it takes building safety, persuasion, and self-confidence to begin to see everything Ways of coping that kept me from growing.
The first step in breaking free of anxiety’s over-interpretation patterns is to notice how it feels in my body. I would experience heightened anxiety and then survival mode would take over whenever I tried to communicate directly about my work.
On more than one occasion, if too much truth, confidence, or perspective emerged, my jaw would lock, my head would become foggy, and my throat would collapse.
This isn’t a personal quirk; It is an echo of the past, manifesting itself in the present.
Inner child work is the antidote to this problem – when these feelings come over me and the urge to shut down or over-explain arises, I imagine my little self sitting on my lap and I hold her through the fear , reminding her that what she was feeling was the past, not the present. She is not alone and will never be alone again. Then I would lean in and say it.
When I sat with these feelings, acknowledging them instead of letting them guide my actions, something changed. I’m re-tending the vulnerable part of me that once believed it was dangerous to be seen and heard, and showing her that we can cross those fearful thresholds together. So we have more and more stuff every day.
By letting go of the need to protect myself, I found that my skin felt clearer and more secure than when I only had a reflex to protect myself.
When it comes to my work and business, I can focus on what really matters: serving my clients and making my work clear and understandable, not to internal critics but to people, those Someone who truly seeks change.
The impact was immediate. Communication with clients has become smoother, and even tasks I once dreaded (like answering sales calls) feel natural, grounded, and friendly. It opens the door to a new kind of productivity, one driven by purpose rather than headless chicken survival. Thank the heavens. real.
If you’re finding it hard to make things happen the way you envisioned, it’s probably not about trying harder or finding the perfect moment. It may be that unseen regulatory patterns are guiding your behavior just as they guide mine.
The beauty of recognizing these patterns is the freedom of openness.
When you let go of outdated beliefs, create space, and move forward from a grounded, present, and aware place, ambitions start to feel within reach, because the truth is, they really are within reach.
When we stop fighting these invisible obstacles, things that feel impossible, out of reach, or consistent become less effortful and more achievable.
This is not always easy work, it requires a commitment to challenging familiar beliefs, seeking support, and sometimes making some big changes. But if you’re willing to face the hidden patterns, you might find that what you want is closer than it once seemed.
About Mel Wilder
Melanie is a coach who works to dismantle the hidden conditions that keep women in trouble, helping them build businesses that thrive as successfully as they succeed. After decades of personal and professional exploration, she has developed a transformative approach that applies the principles of personal healing and self-discovery to the entrepreneurial journey. Please visit her at thebodycure.net.
