“In a world that can be anything, stay friendly.” ~ Unknown
“Girls are mean!” I nodded intentionally as my boss struggled to explain the difference between raising a boy and a girl. I can’t talk to the raising boy, but I really remember how my daughter felt when she grew up.
The girls travel in packing and always take the helm with a leader. Almost every week, a smaller member is eliminated and excluded by the group. Usually, this is one of my daughters. I clearly remembered their heartbroken-the deep sorrow that only a child can feel when he subverts the world.
Then, like suddenly being exiled, the social wind will change. They will be welcomed, all smiles and laughter, as if the pain of rejection has never happened. Just like that, it was another poor girl’s turn to bear the brunt. My daughters are now back safely and he does not hesitate to continue playing, causing the same pain they have endured lately – all to stay in the good grace of the leader.
It’s easy to think of it as a “girl drama”, but is that true? I find myself wondering: is it a mean person, or is it connected to us? Strangely, my horse helped me answer this question.
From Wanderer to Performer
A few years ago, I moved her to a new home where she had to blend into a strange herd of cattle. Top mares didn’t waste time clearly – she didn’t like my mares. For two weeks, every time I arrived, I found her standing alone in the suburbs, eager to stare at the hay she didn’t allow. Every time, she would run towards me and silently beg for help.
It reminds me of a lot of daughters. It hurt my heart.
But what changed afterwards. She slowly won her position. She proposed to top mare. They become inseparable – best friends. Soon, it was my mare beginning, claiming her own dominance.
Watching my mare transition from wanderer to executor made me uneasy. I realized-this is not cruel. This is instinct. The self-evident rules of survival. And the more I think about it, the more I see the same rules in my life.
Of course, we may not bite people or chase each other from hay, but we have our own ways to control social hierarchies. whisper. Internal jokes are costing others. Who is included, who does not include whom.
Is there any difference between me? Have I also learned to play the game – wear, adapt and exclude, not out of cruelty and not out of the same depth, instinctive belonging to the attributes of belonging?
Are we mean girls?
I really don’t remember “despicable girls” when I was in school. But looking back…this might mean I am one.
I never thought I was particularly cruel, but I do remember the moments that made me cringe now. Especially one stands out.
There is a girl in my class – she is called Claire. She is smart and talented and has attended lectures and drama classes. One day, in a rare moment of fragility, she opens up to us. She admitted that when she was a child, her parents sent her to these classes because she had a speech barrier. She has been trying to overcome it, and in that moment she trusts us with her own story.
How do we respond?
We laughed. Worse, we turned it into a joke. Every time she’s in my ears, we start singing “Speaking is not easy.” It was originally fun, just harmless teasing. At least, that’s what I told myself at the time. But now, I’m afraid of memory.
She was brave enough to share the real thing, not respect that courage, but to use it against her.
At that time, I didn’t think I was mean. I’m not the leader, I’m just kidding. But will this really make it better? Looking back, I realized that staying silent or worse, laughing – making you part of the problem too.
If anyone I go to school happens to read this post, especially Claire – Sorry.
Will we grow up from it?
I want to believe that this behavior is just a stage- as we learn to control our basic instincts, we mature as compassion deepens, and grow as we mature. After all, children may be cruel, but their brains are not fully developed yet. They take impulsive actions, driven more by belonging than the desire to truly hurt anyone.
Then, adulthood must bring wisdom. Of course, we learn to be better.
Sadly, this is not always the case.
We like to think that we have grown beyond the campus group, but the truth is, mean people become more subtle. It’s not an exclusion on the playground, it’s an office gossip. It doesn’t make a total joke, but a backhanded compliment and a whisper of judgment. The tactics have changed, but the instinct still exists.
How to break the cycle and choose kindness
The instinct of excluding, judging, or tearing up others may be integrated into us, but unlike my mare, we have something powerful: Awareness and choice. We don’t have to follow our intuitions – we can go beyond them. This is the method.
1. Identify patterns.
The first step to change is awareness. Despicable doesn’t always seem like a total bullying act – it can be as subtle as being successful for someone, keeping silent when excluded from friends. Start paying attention to judgment, gossip or exclude moments of spread. Ask yourself:
- Why do I do this?
- What did I gain?
- How would I feel if I was on the receiving end?
2. Challenge the scarcity mentality.
Much of the meaning of our instinct comes from a deep belief that success, beauty or belonging is limited – if another woman shines, it will darken our light. But this is not true at all. have Enough Success, happiness and love. Lifting others doesn’t keep you away from you, it will enhance everyone.
3. Replace gossip with encouragement.
Gossip is a social bond tool that we feel connected. But there are better ways. The next time you want to tear someone down in a conversation, flip the script.
Instead:
“Did you see the clothes she was wearing?”
explain:
“I like how confident she is in wearing that!”
Compliments (especially when freely given without expectations) are a way to transfer energy in a room.
4. Develop the habit of kindness.
Kindness is not just a big gesture, but a small choice every day.
- Smile at a stranger.
- Invite quiet colleagues for lunch.
- Defend behind the person being talked about.
- Support your friend’s success without comparison.
The more you practice, the more natural it becomes.
5. Teach the next generation.
If you have children, especially daughters, talk to them about social dynamics. Share your own experience. Show them what a healthy friendship looks like.
When they go home, because they are left out, or because they are abandoned, and they reject others, they navigate these feelings with compassion and self-awareness.
6. It’s the person who makes room on the table.
In every social group, workplace or community, there are people in the suburbs, like my once mare. You have the ability to invite them to join. Inclusion is an option. So the next time you see someone being excluded, it’s the one who makes room for them.
Final reflection: Who do you want to be?
Every day, we have choices. Not only in grand dramatic moments, but also in quiet ordinary moments.
Select Include.
Selected choice.
Choose a better option.
So today, ask yourself: Who needs a seat at your desk? Will you make room?
About Samantha Carolan
Sam Carolan is a personal development blogger, and EFT coaches are passionate about helping women embrace the beauty and challenges of middle age. Through her work in Love Middle Age, she provides insights, tools and inspiration to drive the transitions of life with elegance and resilience. Sam loves reading, riding and yoga when she doesn’t write or coach.
