“Resentment is like drinking poison and wishing the other person would die.” ~ St. Augustine
For years, I unknowingly poisoned myself in almost every relationship—romantic, work, or friendship. It always followed the same pattern: I would form a deep attachment, invest myself in the relationship, and keep giving in the hope that if I gave enough, they would appreciate and value me.
But instead, it felt like they just took and took, leaving me smiling on the outside but filled with anger and frustration on the inside.
I’ve been running – can’t they see? Can’t they see how hard I work? Over time, I would feel burned out.
Each time, I add someone in my mind that I can’t trust. With each disappointment, I trusted fewer and fewer people.
To protect myself, I started building walls and convincing myself that I didn’t need anyone. I told myself I was fine on my own. I was always the first to step in and help a family member or friend, but I would not allow them to help me. I refuse to be vulnerable because, to me, being vulnerable means running the risk of rejection. I believed I could do it all on my own – at least that’s what I told myself.
When COVID-19 hit, isolation was no longer an option—it was forced upon me. Suddenly I was alone and had no one to turn to because I had pushed everyone away. That’s when I realized resentment had poisoned my life.
I was fed up with the heavy burden it was placing on my life and decided to face it head on. I allowed myself to fully feel the resentment and let it wash over me like a wave. It’s not easy – falling into these emotions is painful, raw, and uncomfortable.
But at that moment, I realized that I wasn’t just angry at a few people—I was resentful of almost everyone in my life, even my own mother! This pain poisoned me for years and it was clear that it was poisoning not only my relationships but my peace as well.
That’s when I decided I wasn’t going to drink poison anymore. I realized I was giving too much power to others—control over my emotions, my happiness, even my health. But I don’t have to. I don’t need to wait for anyone to apologize or change; I take responsibility for my own recovery and I will no longer let other people’s actions control my life.
Self-actualization: The first step to letting go
Self-actualization was the first and perhaps most difficult step in confronting my resentment. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t running from pain, but leaning into it.
I started using EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) to uncover the layers of emotions I had buried for years. By hitting specific points, I am able to release trapped feelings and bring clarity to the surface. Each stroke felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest, but it was also extremely uncomfortable.
I had to face memories that I had long avoided and acknowledge emotions that I had hidden away for so long.
What shocked me most was the realization that I had never given anyone a chance to correct the mistakes I thought they had made. I thought people knew I was depressed, and when they didn’t magically realize it, I silently resented them.
It sounds ridiculous now – how could I expect people to read my mind? Yet for years, that’s exactly what I did.
So, I started to reconstruct the narrative. Instead of focusing on how others let me down, I asked myself: What could I have done differently in these situations? How can I affect a different outcome?
The more I reflected, the more I realized I had the power to change the dynamics of relationships. It was a breakthrough – I didn’t have to wait for others to change or apologize. I have the power to heal myself.
Testing my new mindset
Shortly after realizing this, I had the opportunity to test my new way of thinking. I invited my mom and sister over for the weekend, which meant a lot to me.
A few weeks before the trip, they all quit. My old self would smile and say, “No problem, it’s okay,” while secretly adding their name to my mental list of people who had wronged me.
But this time, I did something different. I spoke. I calmly explained how hurt it was that they were canceling something that meant so much to me.
To my surprise, neither my mother nor my sister knew that their actions were hurting me. They explained that because I had always been independent, they didn’t realize how much this trip meant to me.
It was the first time we really and openly talked about our feelings, and it actually brought us closer.
Instead of quietly seething and letting resentment build, I communicated honestly and the result was liberating.
I realized that much of the pain I had endured in the past could have been avoided if I had expressed my feelings. That conversation was a powerful reminder to me that I have the power to shape my relationships and that sometimes people just don’t know how we feel unless we tell them.
Moving Forward: Letting Go and Staying Free
After learning to let go of years of resentment, I realized that maintaining my freedom required new habits. I need to prevent falling back into old patterns, so I’ve come up with a few strategies to help.
First, I ask myself three key questions:
1. Is this really worth my peace?
2. Did they hurt me on purpose, or is there another explanation?
3. What could I have done differently in this situation?
These questions help me stop, reflect, and reframe my thoughts before resentment has a chance to take root. I no longer rush to conclusions or internalize every little thing.
And then there’s my secret weapon – whenever I feel old resentments surface, I silently sing a Disney song to myself, “Let It Go”!
I know this sounds silly, but it’s very effective. The moment I started humming this song, it interrupted my spiraling thoughts and stopped me from dwelling on any hurt I was feeling.
By the time I finish singing the song in my head, those rushes of negative emotions have usually passed and I can move forward with a clearer mind.
It’s an easy strategy, but for me, it reminds me that I have choices. I can hold on to the pain, or, quite literally, I can let it pass.
Letting go isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it. The next time you feel resentment creeping in, remember that forgiveness is not for them; forgiveness is not for them. This one is for you. It’s time to free yourself from the burden of carrying poison.
About Samantha Carolan
Samantha Carolan is a life coach and certified EFT practitioner who specializes in helping midlife women break free from limiting beliefs and people-pleasing patterns. Through compassionate coaching and EFT techniques, she helps women embrace their authentic selves, build confidence, and create more fulfilling lives. Samantha lives in peaceful County Down, Northern Ireland, with her partner and her cat Nero. For more information, visit lovemidlife.co.uk/.
