“Loving yourself is the beginning of a lifetime of romance.” ~Oscar Wilde
“Choose me!” I heard this voice loud and clear one day as I sat across from my therapist in her office.
This is my fourth visit and we are working on this feeling I have, like I’m crying on the inside but nothing is coming out. I’m explaining how this feeling has come up a lot lately, and how my response has been to ignore it and get over it.
In response, my therapist asked me, “What would happen if you focused on this feeling instead of holding on to it?”
That’s when it happened. A voice as clear as the greatest truth you have ever heard called out from my crying heart: “Choose me!” All the tears from my inner crying began to fall down my cheeks.
From a young age, we are taught to consider others and put their needs before our own. Especially if we were raised in certain religious or cultural backgrounds, this message may have been common from the beginning.
As babies, when we need something, we cry and our needs are met. However, as we grow older, we begin to receive messages about being polite, not being selfish, or treating others as you want to be treated. Slowly, our needs become less important than the needs of those around us, and we learn to be more attuned to their needs than our own.
We learn that we are responsible for the well-being and happiness of others. Putting yourself first becomes selfish and irresponsible and is met with resistance.
This is the message we’ve been receiving for generations, which is why it’s so hard to imagine choosing yourself over someone else. It’s especially difficult for women, who are often taught to put the needs of their families and communities ahead of their own.
The longer we ignore ourselves, the greater the toll it takes on our physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
In this year’s survey, 50% of women said their stress levels were higher than a year ago, and the same number said they were worried or very worried about their mental health, according to Deloitte’s Women@Work: Global Outlook report.
Half of women who live with a partner and raise children at home have the most childcare responsibilities, up from 46% last year. Nearly 60% of women involved in caring for another adult said they had the greatest responsibility for it, a significant increase from 44% in 2023.
Considering these alarming statistics, it’s no wonder we feel exhausted, drained, and emotionally unwell. So how do we make changes? How do we listen to the call of our hearts that longs for us to choose ourselves?
Let’s review the five steps I took when I heard that call and that I continue to take every day to care for my well-being.
Make space for your interests.
“Game is the stick that stirs the drink. It is the basis of all art, games, books, sports, movies, fashion, fun and wonder—in short, the basis of what we think of as civilization. Play is the essence of life. That’s what keeps life alive ~Stewart Brown.
Stewart Brown wrote a wonderful book called Play: How it shapes the brain, opens the imagination, and inspires the soul. In the book, he talks about the science of play and how it can bring happiness to our lives.
To witness this in your own life, take a walk around your neighborhood and watch children play—running, hiding, screaming, and laughing. Their sense of freedom and inhibition is inspiring. Now think back to your childhood. What did you like to do before? What makes you laugh? What makes you feel alive? What makes you lose track of time? What makes you feel calm right now? What brings you joy?
Give yourself permission to find your interests and passions again. Make space for them in your day or week and watch yourself become energized.
Make space for stillness and reflection.
“When everything is moving and changing, the only way to counteract the chaos is stillness. When things feel extraordinary, strive for the ordinary. When the waters are choppy, dive deeper to find quieter waters. ~ Kristen Armstrong
Making space for silence and reflection in my day has become a key factor in my overall health. It’s never been like this before, but for the past six months I’ve started my day almost every day with ten minutes of meditation and thirty minutes of journaling.
To accommodate this, I wake up an hour earlier than my family and it has become such a special time of my day that I find myself jumping out of bed instead of crawling.
There are numerous studies showing how meditation and journaling can benefit mental health, reduce stress, increase self-awareness, improve sleep, and more. I find that the more time I take for myself, the more I crave it. Before the day begins, dipping into quiet waters prepares me for the day ahead.
Make space for self-care.
“If you don’t love yourself, no one will love you. Not only that, you won’t be good at loving others. Love starts with yourself. ~Wayne Dyer
In order to counteract the messages given to others, we need to remember to take care of our own power. In the words of Lalah Delia, “Self-care is how you take back your power.” We can’t keep giving, giving, giving until our wells run dry. This does no one any good.
Dr. Christine Neff is a psychologist who studies self-compassion. her book Self-Compassion: The Power of Being Kind to Yourself A game changer for me, it showed me the close relationship between self-care and self-esteem. It taught me to treat myself with the same care and compassion I would treat my best friends.
In practice, self-care can mean adopting healthy lifestyle habits such as walking, eating healthily, getting enough sleep, and following a treatment plan. For me, it includes meditation, journaling, walking, regular massages, spa days, and spending time in nature. Find what works best for you and work it into your schedule whenever possible.
Make space to push your limits.
“You are only limited by the walls you build.” ~ Andrew Murphy
When I think about limits, two questions come to mind:
- Where have I become too comfortable and how can I push myself out of that comfort zone?
- What beliefs do I have about myself or my situation that are holding me back?
The first question asked me to think about situations that would force me to be uncomfortable but also allow me to grow.
In the words of Dr. Brené Brown, “Courage is like—it’s a habit, a habit, a virtue: you get it through courageous action. Just like you learn to swim by swimming. Same. You learn courage through courage. Read it again. It takes courage to push your limits, but only by doing so do we know how big, stronger, and more powerful we can become.
The second question asked me to think about my limiting beliefs. To do this, I looked to the work of Byron Katie, who challenged me to ask, “Is this true? Do I know absolutely that this is true? How do I react when I believe this idea?” Who would I be without this thought? This framework has changed my life and is an exercise I do often in my journal. I encourage you to explore your thoughts and try to identify what beliefs are holding you back.
Make space to imagine the life you want.
“Only when you are able to look within yourself will your vision become clear. He who looks outside has a dream; he who looks within is awake. ~ Carl Jung
I recently did a “future me” visioning exercise, which I found in a book Act Bold: Practical wisdom for women who want to speak up, create and lead. Through this exercise, I learned about my future self—where she lives, what she looks like, how she behaves, and how she got to where she is now in life. It was a truly eye-opening experience that opened my eyes to my true, higher self. This is who I want to be twenty years from now, and now I have an example to follow.
Another way to create a vision for the life you want is to create a vision board. A vision board is a collection of images, drawings, and other visuals that represent your goals, dreams, and life aspirations. You can pin it to your wall or even keep it on your phone to refer to regularly to stay connected with the person you want to be. This is a powerful reminder to keep you on track.
In short
Six months ago, I heard my inner wisdom cry, “Choose me!” This marked the beginning of a transformative journey to abandon social norms and embrace the power of self-love. It’s a path to making space for myself—my play, my rest, my care, my faith, and my vision. Although it seemed selfish on the outside, deep down I felt my soul was being nourished and my mind was at peace.
By prioritizing my happiness, I found that I was more capable of showing up fully for the people in my life—my partner, my children, my parents, my friends, and my community. To choose yourself is not to ignore others, but to choose yourself. This is to ensure you have enough strength and clarity to support them. This journey has taught me that self-love is the foundation for a fulfilling and balanced life.
After all, isn’t that what it’s all about? Be the best version of ourselves so that we can truly contribute to the well-being of those we love.
About Brooke Boeser
Brooke Boser is a certified life and health coach who coaches individuals to embrace their authenticity and pursue their best life. She writes about living authentically, loving yourself, and finding your higher purpose. You can follow Brooke on Substack or subscribe to her newsletter at thecoachb.substack.com. You can also follow her on Instagram or LinkedIn.
