“Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Yesterday, my son called me from college to ask how my day was. I told him about my morning, which included celebrating her birthday with my friend’s daughter.
My friend passed away almost two years ago. A few weeks ago, her daughter contacted me and asked if I would share my morning with her in honor of her mom. What an honor and honor this is. Say yes to that.
The celebration was filled with smiles, laughter, tea, stories, tears, yoga mats, birds, fresh air and tight hugs. When I told my son this story, he asked me if my friend’s daughter was cute. (Let’s face it, he asked zero questions about my friend’s daughter’s situation and said nothing about the depth of the meeting.)
“Yes. She’s cute,” I said. “I think she’s a little old for you.”
“How old?” he asked.
“Well, I think twenty-eight or twenty-nine,” I answered.
“Oh my God, Mom, she’s a dinosaur.”
My son is twenty years old. I chuckled. If she’s a dinosaur, then I’m…
My friend passed away because cancer ravaged her body. She works so hard, has the best attitude, and is full of humor, which is even more admirable. I miss her every day. I also had cancer, but I was lucky. Now that it’s gone in my rearview mirror, I’m so grateful. Still, what happened along the way to my point of view still bothers me.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2019.
What happened after all of my treatments was probably even more challenging. I’ve been sick. One thing after another – diverticulitis, which causes severe stomach pain that often requires antibiotics to treat, urinary tract infections, severe brain fog, reflux, the flu, food poisoning…
It was clear to me that my body was extremely damaged after cancer because my immune system was challenged by all the treatment options and of course the cancer itself. I have been working with an integrative therapist to clear my system and become strong and strong. It’s hard and demanding work, but I’m not afraid of work.
I started working when I was nine, delivering newspapers in Colorado through snow, sleet, and ice. I paid for college and worked three or four jobs all the time so I could graduate and get a degree.
My amazing, supportive husband and I raised three boys who experienced countless struggles, not just small but big. I’ve run six marathons. I consider myself resilient, but the work I have done to restore homeostasis after cancer has been the most challenging thing I have ever experienced. It’s more burdensome than cancer.
For at least seven days, probably twice that number, I honestly thought I was going to die. My body was depleted of energy and was struggling to rid itself of bacteria, mold, metals, candida, and H. pylori. I would lie in bed and try to meditate, but I had so much brain fog it was challenging. My body would eventually succumb to sleep, only to be in the same state again the next day.
I woke up feeling terrible for two years. I am focused on my health. That’s pretty much all I thought. I had never been sick in my life until my diagnosis at the age of fifty-two.
I often feel sorry for friends, my son, and my husband when they get sick. I don’t even understand. How do people get sick so often? However, when I got sick, I realized that being sick changes everything.
Difficulty concentrating; Difficulty focusing on others and/or reaching out; Difficulty caring. Yes, it is difficult to take care of. It’s hard to care about anything other than trying to feel better and hoping that you’ll get better. Many days I lost hope by the end. My brain wasn’t functioning properly so I felt numb most of the time. Some days, I don’t get upset if I don’t make it through the night.
I still work through food, supplements, breathing, yoga, walking, running, and meditation every day. I’m happy to say I haven’t had that dying feeling in months. My brain fog is gone. I’m sleeping great and all the other stuff that was really messed up is going great now. I always joke that we are both big babies because poop and sleep are everything and baby, I poop and sleep at the same time.
Lately, I’ve noticed that a new set of thoughts enter my head every day. I’m sure it’s because I have so much space and time now that I’m not working as hard to stay alive. I no longer worry about my cancer coming back or dying from my illness.
I started paying attention to my appearance now. Before cancer, I made a point of dragging myself to Target to buy a few pieces of clothing so I wouldn’t look like I lived in another decade, or I would occasionally order clothes online. I exercised all the time so I stayed in shape, but I actually got more from the mental effects of exercise than the physical benefits.
I’m always combing my hair, brushing my teeth, and putting on mascara, but I’ve always been a “less is more” person. Now I realize this all worked great when I was younger and had no fine lines, wrinkles, or saggy skin.
It’s funny to me that during all of my health struggles, I never thought about my appearance. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t excited about being bald, but I put a wig and a baseball cap on my tapered head and moved on.
Currently, I seem to be thinking about my appearance too often. I don’t like it at all. I love thinking about how I can change my little world, how I can help others, and how I can be a better mom, wife, friend, and teacher. I hate thinking about excess skin from surgery and age.
To make matters worse, I had an inner compass that wasn’t interested in having anything done to my body or face. In fact, I think it’s funny to see the new wrinkles on my face. I’m not saying I like them, but I find it funny when they pop up.
I guess I’m struggling with this since 99% of my friends have Botox, fillers, and/or facial tucks. When I’m around them, I notice their shiny foreheads, plump cheeks, and upturned lips.
Actually I don’t like this look at all. To me, everyone who does this looks the same – like an alien. However, I also don’t like the way I look (old and tired). It was such a weird place and I didn’t want to do anything about it and I didn’t like the way I looked.
When I see a friend I haven’t seen in a long time, I’m sure she’s thinking, “Oh my God, she looks so old. Why doesn’t she at least get Botox?” But I’m thinking, “Oh my God, look.” You no longer look like yourself. “
I’ve noticed that actresses probably think the same thing as me, and I’m happy to see natural looking older women. I feel for them because they are in the public eye.when i see Dear Edward I think Connie Britton looks very beautiful and real. I saw some of the lines and she seemed so natural. yeah. I want to thank her for looking like a real woman in her fifties. This warms my heart.
This new internal battle of mine wouldn’t let me give in. I find it helpful to write everything down on paper. Now I’m going to start thinking about my own thoughts. I’m fascinated by how much we could do if we could control our thoughts and feelings. This is one of the many reasons why I teach yoga, breathing and meditation. They can all help us change the monkey’s thinking.
It’s not an easy job, but I’m willing to do it. I wanted to be so shiny on the inside that people wouldn’t even notice how I looked on the outside, and neither did I.
You know when someone walks into a room and their energy and light draws you to them? Many times, that person isn’t even pretty or handsome, but they exude such a calm aura that you want to be with them.
For me, that’s being fully aware of my uniqueness, complete vulnerability, and keeping an open mind and soul to everyone I meet and everything that happens. I’m not there yet, but I acknowledge the struggle. Isn’t this the first step?
At the end of every class I teach, we end with a “Namaste,” which translates to My Glory and Salutation to Your Light. If you too are struggling with an aging face and body, I respect your glow. Shine!
**Image generated by AI
About Laura Pastor
Laura Pastor can be contacted at gumprun@austin.rr.com. You can find her teaching yoga on the pier or at the Lake Austin Spa, or playing with her sparkling dog. She wrote a manuscript about her battle with breast cancer and collaborated with some friends so that there would be different stories in the book. She hopes to publish it soon so others going through cancer can find hope and connection.
