“The greatest awakenings come when you realize that not everyone changes. Some people never change. This is their journey. It’s not your place to try to solve their problems for them. ~ Unknown
In our journey through life, we often encounter critical moments that force us to face hard truths about ourselves and the world around us. For me, one of those moments drove home the realization that not everyone changes, especially those with the toxic traits of narcissism.
My father’s larger-than-life persona belied a darker reality, and I embarked on a journey of self-discovery marked by disillusionment, healing wounds, and an enduring search for authenticity.
As a child, I idolized my father. In my eyes, he was the epitome of success – charismatic, versatile, and seemingly flawless. However, His love was conditional and dependent on my athletic and academic performance.
Behind closed doors, his warmth turned to indifference, and his affection became a reward for meeting his standards of excellence. Meanwhile, my mother suffered in silence from his infidelity, her pain hidden beneath the façade of family perfection.
It was in this environment that I learned that abuse should go unacknowledged and that appearance was more of a priority than maintaining inner peace.
The scars from my upbringing continue to shape my perceptions and behaviors throughout my adulthood.
As I sought validation from a partner who shared my father’s qualities, I found myself trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and emotional turmoil. The pursuit of perfection was ingrained in my psyche, fueled by the belief that I would never be good enough. Every relationship seemed to reinforce the idea that love was conditional and that I was destined to repeat past patterns.
In the midst of the darkness, a glimmer of hope emerged—a profound transformation that propelled me toward spiritual awakening. In search of comfort, I delved into countless therapies and immersed myself in practices that spoke to my soul.
It was through these experiences that I began to uncover generational trauma and confront the shadows that had long plagued my psyche. In the embrace of Reiki, Sound Healing, and Crystal Healing, I discovered a new sense of myself—resilient, bright, and unapologetically authentic.
Inspired by personal growth, I embarked on a journey to reconnect with my estranged father and brother in the hope that they too would experience transformation. However, my optimism was met with harsh reality as I found myself stuck in familiar patterns of dysfunction.
Despite my best efforts to bridge the gap between us, I was met with resistance and disappointment. It’s a stark reminder that not everyone evolves, and that some wounds are too deep to heal.
In the depths of despair, as I teetered on the edge of depression and declining health, a beacon of hope lit my path. It was in these dark moments that I realized the need to get back to basics – setting aside quiet moments for introspection and listening intently to the whispers of my higher self and the universe.
What I heard was a resounding message echoing deep in my soul: “This is the lesson. Every tumultuous relationship, every heartache, every moment of despair is but a precursor to this pivotal moment.”
With renewed determination, I immersed myself in energy healing and chakra alignment, allowing the vibrational frequencies of love and light to permeate every fiber of my being. Then, with courage and clarity, I decided to face the ghost of my past—my father.
I summoned the power of a thousand suns and walked toward Him, not with anger or resentment, but with love. “I love you,” I said, words filled with years of longing and unspoken truth.
His reaction was not reconciliation or remorse, but anger. In that moment, I realized the futility of seeking validation from a source so devoid of compassion and empathy. However, unlike before, his words didn’t hurt me deeply. Because I rediscovered my strength, self-awareness, and unwavering love for myself and my children. If anything, his outburst was a testament to the depth of his own hurt, reflecting the pain he was carrying inside.
Do I think about that encounter often? Yes I do. But not with regret or pain. Instead, have a deep appreciation for the lessons it imparts. Because when I choose to respond with love, I unknowingly cut myself off from His toxic connection. As he continued to rage, I stood up, filled with a new sense of freedom and self-love.
Eventually, I realized that he was my lesson—a catalyst for my growth, a mirror that reflected back the parts of me that needed healing. The work I had done, the journey I had taken throughout my life to resist his behavior, had prepared me for my moment of liberation.
As he removed himself from my energy field, I basked in the glow of newfound freedom and was surrounded by the infinite love that radiated from within.
For those of you who are struggling with the ghosts of your past or the ghosts of your narcissistic parents, I offer this simple truth: You are stronger than you think and you are worthy of immeasurable love. Embrace your journey with courage and compassion, knowing that each trial and tribulation is just a stepping stone on the road to self-discovery and healing. Remember that in the face of darkness, your own light of love will always guide you home.
Through the crucible of adversity, I discovered the power of self-love and resilience. Through the trials and tribulations of my journey, I have become stronger, wiser, and more in touch with my inner self.
Although the road to healing may be filled with obstacles, it is a journey worth taking. Because in the pursuit of authenticity, there exists the most authentic expression of our humanity – imperfect but infinitely beautiful.
To those walking a similar path, I offer these words of comfort: You are not alone. Although the shadows may be great, know that within you lies the light of resilience and the power of self-discovery. Embrace your journey with courage and compassion, because it is in our darkest moments that we find the strength to shine brightest. Remember, the greatest awakenings come not from fixing others, but from embracing yourself in all of your imperfect glory.
About Shannon Santerelli-Freeman
Shannon is the founder of Modern Hippie Soul, a blend of ancient wisdom and modern strategies for living with purpose. With ten years of Reiki research experience and over twenty years of corporate experience, she bridges esoteric concepts with practicality. Focused on helping spiritually inclined women in the corporate world comprehensively overcome burnout and improve their professional image. Get your free three-step guide today to start your journey to ending burnout and balancing your talents.
