“Having our story can be difficult, but it’s not as difficult as spending our lives.” ~Brené Brown
What is the exact point when you realize you are in a toxic relationship? For me, it’s been a process that took nearly a year. I thought I missed and “wake up” very much. I did have an internal conversation with myself, but there was a thick layer of deception around me. Today, I call it fog because I’m on the other side and I see it more clearly.
Looking back, I see my inner voice guiding me, but I think it’s self-destructive because part of me wants to prove that I’m right, I deserve it, and I’m a good person who just wants love and family. Unfortunately, the more I want to get love from the outside world, the more I am.
Today, I can confidently say that I can feel the difference between my intuition and my self-distracted voice, who wants to be right. Now, I can finally hear what my inner guide told me. But that’s not always the case.
I lost everything due to separation from the toxic relationship. I had to give up my old lifestyle to save my soul. I had to let go of my home and all my belongings and escape with just a bag of clothes and laptop.
I lost money in the property settlement and had no car or residence. My eight-month-old baby and I discovered a shelter in the women’s shelter and started my new life from a humble place. But I found something through all this – a connection to my inner voice that gave me the ability to accept the loss, have my own story, and say goodbye to my old version. I want to share this process with you.
September 2021
Me: Wow, this is very beautiful! I’ve always wanted to try new things. I can get used to this kind of life. I feel like this is fast in my belly. It’s fun, exciting, and new! What’s this? like?
My inner self (very quiet): This is a carousel.
Me: Well, I don’t know what you are talking about. This is very interesting. He has said he loves me. I told him it was too early. We hardly know each other. So, I asked him why he loved me. Do you know what he said? “Because you are you.” He got me the last one, the one who loves me was because of my true identity. There is no doubt that there is no evidence. I’m very lucky.
My inner self (very quiet): Beware- Too good to achieve.
Me: I don’t know what you are talking about. I’m finally alive. That’s it. I think I fell in love with him, too. He already wanted to move together and have a baby. He chose me and I was very excited. So please stop being so negative and let me lead.
Six months quiet
Me: He is what I want. He is spiritual, he meditates. He takes care of himself, and he is so confident and ambitious. When I speak, he listens to me. But when I asked for something, he said, “I think you should check your energy before talking to me.” It was really confused. There are ups and downs, but I think every relationship is like this… (very quiet): isn’t it?
My inner self (very quiet): No.
Me: What do you know? You didn’t even have a healthy relationship before, so how did you know?
My inner self (full of love): neither do you, dear.
Me: Well, to be honest, sometimes I don’t think I understand. There has never been a good time to mention something important to me now, or he just quickly refuted the topic and I don’t know how to introduce it again.
I think I just need to communicate better. Let’s give some courses for this. I always get this feeling in my belly – when I feel like I lose him, like a black hole, like a black hole, I worry that I will die in my life. I can only calm down when I know the benefits between us and when he hugs me again.
I will lean with more love and kindness, and I will figure it out. Even if he is under a lot of pressure, I don’t have time to give me, and he will see how much I love him. He will see that I am here serving him here through good and bad, and then when I need it, he will serve me here. I’m sure we just hit a rough patch and everything will be better soon.
Actually, stop being negative. I have everything I always wanted. Now, with the baby’s pathway we will be such a wonderful family, I will see how much fun he will be, and how much fun we will have.
Six months later
Me: Still a little up and down, isn’t it? Sometimes things went well and we were happy, but then we fell. One day, he said I was his best companion ever because all his exes were crazy. Other days, he really expressed pain to what I said or who my friend was. It circles.
My inner self (very quiet): Like on that wheel?
Me: What wheels? The wheel of power and control I see? No, not that. I won’t do it to myself. I’m already in an emotionally abusive relationship and I’m not so stupid to repeat it.
Things are good. I just need to be better for him. This is my fault. It must be my hormones. It will pass after birth. He will be with us and we will restore peace and peace. Simple. I feel very much in love with him. I won’t ruin this relationship because I’m too sensitive. I have this. I’m going to do more visualizations and affirmation.
Three months later
Me: Hello, are you here? I’m very confused. I think I’m losing my mind.
My inner self (very quiet): I know, my dear.
Me: What happened? My life is a mess. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I’ve been ruining everything all the time. I used to be fun, happy and confident…now I feel lost and dizzy.
My inner self: Is it a bit like being on a carousel?
Me: No, I’m not. I told you – he is helping me. He is the best. I want him. I have no one else. I love him so much, without him, I can’t imagine my life. it’s out of the question. He has all the money, he signed the lease, the car was named after him, I didn’t even hire…
My heart (patience): OK, my dear. Go again. I’ll be here when you need me.
Two months later
Me: I no longer know my life or myself. Everything is vague. I’ve had a big headache for the past week or so. I can’t think clearly; I can’t feel my body. I’m not feeling well.
My inner self: I know, my dear.
Me: What happened? Please help me, someone.
My inner self (very quiet): You are on the carousel.
Me: Why do you continue to repeat this? I tell you he is helping. OK, sometimes. He was just a little stressed, but it was my fault, because I wasn’t as interesting as before. I don’t know why I feel numb or why I can’t laugh anymore.
He is the only one left. I don’t see anyone else anymore. I’m afraid to talk to anyone; no one will believe me. My life is very extreme compared to last year, with court cases, police, debts and signing documents I don’t understand. What am I doing wrong? Why did this happen to me?
My inner self (almost not enough sounds heard): Have you noticed what happened over and over again?
Me: Yes. But I died without him. When I know my problem, stop telling me that it is the problem.
One month later
Me: Are you here?
My inner self: Of course.
Me: Same thing yes It happened over and over again. I thought he was helping, I was crying every night because I was frustrated, I had a lot of drama in my life, but I didn’t bring up any of that. He always talks and talks until I feel like I am the worst person in the world.
A few days ago, he came to me with the idea of having a baby with other women because he wanted more children than I had since I was forty. He claims this is because more and more women should have children with such excellent genetic material. It’s too much for me and it’s getting better and faster. But how can I go on? Please help!
My inner self: Are you ready?
Me: I think so.
My heart: Then beep.
Me: Where?
My inner self: carousel, dear.
Me: Please slow down! ? This will hurt.
My inner self (favorite): Dear, but you are not alone. I’m here. I will guide you and help you recover.
So I did it.
Four gains from my intuitive conversation
First: Intuition is usually quiet, gentle and subtle. I suggest you go back to your memory and pay attention when you hear your intuition. What are the quality and tone? What else can you notice and understand it?
Second: Intuition is not arguing. It usually disappears when you don’t believe it or argue. This is very sensitive to criticism and attitudes, which means something that looks right or more logical or more convenient. If you want to be guided by your intuition, you must let go of thinking about what you “know”.
Third: If your life depends on it, it will become stronger. If you surrender and quiet your overthinking, your intuition will be surprised to guide you to where you need to go.
Fourth: Your relationship with intuition is like any other relationship; it takes time, care and attention to be solid. But once you do this, you will have valuable assets for your life.
About Ivana’s Care
Ivana is a life and transformation coach and a certified root cause therapy practitioner. She uses a traumatic approach to helping women live in life after separation or divorce, guiding them to release intense emotions, reconnect with intuitions, and rebuild their own self-worth. By addressing the original imprint of past wounds, Ivana supports her clients in eliminating self-doubt and shame and gaining the clarity they need to move forward. Please visit ivana.care.com.
