“The opportunity makes us colleagues. Fun, laughter makes us friends.” ~ Unknown
After my new job, I realized that the hardest part was not the complexity of the job, but the culture. The office feels like a maze of an island, everyone is isolated in their corner. Hierarchy is not just a structure, but it is something that everyone keeps reminding. I’m used to browsing high-pressure, competitive environments, but that’s different.
As a woman of stem, I learned to separate my personal life from my work life very early. This boundary helped me maintain control, protect my privacy, and avoid being the subject of office gossip. It has worked for many years. But the longer I stay, the more I feel the weight of separation. Even in a room full of colleagues, I feel increasingly isolated.
For many years, I have been sticking to my motto: I’m doing a job here, not making friends. I thought I had always maintained my professionalism. But here is the fact: What happens when you spend so much waking life in a place you don’t allow you to contact? How can you continue to thrive if you don’t allow a completely humane, to have a real, meaningful relationship?
The paradox of modern work culture is everywhere:
- “Create your own destiny”, but also “surrender to the universe.”
- “Smarter, not hard work”, but “success comes from the hustle and bustle.”
- “Don’t tie your identity to your work” – but, when you meet someone, the first question is: “What are you doing?”
- “Cooperation is key”, but everyone is looking for themselves.
These contradictions make me feel more lonely than realization. I set up building walls to protect my own borders, which made me feel increasingly disconnected. It took me a while to notice how long I worked, or how long I stayed for “proving” that I deserved work. High turnover rates indicate that others are not performing much better.
Decompose the walls and connect them in one go
But then something unexpected happened. A colleague stationed next to me started to change everything. She has this unshakable warmth for her. Her eyes were brown and she smiled, not only that, but also not just caring.
She asked me how it was, and it wasn’t just a casual little chat. Feeling real. Unlike many others in the office, she doesn’t need to remind anyone of her position in the hierarchy. This is the breath of fresh air. In front of her, I feel See. Not only an employee, but also as a person.
For the first time I realized that I was isolated myself, not only from my colleagues, but from a connection that could make the work feel less like a grinding, but more like a community. Letting her in was a major change for me, and I didn’t fully appreciate it at the time. But in hindsight, I saw her presence become a lifeline, which helped me reframe what the work really means.
In my career, I have met incredible colleagues – molecules, references, and even leaders who help me grow my career. But none of them became true friends. But she became a friend in the truest sense. She has no judgment, no understanding without repair, which makes the office feel not alone. Even if I continue to do the job I dreamt of, we are still friends.
That’s what I realize: it’s ridiculous for us to spend a lot of time at work, but we often avoid meaningful, lasting friendships with the people we work with. It seems like we all think that work is a productive and professional place, and friendship is something that exists elsewhere in other spaces.
This is a lie.
Work doesn’t have to be an isolated place. It can and should be a place where we all have, connecting and kindness with as much value as capacity and productivity. I still value privacy. Not every colleague is a safe space. But the idea that friendship can’t start in the workplace? That’s the real myth.
Here’s the fact: we all should feel connected, supported and seen, especially where we spend most of our time. So, why not break the mold? We don’t have to abandon professional expectations, but we can create new rules that make room for authenticity, kindness and connection.
Let’s rewrite the narrative of what works. Yes, we must abide by boundaries and professionalism, but let us remember that human beings are not weaknesses, but our greatest strengths.
Practical Tips for Building Meaningful Friendship in the Workplace
Clarity of personal values and needs
To make any friendship form, whether at work or at work, it is crucial to understand what we value and need in meaningful connections. True friendships involve not only proximity or convenience; they are aligned with those who have our core values and support our growth.
Through my own experience, I realize that I deeply respect and connect with people who have strong morals and live according to their principles of kindness. I tend to be humble and rooted enough to challenge my beliefs in times of conflict, but also to be firm when it really matters. It took me years to realize how many people I need in my life.
To build meaningful friendships, we must first ask ourselves: What made friendship truly realize me? The effort required to build these connections is worth it when we clarify our values and needs.
Reflecting on friendships in the past and present can reveal patterns – what works, what doesn’t work, and what really matters to us. Although this reflection is often encouraged by romantic relationships, it is equally valuable for friendship. When we understand who we are, what we need and who complement our strengths and weaknesses, we can pursue the connection that truly enriches our lives.
This introspection may be the hardest part, but once we have clarity, the rest becomes much easier.
Keep healthy boundaries
Building friendships at work does not mean oversharing or blurring professional lines. It’s about fostering trust, mutual respect and relationships, and it’s the pressure to reveal every detail of our personal lives. Meaningful workplace friendships can grow even when maintaining privacy.
It is also important to realize that not every colleague will accept deep friendships, and that doesn’t matter. Focus on organic connections, rather than forcing unnaturally consistent relationships.
Trust your intuition
You may have a feeling of the personality of your colleagues, whether it is through morning greetings, meetings, team activities, or casual conversations. Be aware of the people who make you feel relaxed, the people who love to talk to you, and the people you like yourself the most.
Trust your intuition about who you feel warm and safe. Meaningful connections often begin with simple intuition.
Break the ice with small but real gestures
If no one approaches you first, take the initiative. Start small:
- Ask colleagues to have coffee with you.
- Talk about shared experiences – projects, books, hobbies, weekend plans.
- Receive the invitation when they leave. In the past, I turned down coffee and lunch invitations because I was overwhelmed with the workload – just realizing how much I missed afterwards. If possible, say yes.
Be careful, get creative and have fun
Sometimes the smallest moments create the deepest connection.
In one of my workplaces, there was an auction where one of the prizes included two tickets Harry Potter Play in the local theater. I found a colleague who shared my Harry Potter There is also a theater, so I suggest we buy our own tickets and go together. We were both ecstatic – it became a memory that strengthened our friendship.
If you prefer a deeper conversation, come up with after-get off work drinks after a major project. This makes the party relevant to the work, but also allows connecting space and sharing recovery from stress.
When planning an event, feel free to suggest you to inspire your excitement. Passion is contagious – When you illuminate something, others will feel it too.
What you are looking for is looking for you
If you are looking for meaningful connections, trust others are looking for the same connection. No one-sided victory – friendship is always a common gift.
Meaningful relationships, even in a professional environment, have the ability to bring joy, support and a sense of belonging. In a world where we spend most of our time at work, this connection can change lives.
About Kate Pejman
Kate Pejman is an engineer, climate change advocate, and Mercy Series. Through candid interviews and personal stories, she explores life at the intersection of authenticity, relationships and freedom – to abide by what we lose and gain in the process. You can find her at www.thebenevolentseries.com. You can find her on Instagram here.
