“You’ve never been in my arms, but you’ll never leave my heart.” ~ Zoe Clark Coates
If you have experienced a miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss. I know all too well the pain of miscarriage as I recently experienced one at ten weeks pregnant.
I’d had two healthy pregnancies before, and everything felt great—until it didn’t.
As a mental health professional who has worked with many women who have experienced miscarriage, I know the statistics show One in four people will experience a miscarriage.
With everything I knew and all the stories I’d heard, I still hadn’t considered how likely it was to happen to me. During and after my loss, I found myself spiraling into darkness, sadness, anger, shame, and unrelenting guilt.
Before going any further, I want to state that miscarriage is a significant loss and it is natural to be deeply hurt. Your grief is real and deserves to be respected.
“Sadness exists only where love exists first.” ~Francesca Cox
This quote reminds us that your attachment, love, and hope for your baby’s future are real, no matter how many weeks into your pregnancy you are.
After my miscarriage, I really wanted to get back to normal as quickly as possible, but I didn’t expect it would have such a big impact on my happiness and mental health.
For months, I was moved by everything and cried every day. I felt so guilty about the miscarriage.
The very word “miscarriage” made me feel like I must have missed something, like I had failed my baby, my husband, and myself.
I never got a follow-up call or emotional support from my doctor, and I really didn’t realize how traumatic it would be physically.
I knew there was nothing I could do to change the pain of this experience, nor could I continue to bury it and isolate myself in the hope that the sadness would go away. My life changed from the moment I found out I was pregnant with my third child, and it changed again when I lost my baby.
As a miscarriage survivor and mental health professional, here are some tips that have helped me heal and find my sense of self again.
Grief and condolences for your baby
Grief is the feelings and thoughts you have related to death, while mourning is when you act or do something to take the pain out of your body. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, and if you have any keepsakes, consider placing them in a special memory box.
I have a box with my pregnancy test, ultrasound pictures, and pictures my four-year-old daughter drew of her angelic little brother or sister.
takes time to heal
It will take some time to heal, don’t rush back to your normal life. Some trauma has happened to your body and soul, and you need time to recover.
Take time off, cancel commitments, and take a break from household chores as needed.
Remember: There is no timetable for grief. It hurts for as long as it takes, and every step requires your own patience and compassion.
allow time to grieve
Invite your pain with purpose and allow time to mourn your baby. I know this may sound weird, but grief and mourning are hard work, and as humans we can easily push away the pain of grief.
I encourage you to give yourself five to ten minutes of uninterrupted time to be fully present in your pain and really let yourself feel it.
In the first few days after my miscarriage, I would listen to Taylor Swift’sBigger than the entire sky” And give yourself permission to cry while writing. This song spoke to me after my miscarriage and still makes me feel close to my baby when I listen to it today.
find your tribe
I know it’s hard to start a conversation about miscarriage, but remember that you are not alone and every time you share your story, you are breaking down the stigma and shame associated with talking about miscarriage.
Whether you join an in-person support group or simply post in an online social forum, sharing your feelings can help you process them and help others recover from their loss.
If you are supporting a loved one who has suffered a miscarriage, don’t put pressure on yourself to “fix” their pain.
Your presence, empathy, and ongoing emotional support will help them recover more than you think.
some parting thoughts
Be gentle and patient with yourself during this time, and remember that everyone experiences the grief of miscarriage in their own unique way.
What I tell myself during those difficult days is: MYour baby lives in my heart, safe there forever.
About Chantal Lester
Are you struggling with infertility, loss, or trauma? Chantal Lester, MS, CCC, RP (Qualifying) is here to support you when you’re ready. Click here to learn more about Chantal’s approach and expertise. Take an important step towards better health with Calm Cool group counseling. Fill out our therapist matching form and we’ll match you with a therapist within 24 hours. Plus, get a free 15-minute phone consultation with the therapist of your choice! Remember, a problem shared is halved.
