“Inner strength is the stuff you keep in your backpack as you navigate the twists and turns of life’s difficult road.” ~Rick Hansen
“I’ve had a rough day. Can we talk?” I asked my husband when I got home from get off work in 2015. He nodded and we sat on the couch.
I continued, “I got very challenging performance feedback from my manager today. It was hard to hear because I knew it was true.
This was the most important piece of critical feedback I received immediately. I thought about this conversation all afternoon. I sat in the meeting speechless, heart pounding, as my manager gave every possible example of the ways I was underperforming.
As we discussed what I did well, I kept thinking about opportunities for improvement. The last thing I remember saying was, “I need time to process what you shared.”
I didn’t realize until that conversation how much my inner feelings translated into my actions.
Deep down, I often felt frustrated, stressed, and overwhelmed. This is the basis of my interactions with others. I often react poorly when things don’t go well. I repeatedly interrupted people and didn’t fully hear them in the first place. I complained a lot, both inside and outside of work. It felt so far away from what I knew I was capable of.
Deep down I was in pain and I just realized I was taking it out on myself and others.
I had recently been diagnosed with “unexplained infertility” and was about to start fertility treatments.
I had a hard time coping: I blamed everyone and everything, including myself; I criticized and beat myself up so much; I felt deeply ashamed; I tried to resist my painful feelings.
When I look back on this experience, I feel a lot of self-compassion for my past self. I don’t know yet how to cope better, it’s very difficult.
I shared with him the feedback I had received and said, “What’s wrong with me? I was better in the past: calmer, kinder, more approachable. I know I have the ability to show up like this again. I want to try Improvement. I want to learn how to meditate. I think this will help.
This is the moment I noticed.
In noticing, I have a choice. I can choose to take responsibility for my actions. I can choose to try to improve.
I had tried meditation before and considered myself a “bad meditator.” My husband, on the other hand, meditates daily and teaches meditation workshops. He’s been showing it to me for years. I’ve seen how he benefits from it. However, I decided that meditation was not for me. so far. I knew then that I couldn’t continue to function the same way. So I thought, why not try again?
In the previous months, we had started listening to podcasts and Dharma talks focusing on mindfulness, which really resonated with me. It helped me realize that mediation could benefit me.
absorb the beauty
The first thing I did was read a book by psychologist and best-selling author Rick Hansen hardwired happiness. I learned about what Hanson calls the red and green zones of the brain.
Hansen explains that the red zone is the brain’s response pattern, where you go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. When your thoughts are focused on fear, frustration, and heartache. It plays an important role when there is a threat, but it should be short-lived.
Unfortunately, Hanson shared that in modern life, reactive patterns have become the new normal for many people. It dawned on me: This is all too common for me. I feel like my brain is in the red zone most of the day.
In contrast, the green area is the brain’s home base, Hansen said. Brain response patterns. In this mode, your mind experiences peace, contentment, and love. When you are in this state, you can handle life’s challenges without being overwhelmed by the stress of them.
Through Hanson, I discovered that there are many things we can do to strengthen our response patterns by absorbing the good stuff, no matter what is going on in our lives.
That’s what I want to start doing. I learned that I needed to consciously accept the good because the brain has a negative bias.
I wanted to feel more fulfilled—the antidote to depression. I began a daily practice of loving-kindness and gratitude for thirty days.
In the morning, I did ten minutes of loving-kindness meditation. At night, my husband and I would talk about three things we were grateful for and let them sink in.
At the end of the thirty days, I definitely felt more content with myself and others. I feel less depressed. I became more aware when I was triggered. Sometimes, I remember to pause and give myself space before responding. Other times, I catch myself after reacting negatively and apologize. This is a start.
I’m amazed at how much I can do to change my heart without changing my circumstances. Did I suddenly become like a monk and nothing bothered me? No.
Dan Harris, a former ABC news anchor and meditation skeptic turned advocate, asserts in his book 10% happier Practicing mindfulness and meditation will make you at least 10% happier. That’s what I can achieve.
Maybe after a month I was 20% less frustrated. Maybe I’m 10% more aware of triggers and react a lot less.
Regardless of the exact amount, these changes have had a significant impact on me. And, over time, I heard positive feedback at work that I was “performing better.”
The thing with exercises is that once you start them, in order to maintain the benefits, you need to make them a part of your life. In my case, I continually took action to solidify what I learned.
Next, I started a daily mindfulness meditation practice, which I still continue today. Jon Kabat-Zinn, founder of mindfulness-based stress reduction, defines mindfulness as: “The awareness that arises through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and without judgment… as a source of self-understanding and wisdom. Serve.
Three months later, I participated in the two-day Self-Discovery mindfulness and emotional intelligence program. As the name suggests, I learn tools and practice to grow inner resources to access my own self-awareness, empathy, wisdom, and resilience—me in the green zone. It was this spark that fueled my happiness on a deeper level.
That’s when I started taking ownership of my experience to improve my health. It started out as just trying to be nice, but then it became something more.
reflection on noticing
Over time, these examples of action, and many others, changed my relationship with myself and my life.
They were my first step in developing a more nurturing relationship with myself—one that is more self-compassionate, kind, and loving; a place where I can fully engage and enjoy the good things; where I allow myself to experience what I face without judgment. difficult emotions.
It is from this place that I can be more complete, responsive, and kind.
In one year, I grew more than I had in the past five years combined. This profoundly formative experience gave me some positive and exciting focus. I do have agency during challenging times in my life. It feels like a lot of things are beyond my control. It gave me better skills to overcome the difficulties I will continue to face, including burnout and fertility challenges.
I reflect on this time as a wake-up call for me. It was then that I stopped acting like a victim of circumstance, became more aware, and started doing the inner work to grow. Choosing this path is a gift I gave myself.
While my experience with burnout is complex and continues to have its ups and downs, once I noticed it, it became more manageable. It took another two years, when I chose to stop fertility treatments when I no longer felt it was suitable after a failed IUI, that I became pregnant naturally.
I don’t want to know what those years would have been like if I hadn’t focused on my inner work. It taught me how to cope. It allows me to focus on the things I can control, which makes it more bearable. It showed me how to experience goodness—peace, contentment, and love—every day, no matter what. Most importantly, it gave me some meaningful attention.
I didn’t wait until I had a baby to start the next phase of my life, which was my initial mindset when we started trying to conceive. I live more fully than I did before I noticed. I learned how to experience beauty and brokenness.
It was at that moment that I started down a path that would change my life dramatically. This will allow me to create a life and a career on my own terms, centered around happiness, in the next phase of my life.
About Rachel Gabel
Rachael Gaibel is a career, life, and happiness coach who helps women overcome obstacles, discover possibilities, and make meaningful changes in their lives and work. She also works as a leadership development content writer and consultant. She is a writer, mother, wife, nature lover, and aspiring creative. Please visit her website. Check out her newsletter here.
