“Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. The same world. ~Wayne Dyer
Driving home from another trip to the pediatrician, my mom reiterated how insignificant I was: “You’re just like Mom. She’s so weak. You get sick easily. I want to say that when I wholeheartedly accept this nonsense When I tell you that I have been sick for thirty years, I am not exaggerating because I truly believe that I am prone to illness.
I come from a long line of women who never got what they wanted. They settle down, submit and submit to their male mates. I remember when I was about eight years old, I witnessed a heated argument between my parents.
Those fights used to scare me, and I always ended up resenting my father because my mother was no match for him, either physically or intellectually. As she cleaned the bleeding black mascara from under her eyes, she told me something that would ultimately shape my relationships with men.
“Paula, if you care about a man, he will treat you like dirt under his feet.”
Just like that, my views on men and my stance with them were ill-fated. My relationships with men as a teenager and as an adult reflected the belief that I had come to terms with the fact that my perm was still terrible. The bad perm was proof that my brain wasn’t fully developed yet, so I was too young to accept any belief as fact.
Let’s fast forward a few years to when my father decided he was too much of a man for a woman. I was eighteen when my parents divorced. A week after my mother and I left the physical institution we called home, two new women came in to take our place.
My father married a girlfriend who had a daughter. My daughter set up shop in my bedroom and quickly adapted to my nickname of “Little Man.” I felt replaced because I was replaced. Very cruel and a true form of narcissism.
At eighteen, I didn’t have Mother Teresa’s emotional intelligence, so I blamed myself for being unlovable, and this subconscious belief controlled my behavior for the next twelve to thirteen years.
During that time, I went from a size six to a size sixteen, bought a house in hell on earth, dated a drug-addicted criminal with multiple personalities, a self-medicating mentally ill redneck, and a sex-addicted Politician, he’s been cheated on five times. Believing oneself to be unlovable creates a series of unlovable experiences.
At thirty, I realized that I experienced more heartache than love and that I was tired of living a life that wasn’t worth living.
A few years ago I was introduced to Dr. Wayne Dyer and was evaluating why my life looked the way it did. One day, I heard Dr. Dyer say something that changed the course of my life: “Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. One world.”
OMG. It was then that I put two and two together and realized that I was a devalued victim, but that didn’t mean I had to continue to be a victim. “Demeaning” is a word I coined to describe a socialization that taught me how to live in chaos rather than happiness.
You may be wondering, “Well, Paula, what is the definition of mean and naughty?”
Derogation occurs when young people accept the subjective opinions of those who influence them most (aka lies) without questioning or realizing what is true (aka objectivity). In turn, subjective beliefs creep into their subconscious and control their behavior before they realize what is happening. After many years, their mind is like a landfill because they allow any thought to live there for free.
Using myself to illustrate the effects of the Fall on the soul, here is an overview of my belief system for the first thirty years of my life:
- It is normal for women to be bullied by men.
- Backstabbing friends and family is normal.
- Anyone who looks different than me is less important.
- No one can control whether a person’s life is lucky or unlucky.
- I get sick more easily than other people and there’s nothing I can do about it.
- Excessive drinking is normal.
- There was only one way to make money, so I had to take any job I could find, whether I liked it or not.
- Women are less able to earn money than men.
- Everyone is better than me.
- It is wrong to want more. Wanting more means I’m a self-righteous snob.
- Jealousy is a healthy reaction to anyone who looks better or has more.
- In any situation, it is perfectly acceptable to be angry when someone presents a contrary belief.
- The amount of money someone has makes them superior and they have power over people with less material assets.
I could go on and on, but I think this list is perfect for Polaroids. Please note that by wanting more I mean I am a self-righteous snob. This was said to me over and over again when I was still getting a perm, and well into my thirties.
Whenever I mentioned wanting a better life, I was told I was beyond my reach. If I mention admiring someone who is wealthy, highly educated, or beautiful, I am quickly rejected and usually laughed out loud by the person saying it.
Have you ever been around someone who always found a way to humiliate your life? I have. I was raised by a man who used humiliation as a disciplinary tool, a tool he loved to take out of his pocket and use strategically, especially when he had an audience.
For years I stopped speaking out about my big dreams for fear he would embarrass me with cruel, disempowering lies (aka subjective opinions), but one day I reacted differently to his shaming tactics . These have been a few years of personal growth for me, and I’ve discovered the keys to living the best life possible. I’m not quite there yet, but I’ve figured it out and am heading toward a better life at the speed of an Amtrak train.
He was afraid of it because he could no longer intimidate me. On this day, he told me that I had outgrown my care, and I said loudly: “God, I hope so.” His eyes became as big as two cannonballs, and at that moment, I transformed from a thinking sluggard to An ideological snob.
As I write this, I am forty-seven. For the past twenty years I have been living the opposite of the life I was taught. Guess what?
I’m not vulnerable at all. In fact, not only was I in good health, I also had no symptoms of a rare bladder disease called interstitial cystitis, which is said to be incurable. There is more.
My husband is the kindest, most supportive person I know. I left an employer who wanted my soul for a few bucks and thrived in my woman-owned business. It turns out that the people I was jealous of ended up being my greatest teachers because it was those people I admired.
If I continue to act like an intellectual slob and take everyone’s opinion as absolute truth, something irreversible will happen. This inner realization led me to pivot from a long and fruitful career in fundraising to helping people overcome depression. As I struggled to make sense of this career change, I reflected on my past, and the core memories that surfaced made me realize two things.
1. Young Paula’s mindset was rooted in self-loathing, which stood in the way of the better life I wanted.
2. My self-loathing was a result of accepting other people’s subjective opinions as fact.
“Wow,” I thought. “How simple, yet so complex.”
As I analyze aspects of my past existence, one word comes to mind: laziness. Physically, I don’t look like the typical definition of slovenly because I’m in good health and have good personal hygiene. However, I have been neglecting brain hygiene for nearly thirty years. It was corrupted by dirty thoughts and almost ruined my life.
“Well, if I was a slob before, what am I now?” When I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that what I always wanted was something better, but instead, I chose Developed self-loathing because of how I viewed the world and my role in it. My newfound awareness led to the creation of two abbreviations:
- SLOB – Self-loathing is better than better
- Snobbery – seeing new objective beliefs
Bang! This is–a perfect description of my transformation from a sloppy mind to a snobbish mind. I’ve officially surpassed my raise.
Awareness is the basis of all change. When I started acting with mindful awareness, I was able to interrupt thoughts that would turn into some crazy, scary stories.
Here’s an example of how I used the Snobby Thinking method to reprogram my subconscious and train my brain to move away from negativity bias and toward thoughts and feelings that uplifted me rather than brought me down.
Before meeting my husband, I had been alone for a long time, recovering from a painful relationship that I had endured and endured. During that time, I remembered the education I received as a child. To care about a man is to be treated badly.
My awakening came from asking the question: Is this true? always? Are all men bad for women? Are all women punished for loving men? The answer to all of these questions is an emphatic “No!”
Let me tell you, the moment I started looking at my life objectively (aka looking at the facts), everything changed. I left the hostile world I had been living in and entered a world of love and sold the property I purchased in hell on earth. I became so snobbish about what I allowed my five senses to take in that I gave up on 90% of the people, places, and things that had helped create my identity.
Goodbye, Felicia.
If your life isn’t going the way you want it to, start here. Examine your beliefs about the things that matter most to you. Just for demonstration purposes, let’s use money. If you were broke and desired wealth, what would be your beliefs about money?
Let’s say you find that you don’t believe in your ability to acquire wealth because you were taught to believe that money doesn’t come easily. When you reflect on yourself, you find that you feel resentment toward rich people because you grew up in a home where people spoke ill of rich people.
Now, use SNOB and answer these questions objectively. For example, when you received a birthday gift, was it hard to get it? No, it’s easy.
Are all rich people bad people? No, they are not. The truth is, there are some very wealthy people, and the resentment comes from wanting what they have.
Building self-awareness leads to asking self-reflective questions, and the answers that follow reveal the culprit. The culprit is the lies you accept before your brain is fully developed. These lies control your behavior, but here’s the good news.
You are an infinite chooser. At any time, you can choose peace or hostility. This is true.
This is what I want you to do: start practicing mindful awareness. Look at your life with an objective eye. Your self-loathing will no longer be better when you see new objective beliefs.
Look at your life uncritically. You know where your beliefs come from. Show yourself tremendous compassion and move forward cautiously with the desire to change.
About Paula Swope
Paula Swope is a spiritual coach, podcast host, Deepak Chopra certified instructor, and Thought snob: A modern spiritual handbook for a good life. After years of trauma, abuse, and self-destruction, Paula realized that negative thought patterns were getting her down and began to transform. Her Thought Snobbish process teaches how to move from chaos to happiness and create the life you deserve through the amazing power of your thoughts – just like she did. Follow her on Instagram, TikTok or Facebook.
