“I am not my thoughts, emotions, sensory perceptions, and experiences. I am not the content of my life. I am life. I am the space in which everything happens. I am consciousness. I am now. I am. ~ Eckhart Thor
The moment I knew I was not what I thought, everything changed.
I read Eckhart Tolle there new earth, When I read this quote: “What a liberation it is to realize that ‘the voices in my head’ are not me. Who am I then? The one who sees this.”
I felt a shift. Wait, what? How could I not be what I thought? Aren’t my thoughts just me? They are in my mind every day. I thought they made me…me!
This exciting moment shocked me deeply. At that moment, I changed. Once my mind was freed from its constraints, my true self emerged.
For nearly forty years, I’ve been living on autopilot. I don’t like having a lot of thoughts in my head, but I don’t know that I can control them. Instead, I retreated, tried to push them away, distracted myself by staying busy, and worked to improve my image and contribution to the world.
My deep, shameful secret is that no one would want to know me if they knew the vile thoughts I was thinking in my head. Deep down I felt like a terrible person. Wow. I’m sorry, my past self, that you lived like this. I love you. deep love.
It has become a daily practice for me to separate myself from my thoughts. I remember the first time I was able to have a conversation with my own thoughts. A few weeks after reading this exciting article, I accidentally spilled the contents of my vacuum cleaner on my kitchen floor.
“You’re such a fool. What a mess. What a waste of time. Look what you’ve done. These mean words ran through my head. I sat in the middle of the floor and put my hand over my heart.
“Who’s saying that?” I asked.
The maelstrom of dark energy in and around me grew tighter, darker, and meaner, and it growled, “Me.”
“What is your purpose?” I asked with curiosity and fear.
“To keep you in line,” it sneered.
“Consistent with what?” I asked.
“You are such a loser. You don’t know how to do the right thing,” it continued.
The whirlpool grew tighter and tighter, and I put my hand over my heart to protect myself.
“What do you want me to know?” I asked.
“I must keep you safe,” it said.
“Who are you trying to keep safe?” I asked.
Immediately, an image of me as an eight-year-old appeared in my mind. She was sad, sitting on the floor in the front hallway of my childhood home. My parents both worked and my nanny refused to get my hair done before school. She decided that when I was eight I could have my hair done before going to school. It left me feeling confused, sad, and alone.
“Oh, honey,” I felt my heart opening up to her. “What do you need?”
She looked at me with tears streaming down her face and said, “Can you do my hair?” In my mind, we walked to the hallway mirror and I brushed her hair and tied it into braids.
“I see you and I love you,” I told her. She looked relieved, a tentative smile on her lips.
I felt my love pouring into her, the dark vortex rising, swirling nearby, and then leaving my energy field.
As I processed this interaction with the fear of failure part of me that protected my grieving inner child, I was able to remain in my conscious, healthy adult mind and release that inner voice.
I know that the critical, ego part is there to protect my inner child from feeling sad and alone. As children we don’t judge or ignore our caregivers for being wrong but blame ourselves, which is what my younger self did until I re-parented her. I thought I was wrong for asking my nanny to do my hair, instead of recognizing that her neglect was not my fault.
Now, when I make a mistake or spill something, I don’t hear that mean voice as strongly. If it comes up, I know how to talk to it.
I’ve come a long way since I spilled the contents of my vacuum cleaner. The mean voice that once dominated my thoughts has lost its power.
The most profound lesson I’ve learned is: we are not what we think. We are their consciousness, the consciousness that observes and chooses them. This knowledge allows me to step out of my negative self-talk and into the vast space of the present moment.
I invite you to try this. The next time you make a mistake or face a challenge, stop. Notice the thoughts that come up, but don’t hold on to them. Instead, ask yourself, “Who is saying that?” In that space of awareness, you may find, as I did, that old beliefs are ready to change and that your inner child is waiting to be noticed.
About Rebecca Fellenbaum
Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified life coach, intuitive guide, author, and entrepreneur. She helps women who are “successful” on the outside feel good about themselves on the inside, allowing them to find joy in their lives, their children and their families. Get her free guide: Slow Down: 9 Steps to Living on Purpose and when you say you’re doing great, start meaning it. Find her at rebeccafellenbaum.com.
