“Your anger? It tells you where you feel powerless. Your anxiety? It tells you that something in your life is out of balance. Your fear? It tells you what you care about. Your apathy? It tells you where you are overworked and exhausted . Your feelings are not random, they are messengers and if you want to achieve something, you need to let them talk to you and tell you what you really need.
Anxiety has been with me for half my life. I went from a confident, passionate, and fearless girl to a woman plagued by self-doubt and paralyzed by fear.
My struggle with anxiety began in college. The sudden change in living environment turned on the switch in my brain and changed me beyond recognition. I found myself living in a toxic environment with roommates who caused so much chaos that I no longer felt safe in my own home.
This constant state of unease triggered an anxiety that stayed with me for years. Instead of acknowledging it, I tried to rise above it. I looked outside for solutions, turning to the law of attraction and other quick-fix spiritual practices, but they only made me feel worse about myself.
Chronic stress and anxiety wreaked havoc on my body. I experienced severe gastrointestinal pain, tingling in my hands and feet, dizziness, nausea, and many other symptoms. I sought help from doctors, naturopaths, and specialists, but no one found anything wrong with me.
Deep down, I couldn’t accept that anxiety could be the cause. I convinced myself that there must be something seriously wrong with my health. Because I didn’t acknowledge anxiety as the reason behind it all, the symptoms only intensified.
I would go months without any symptoms, only to be hit with a new wave of horrible feelings. The anxiety always comes back, stronger than before. It feels like a never-ending cycle.
Then COVID-19 hit and it was a perfect storm for my anxiety. Not only am I dealing with a global pandemic with a young child, but we are also building a new home — a process that has been delayed by the pandemic. We are moving to a completely different city and living in a rental while we wait for our new home to be completed.
As I navigate virtual school for our six-year-old, my anxiety spikes. Then came the most devastating news: my mother had been diagnosed with bladder cancer.
My parents moved into a rental with us because their house flooded. Watching my mom progress with cancer only heightened my anxiety. My mother’s diagnosis was not the only time I had cancer. It starts to feel like it’s everywhere. The constant presence of illness and death heightened my anxiety and made me hypersensitive to every pain.
Insomnia became my nightly companion for almost a year. Some nights, I couldn’t sleep at all.
Anxiety about insomnia became as overwhelming as my general anxiety. As bedtime approaches, my chest becomes heavy with fear. I cried all night and felt so alone. It’s heartbreaking to feel alone when the world sleeps and you’re awake. Just me and my millions of thoughts.
To shut down my brain, I would drink a glass of wine every night. I tried various supplements but they only wreaked havoc on my body, causing my liver enzymes to rise and creating a host of other health issues.
Anxiety has not only changed me; It affected every aspect of my life, especially my marriage. My husband, who has always been calm and patient, started to get nervous and grumpy because of my constant worries and fears.
My anxiety created tension between us, and we were no longer the carefree couple we once were. Our conversations often revolved around my fears, and I could see how stressful this was for him.
As a mother, my anxiety took away the joy of being with my son. Instead of enjoying my time with him, I lost my temper with him, my patience exhausted by my constant state of unease.
I researched every day, desperate to find a miraculous cure. I tried cognitive behavioral therapy, tapping therapy, and affirmations. But nothing works. Although CBT has helped many people, it wasn’t for me.
Trying to replace negative thoughts with positive ones can feel like putting plaster over the cracks in a crumbling wall. Positive thoughts don’t feel real; they feel like a makeshift mask.
Then I discovered Jon Kabat-Zinn. His books became my lifeline and introduced me to mindfulness and meditation. Slowly, these exercises became part of my daily routine. I learned to be friends with my emotions instead of running from them or burying them deep inside.
I invite my anxiety to tea and listen to her concerns. I embraced my fear and told her she was not weak. I asked my rage what she was holding on to and allowed her to scream and cry. I wrote to each of my emotions and they wrote back.
We cried together, and for the first time, my emotions were seen and heard. I am no longer afraid of them; They become part of me – part of who I am as a person.
Meditation and mindfulness have been my mainstays for the past five years. no they don’t cured my anxiety, but they changed my relationship with it. Anxiety no longer controls my life. Instead of panicking, I asked myself, “How am I feeling? Where in my body am I feeling this emotion?
These simple questions ground me and bring me back to the present moment. By labeling this feeling, I took away much of its power. I tell myself, “I feel anxious, but that’s okay.” I repeat this until I feel calm.
Sometimes, I even think of my anxiety as a physical presence—a person in need of love, patience, and understanding. I ask this person, “What do you need right now?” Often, the answer is simple: love.
My anxiety, like all emotions, is about wanting to be acknowledged and heard without judgment. Sometimes it just takes a moment to be there, to be there without being pushed away.
Another tool that has been very helpful to me is Jon Kabat-Zinn’s STOP method. Whenever I feel anxiety creeping in, I stop, stop: SOn top of what I’m doing timeTake a deep breath, oxygenObserve what’s going on inside and around me and then phosphorusMove forward with awareness. This simple technique helps break the cycle of anxious thoughts and ground me in the present moment.
I believe that all of our emotions seek recognition and understanding. They want to be recognized uncritically. Sometimes they just need a moment to breathe and exist in a safe space where they can move from being overwhelmed to being understood. They want to know that you won’t abandon them, but gently guide them toward clarity.
Looking back, I realize anxiety has changed me in ways I never expected. It makes me more empathetic to those who are struggling with their own struggles. I learned that everyone carries something heavy, even if they don’t outwardly show it.
My anxiety also taught me the importance of self-compassion. I used to be my own harshest critic, but now I’m learning to be kinder to myself and give myself grace to be imperfect.
Even though I have learned tools to manage my anxiety, it is still a part of my life. Sometimes anxiety can feel overwhelming and old fears resurface.
When I feel the familiar waves of anxiety, I turn to the exercises I’ve learned. Mindfulness, cessation and self-compassion. I allow myself to feel my feelings without judgment and focus on small, actionable steps to bring myself back to the present moment.
What keeps me motivated is knowing I’ve come so far. Every setback is an opportunity to practice the tools I’ve learned, and every time I do, I’m reminded of my own strength and resilience. My anxiety journey continues, but every day, I become more capable of handling whatever comes my way.
Your emotions don’t define you – they are a part of you. It means you are alive and full of humanity. Embracing them instead of fighting them brings me peace and I hope it does the same for you.
About Holly Hattam
Holly Hatam is a three times New York Times bestselling illustrator, known for her work such as dear girl and dear boy. She has authored more than 30 books, which have sold more than 1 million copies worldwide. Her art is inspired by her passion for mental health awareness and is designed to comfort and inspire those struggling with anxiety and the ups and downs of life. Holly also works in animation, bringing her compassionate and imaginative worlds to life. Visit her at hollyhatam.com, Instagram and YouTube.
