“You yourself, like anyone else in the entire universe, are worthy of your love and affection.” ~ Buddha
As I’m sure many of us do, I’ve struggled with difficult self-esteem issues most of my life. But it wasn’t until six years ago, when I became very unwell with an autoimmune disease, that I began to realize how much low self-esteem was affecting my daily life and health.
I came to realize that focusing on external validation, bending and folding, putting the needs of others before mine, like a reed being dragged back and forth by the water of a river, was a destructive way to live.
As I began to recover, I could see that not truly valuing or trusting myself was seeping into almost every aspect of my life. I began to understand that even small decisions to say “yes” or “no” to my authentic self could impact my health and happiness.
I really had no idea what I liked or disliked, who I was, or what I wanted out of life. Well, at that point, I wanted to recover more than anything, but I knew that emotion work was a big part of it. I also knew that developing greater self-worth would be the key to my recovery.
I began to reflect on the things I valued and enjoyed. I began to listen to messages from my body and intuition. I started asking myself questions like, “Am I trying to please others because I have low self-esteem, or is my true self saying yes with honesty and wisdom?” and “Am I giving in to satisfying other people’s wishes to please or appease them? , thereby damaging my health and happiness?” I started to believe in myself and recognize the value I added to the world.
Having high self-worth or self-esteem can be one of the most transformative and wonderful things for your happiness, health, and success, but how do we move from not having a high regard for ourselves to having a high level of love and respect for ourselves?
Self-esteem is the way we evaluate and see ourselves. This is our assessment of our overall worth or value. This is how much we like ourselves. It is developed over time, but, along with our other subconscious beliefs, it is mostly formed at a young age.
Many of us suffer from low self-esteem, but it’s entirely possible to change and reframe our limiting beliefs.
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with the handbrake on.” ~ Maxwell Maltz
Low self-esteem can really prevent us from living a fulfilling and happy life. We may experience anxiety and embarrassment in front of others because we feel unlovable or be paralyzed by low self-esteem, unable to move forward and succeed in life because we feel unworthy.
Low self-esteem often leads to high levels of self-criticism and thoughts of “not being good enough.” It’s a feeling of generally negative thinking about yourself and life.
It can result from bullying or abuse, mental or physical illness, stress, work or relationship problems, etc. It can often start in childhood and develop over time.
Low self-esteem can manifest itself in many ways, such as:
- Likeable
- indecisive
- No positive interpersonal relationships
- easily angry or irritable
- Frequent feelings of overwhelming sadness
- Difficult to draw boundaries
- Have a pessimistic outlook on life
- Doubt your abilities and ability to succeed
However, the good news is that it is entirely possible to cultivate love for yourself and create a happier, more successful life. That’s it.
1. Work on cultivating self-compassion.
Sometimes I’m very hard on myself – harder on myself than on others. Cultivating self-compassion has helped me become gentler with myself and in doing so, see myself in a kinder light.
Kristen Neff explains, “Gentle self-compassion is the ability to be with ourselves as we are—comforting and reassuring ourselves that we are not alone, while also validating our pain. It has the tender, nurturing quality of a mother towards her newborn.
A helpful tip for being kind to yourself is to think about how you would react if a good friend or a child blamed you for something. Simply noticing how differently we speak to ourselves and starting to adjust that to a kinder, gentler way is a great way to start building compassion for yourself.
Loving-kindness meditation has been very helpful for me in cultivating self-compassion. Incorporating self-compassion into your daily life is a great way to develop self-compassion into a practical practice.
2. Set goals and don’t break promises to yourself.
Building trust in yourself and your abilities is an important part of developing self-worth. However, be careful not to let goal setting become another stick with which to beat yourself.
I live with a chronic illness, so setting goals can be challenging. My health often determines what I can achieve, so I have to be gentle about it. I keep my intentions reasonable, realistic, and compassionate. This means that if something goes wrong with my health, I won’t feel bad about not living up to the promises I made to myself.
Showing up for yourself and not letting yourself down tells your subconscious that you are worthy. As long as you stay flexible and be kind to yourself, setting small goals and then reveling in your accomplishments can begin to change the narrative you may have created around your abilities and not being good enough. Set realistic goals so you don’t set yourself up for failure, and build your confidence and self-worth over time as you develop them.
If you’re like me and have health issues, maybe one of your goals might be to make sure you do a gentle yoga routine that you know will help with pain relief. Or it could even be something as simple as making sure you spend ten minutes outside first thing in the morning so you can enjoy the sunshine and fresh air. The key is to show up and let your subconscious know that you matter.
Or, if you’re afraid of speaking up in work meetings, set a goal for yourself to speak up once within the next week. This small goal will be more manageable than committing to speaking up at every meeting, and you’ll be more likely to achieve it, thereby reversing the shame spiral and negative self-talk trap. When you speak, really celebrate!
3. Evaluate your achievements.
Make a list of things you are good at. Start with small things like: being kind, being funny, being on time, being neat, whatever it is. Come up with as many as you can, but ten is a good goal. Simply writing this list will boost your confidence and free you from negative thinking patterns.
Then think about an accomplishment you’ve achieved in your life, such as excelling at a sport or learning to cook or play an instrument.
Next, think about what you have accomplished in school, college, or work. Chances are, you excelled somewhere along the way, but you’re telling yourself the opposite story. It’s time to rewrite the story. Really revel in these successes. Maybe you could even write a few words of praise next to each one. Go ahead and give yourself a gold star – you know you want it!
I have a habit of journaling at night, and sometimes, especially when I’m feeling a little down on myself, I’ll write down three things that I did well that day. This always helps lift my mood and affects how I feel about myself.
4. Accept compliments.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve turned down a compliment: “You look good today.” “Uh, no, my hair is terrible” or other similar rejections.
I started making a conscious effort to simply say “Thank you very much” when someone complimented me. I can’t say I’ve always felt completely at ease with it, but it’s been a warmer experience receiving appreciation. I think it might feel better for people who say kind words.
When we feel bad about ourselves, it can feel extremely awkward to receive a compliment because we can’t imagine how it could be true. It’s also considered culturally polite to humbly deny or rebut a compliment, so saying no quickly and moving on almost feels like a natural reaction. But doing so will lower your sense of self-worth and allow you to create a negative narrative about yourself.
The next time someone pays you a compliment, I invite you to just say “Thank you so much” or “That’s very well said.” The more you practice responding in this way, the more you will begin to improve your thoughts and feelings about yourself and develop higher self-esteem.
5. Practice self-care.
Taking care of yourself is an act of love. Always put yourself and your needs first and tell your brain that you are worthy. Putting yourself first doesn’t make you selfish. It actually empowers you to give more fully to the people and things that matter in your life. It is true that you cannot pour water from an empty glass.
Self-care is definitely like meditation, yoga, etc., but it’s also like getting enough sleep, eating healthy, moving your body, getting out in nature, and doing things you love.
Add it to your plans for the week. Add this to your calendar as it’s just as important as meetings or other events of your week (more so, IMO!). Self-care is a way of continually showing yourself that you are worthy of care and love, which will increase your self-esteem infinitely.
One of my favorite self-care rituals is to light candles and incense, put on some relaxing music, and read a book. It makes me feel cozy, cozy and relaxes me. It can be a variety of things—anything that helps you show yourself the love you deserve.
6. Try positive affirmations.
Affirmations are a great tool to help improve your self-esteem, but they need to be done correctly. Until I learned more about what affirmations do, they were kind of meaningless to me.
In order for them to work, our subconscious minds need to accept them as real.
For example, if you have a low sense of self-worth, you likely won’t immediately believe the affirmation “I am worthy of love” on a subconscious level. Such affirmations work well once your self-esteem is a little higher, but when you come from a place of low self-worth, your critical faculties won’t let go of “I am” affirmations.
As you develop your self-esteem, try using affirmations like, “I’m learning to feel worthy of love,” or “Every day, in every way, I’m learning to show myself the love and respect I deserve.”
Affirmations like these lend more credibility to your belief system. Over time, they will help you restructure your subconscious mind, helping you improve your self-esteem.
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I know firsthand that improving your self-worth can be a slow and bumpy road, but it’s a journey well worth taking. Self-esteem is an important aspect of building positive relationships with yourself and others.
By being gentle with yourself, accepting words of love from others, focusing on your achievements and skills, continually showing up and taking care of yourself, and reprogramming your subconscious mind, you can have a huge impact on the level of happiness and success in your life Impact.
Building a better relationship with yourself is the first step to building a better relationship with those around you, and if you ask me, loving, happy relationships are what life is all about. As RuPaul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how on earth are you going to love anyone else?”
About Sarah Littlefield
Sarah Littlefair is an integrative hypnotherapist and body coach. She helps people reprogram their minds and regulate their nervous systems so they can address the root causes of chronic stress, burnout, chronic illness, and emotional issues to feel calm and confident, and live their happiest, healthiest lives. If you would like further information please contact: Website: sarahlittlefair.com. Email: sarah@sarahlittlefair.com Instagram: @sarah_littlefair
