“Grief is not something that goes away forever. You just learn to adapt to it so you can move on in life, and over time it becomes less stressful, at least most of the time. ~David ·Baxter
Grief is a natural response to loss. Loss can mean the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the loss of a job or home, or a reaction to trauma, abuse, or betrayal. Grief manifests itself differently in different people. But the common thread is that grief is deep and grief is painful.
About six years ago my life changed drastically and it would never be the same again.
I grew up in a cult from the age of nine. I am a child of domestic violence and divorce. My father abandoned the family and we subsequently suffered abuse at the hands of my mother’s partner.
When I was seventeen, I met a young man and we started dating. We got married when I was nineteen, according to the strict moral code I was raised with.
We had two children and I struggled to be the perfect wife, mother, and cult member because I suffered from severe anxiety combined with self-loathing and distrust of others.
My husband is selfish and narcissistic, causing me to bear the burden of the family almost alone. Yet, I still struggle with the hope that my children will grow up with both parents and feel safe in a strong, supportive community.
Eventually, things came to a head and I just couldn’t do it anymore. After twenty years of marriage, I separated from my husband and was subsequently excommunicated from the cult. This meant I was completely cut off from my mother, my community, and my childhood friends—basically everything and everyone I knew and loved.
Outside of the cult, I had no one and nothing.
Almost overnight, I lost my entire identity and support network, along with the beliefs I had held on to throughout my life.
A few months after being excommunicated, a close family member took his own life at the age of twenty-seven. I was devastated and still reeling from the other losses that were still so severe.
Still, I was determined to rebuild a life for myself and my children. I educated myself, found a better job, met new people, built relationships, and ultimately met a wonderful man who continues to support and love me through all my struggles.
I just want to “move on” and build the life I want! But every now and then, I feel really sad.
I’m getting counseling for my situation which is helping, I’m living a good life and the things that hurt me are in the past. I’ve been doing all the “right” things, so why have I become so sad that I want to push everything and everyone away and be alone?
I would feel like I was accomplishing nothing and would be plagued by guilt, shame, and regret. It makes me feel vulnerable and insecure and I don’t understand why.
Then, after another weekend filled with tears and anxiety, I decided to try focusing on myself, meditating, journaling, and doing some yoga—all of which usually help at least alleviate the symptoms.
During my meditation, it occurred to me: I am still sad. I grieve the loss of my childhood, the loss of my community, my faith, my family and my friends. I grieve the loss of my parents and my beautiful nephew. I was sad about the life I imagined and the life I imagined my children would have.
I realized that grief has no time limit; it is not “done.” It’s not something we end up finishing and checking off.
My sadness doesn’t go away with time or lots of positive thinking.
When we suffer a loss, it affects us throughout our lives. It doesn’t matter. It’s uncomfortable and it’s sad, but it’s okay. It can sometimes be so painful that it can be overwhelming or debilitating. We can allow ourselves to feel this sadness. We can grieve. We can give ourselves a little space to commemorate this loss.
I write this because so many of us have suffered loss in our lives and we want so badly to move on, to do better, to be better, and to heal, that we can. But we must also remember that the loss we feel is real, grief is not a linear process, and if we are still grieving and grieving years later, that’s okay. We are not back to square one yet. We won’t start over, and we won’t accomplish anything.
We cannot force ourselves to “get over it.” However, we can make space for grief and still live a meaningful life. By honoring our grief, we can make space for the loss, but see that we can have a future and continue to work toward it.
I know I will never “get over” the effects of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and loss. I know I will always miss my nephew and grieve the loss of my nephew. I know I will always go back to grieving because those things cannot be erased from my memory because those things were my life and important to me.
But I can allow myself to grieve these losses without feeling guilt or shame. When I feel vulnerable, I can comfort myself and take care of myself instead of beating myself up or beating myself up for feeling that way and not being “strong.”
When I do this, I come back feeling comforted and validated that I can continue building the life I want for a while. I am grateful for the friendships and relationships I have made. I can explore new beliefs. I can have hope.
When I honor my grief, I honor the people I have loved and lost; I honor the beliefs I held and the hopes I had; I honor the hurt I have suffered; I am honored that they are my Part of my journey, in some ways, always will be. But I also allowed myself to accept the fact that I could handle grief and still live a good life. I can rebuild. I can be happy.
About Suzy Headley
Suzie Headley is a SEND lecturer working with young people with a range of additional needs. She believes that every day of life is a gift and is committed to living with mindful appreciation. She recently qualified as a yoga teacher and works with a charity to provide yoga services to children and young people with SEND. Susie loved the simplicity of life and believed it was the little things that made life beautiful and fulfilling.
