“As they are known and accepted by us, our feelings and honest exploration of them have become a shelter and spawning for the most radical and bold ideas.” ~Audre Lorde
High-speed train passes through the Japanese countryside. My neck grabbed the scenery and excitement fluttered in my belly. I was twenty-eight years old and realized my dream of becoming a professional singer.
My duo partner Caroline and I have just boarded the InterContinental Hotel in Manila, Philippines for a month. A twenty band supported our 45-minute show, delightful Motown Hits, 80s pop ballads and some Broadway music. Local authorities treat us like American stars, bathing us with gifts and fine dining.
Our next stop was at a Mandarin hotel in Singapore for a month. Open and acclaimed, we slowly developed a fan, including an outstanding elderly woman who invited us to her estate. There we drank sweet tea and rode the magnificent thoroughbred through the pristine rubber trees in the sloped afternoon sun.
I wonder what fun will bring when Japan speeds up Kyoto. What I don’t know is that instead of attending the large hotel venue, we were booked as a series of men’s clubs. Stamp stages do not allow space for meticulous or live bands. Instead, our charts have been recorded in the studio and have been simplified into cassettes.
Small clubs cater to successful men and their mistresses. One night, we struggled with hard performance Endless love When male customers grab their pants, they shake their tongues at us. I stared at the ceiling, completely unprepared for visual attacks, praying that my tears would not slide down my cheeks.
At every site on the tour, similar behaviors greet us. Unable to handle the experience, I turned to a bunch of pring and a cup of vanilla ice cream from the cart on our daily train ride for sale to the next city.
At the end of the tour, I fled to Los Angeles, feeling numb, weighing ten pounds, and never performing again.
In 1983, no one talked about trauma. The people around me laughed with funny anecdotes. I internalized my sense of shame and judged that I worked so hard that ultimately decided that my efforts in the entertainment business were not enough.
But is that fact? Is resilience really the answer to aggression and disrespect? Or is it necessary to retain an agent in dehumanized behavior to require another kind of authorization?
This question makes more sense than ever before when patriarchal values seem to be soaring. Fighting back on the same competitive environment, “eliminating” bullies simply doesn’t work. In fact, we need to get rid of the game board completely and rewrite the rules.
These are three authorization rules I wish I knew at the time.
Rule 1: Retrieve permission to your feelings.
When we are in powerless situations, we are convinced that the emotions that show honesty are weak, and strength comes from the fantasy of control. Keep the upper hand. This strategy collapses when we realize that primitive emotions may be our greatest source of power.
The real power is not our ability to manipulate people and the environment. It is a solid ability to act, and it connects with our true self. Emotions are the way to achieve authenticity.
Cultivating emotional vulnerability is difficult. It requires giving up your defense and heartfelt connection.
Few people know how to express clean (fragile) anger without transferring blame, judgment or justice indignation to, and may not even know what it is. Can you tell your spouse that you are angry at what they do when they are connected with your love and love for them? Can you browse the stings of humiliation and rejection to let friends see your nudity pain without diving into the humiliating shame?
Learning how susceptibility is a skill you can develop over time, and it will strengthen this skill when you accept the second rule.
Rule 2: Find a safe ally who will witness your truth.
Revealing how you feel can be horrible. Exposing your vulnerability to a boring audience can lead to self-destruction. The key is to find a safe ally who will reflect your truth and help you stand firmly in what you know.
Whether you are confiding with therapist, coach, good friend or spouse, the key is to find a safe place. Find someone who will open your heart to witness your truth and encourage your messy authenticity. Being seen has great power.
Rule 3: Convert the original emotion into authorized action.
Once you respect emotional truth, you may feel much better. Recovering yourself can be a temptation to leave unpleasant people behind you and keep moving forward. But this is where you need to dig out and add to your work.
Don’t waste your authority on victory!
If you have done the first two steps seriously, you will find many discoveries. What are the authorization options you want to implement?
I have seen countless times in my own life and in the lives of clients. When we finally make a sound of unexpressed hurt or anger, it becomes a springboard for profound change. We can get rid of unhealthy relationships. We can speak out with a colleague with clear boundaries. We can deliver on our needs and build confidence and respect.
When we accept that we are allowed to forge our own path, the decisions born from primitive vulnerability often become the decisive moments in life.
Rebuild the past
I thought of the childish young woman who returned from Japan with a broken dream. Forty years later, I knew she actually needed emotional support and wise guidance, but felt the wholeness.
In my imagination, I walked out of that dirty stage with her, then took off her makeup and sequined dress and returned to her hotel room.
I sat next to her, asking her true feelings, and just listening as she poured out her humiliation, anger, powerless powerlessness…her deep sense of disappointment and betrayal. When all the emotions were spent, I told her she had a choice. She has boundaries and does what suits her best for her.
Together we explore all her choices and their possible impact. Then, we let her decide. She doesn’t have to be a victim. She doesn’t have to let other people’s behavior determine her future.
Secret Rule #4
While we may not be able to rewrite past environments, we can absolutely rewrite the beliefs we have built in the process.
The most harmful ones are related to our dissatisfaction or the feeling that it is not worth it in some way. We can change these limited beliefs and help our young elves know that they are important and that their emotions are effective and heard.
Over the years, I have returned to my imagination and become a security ally of many young selves. Always make a difference.
Love is eternal. Imagination is creative.
This is the secret rule that enables us to heal. It’s never too late to stand in your own strength.
About Leza Danly
Leza Danly has coached individuals and groups for more than 30 years. In the 1990s, she led the Co-Activity Training Academy courses and developed their supervision standards. Leza continues to find Lucid Living, Inc. , provides a powerful course for soul-based transformation workshops. She is currently writing a book and her solo show Soul Crumb will debut in July. You can read more of her articles on lezadanly.com.
