“Sometimes the thing you’re most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.” ~Robert Tew
I’m not kidding when I say I need people to like that I’ve been one of the hidden rulers of my life!
Ever since I was a kid, I wanted everyone to like me and would get extremely anxious if they didn’t. My fear of other people’s disapproval lurked quietly beneath the surface, like a shadow under my skin, dictating my actions and emotions.
I was so afraid of other people’s disapproval that I would ruminate on insignificant things I said to others and small actions I took, trying to determine whether they would be received in a way that might trigger disappointment or rejection.
Today, when I think back to that version of me who needed people to like me in order to run my life, I feel a wave of compassion.
It was that version of me that decided to go through a marriage that I knew wasn’t right for me because I was worried that people would be disappointed or disapproving if I decided to walk away from the engagement.
It’s that version of me that easily disappears from friendships when I feel judged because I’d rather fade into the distance than face the experience with curiosity and presence.
It was that version of me that was afraid of saying no to work commitments because I was putting other people’s needs before my own.
It’s that version of me that overcommits to meet other people’s demands and then has to anxiously back off because I can’t manage my own over-the-top schedule.
That version of me would quickly run out of energy, burnout, nerves, and burnout.
One day I had to face the inner shadow that was so afraid of upsetting others because I had lost sight of what was truly most important: my own inner compass.
My closest family members say they don’t even recognize me anymore.
Sometimes, when we reach the depths of our inner darkness—when the shadow of fear overwhelms the light of our spirits—we can experience the richest, most transformative turning points in our lives. For me, this is certainly the case.
Through a series of random events, I began to face my fear-based shadow.I attended an intensive Gestalt therapy group that helped me rediscover my sense of being grounded in my body and Belong to a community at the same time. I reconnected with nature and started taking regular walks, taking off my shoes, feeling the earth beneath my feet, and going camping. I reconnected with music and dance. I regained my inner energy.
I learned the gift of saying “no.” I learned to feel the strength in my spine and the tenderness in my heart when I spoke the clear truth about my boundaries, my limits, and my glorious “no.”
The gift of allowing myself to say “no” has set me free. I realized that by saying “no,” I was offering others the greatest gift I could give them, which is my honesty and integrity. If people feel disapproved or disappointed by my boundaries, I realize I can empathize with their struggles without taking responsibility.
Another surprising aspect of allowing myself to say “no” is that it also gives me a new perspective on other people’s limitations and boundaries.
Today, when someone responds to my request with limits or boundaries, I recognize the beauty of their response. Even though I was a little disappointed that they couldn’t connect with me in the way I was seeking in that moment, I felt even more honored that they trusted me to listen and respect their boundaries. Experiencing other people’s limits in this way is also unexpectedly liberating.
Embracing the gift of no also offers me the real possibility of yes. My “yes” sounds clearer, like a beautiful bell. Because I honor the truth of my limits, my open experience of Yes is more vibrant and present. When I feel my Yes, I feel the wholeness, clarity, and joy of this opening because my limits are honored within me.
Do I have to face the reality that not everyone likes me? you bet. It’s not easy either. However, I find it interesting to reflect on my old self and realize that not everyone liked me back then.
I’ve been surprised to find that my gift of “no” allows me to connect more deeply with people who enjoy my company and celebrate our relationships because I show up more authentically.
Although the fear of disapproval and disappointment has had a huge impact on my life over the years, I do not regret this journey. It was not easy and took a lot of courage to face my fears, but I am grateful that my shadow provided me with such a valuable lesson.
Ultimately, it was my fear of people not liking me that ultimately led me down the path of loving and accepting myself more completely. It was the darkness of that shadow that became the catalyst for me to see the brilliant, fiery light of life.
Every once in a while, the shadow of fear reappears. But today, I can greet this fear like an old, familiar friend, a reminder that I am definitely an imperfect human being. I noticed the contrast as I faced my fear and now I have the courage to feel grounded and belonging within me.
Fear no longer has the same power over me. I can still choose to feel my strong spine and tender heart and walk in my own truth.
If I could offer any little pearls of wisdom from my own journey, I would offer these.
Invite your fear to be your ally.
If you can invite your fear to become your ally by being curious to learn more about what it might be trying to protect you from, then you can ask yourself if there are other ways to protect yourself.
In my case, my fear was trying to protect me from letting others down, and I really needed to protect myself by giving myself the space to practice saying “no.”
Start small, because small things matter!
By starting with small steps rather than larger ones, we can gradually practice a new habit or lifestyle at the outset. This practice is important because when you gain ground and maintain balance through small steps of setting limits and boundaries, you can work toward setting the larger limits you need.
In my case, I first engage in activities that I enjoy, such as going for a walk, even though some of my family members would rather I engage in what they want to do at the time.
Remember to breathe.
Sometimes when we face a fear—no matter how small—we may tense and contract our bodies without realizing it, which can exacerbate our inner feelings of fear and anxiety. Gently remind yourself to take deep breaths and see if that relieves the tension in your body.
Sometimes, life is such a beautiful twist. If someone had told me a few years ago that I would be sitting at the kitchen table writing and reflecting on the gifts I say “no” to, I wouldn’t even know what they were talking about. Of course not; my shadow of fear has not yet led me to this wisdom.
I’m grateful it did.
About Elizabeth Minton
Elizabeth Mintun is a mindfulness coach and psychotherapist.She is the creator and host of the show calm ground podcast. Elizabeth has a private psychotherapy practice and a mindful living coaching practice.She also has an online self-care membership for women called Calm ground. For a free guided meditation, click here. You can also follow The Calming Ground on Facebook and Instagram.
