“Agreing to something to keep the peace is actually a trauma response. When you do this, you are disrespecting your own boundaries. Stop making yourself uncomfortable and make others feel comfortable. You have control now. You run your life. Take up space and use your voice. ~Dj Love the Light.
I read the text message from my stepmom inviting everyone to her house for a holiday dinner, and my stomach started churning. I had no intention of participating, but the thought of saying no immediately filled me with guilt.
I typed “how to decline an invitation” and hit search.
I felt like I should go to their dinner even though I didn’t want to. My stepparents were always disappointed when some of us said no. Will they be angry if I refuse this time? Will they ask why my family can’t come?
Plus, my sister was coming to town for the holidays and I didn’t want her to be disappointed that my family wouldn’t be here. Various scenarios played out in my mind, exacerbating my feelings of shame, and my feelings of guilt followed.
The next day, I replied to everyone: “The Montgomerys didn’t make it. Have a nice holiday.” tried Get yourself out of trouble. I’ve been so overwhelmed lately; I just needed a break.
I spent most of my life being conditioned to believe that my needs didn’t matter. When I was eight, my mother had breast cancer, and she and my stepfather kept it a secret to “protect” the children. All this took away my ability to express my fears and be comforted.
I was told to put a smile on my face when we visited her in the hospital—”Don’t cry. You don’t want to make your mother sad”—which told me that my sadness was irrelevant and that I should be focusing on my mother. Happiness.
She died when I was twelve, and even then, as I sat in the back seat of the car home, I was handed a tissue to wipe the tears from my face, without a hug or a word of comfort. if.
When my stepfather remarried, my stepmother’s narcissism only reinforced the idea that my needs didn’t matter. Her children mattered; her children mattered. I don’t. Her feelings come first. Mine was very inconvenient. I learned that acknowledging my stepparent’s needs and preferences equaled safety, even if I wasn’t comfortable with it myself.
My stepparents were emotionally and verbally abusive. My stepfather was a screamer who used his anger as a weapon. My stepmother is a narcissist with a strong sense of entitlement and superiority. They demand compliance.
I buried my needs and made myself small as a means of survival. To endure the trauma, I became a people pleaser. I spent decades in survival mode, never making a sound, never taking up space.
In my thirties, I finally realized that what people told me, “You don’t matter,” wasn’t true at all.After years of therapy and building a happy, healthy family of my own, I began to understand that I Do Questions and my needs yes Effective.
Even into adulthood, getting married and having children, I continued to work on my relationship with my stepparents. I tolerated their insults and made excuses. “That’s just the way they are,” or, “We must Go; they are a family.
After my stepparents let me off the hook for the second time, I finally reached my breaking point. We were supposed to have lunch but they didn’t show up. This happened last month too, but I gave them the benefit of the doubt. This was the last straw.
I spent a lot of time and energy trying to make them a part of my life and my children’s, yet my invitations were ignored while I was asked to show up for them whether it fit in with our schedules or not.
I decided to limit my exposure. I will not contact them again and will only attend holidays or birthdays when I am free and willing. I don’t want to have no contact at all because I still want to interact with my siblings and their families.
The boundaries I set were very helpful. They reduced the damage my stepparents did to me and my family. Whenever we get together with them and make cruel comments or vitriol, I find it has lost its power. Now instead of making me cry, I shrug, roll my eyes and say, “That’s just how they are.”
I refuse to give my power to them again. Their attempt to harm me now failed. I no longer identified with their narrative about me.
Boundaries and taking back my voice are now my norm; however, I still feel that way I do not mind Quietly returning, I returned to the pleasant surroundings of the factory. Trauma is tricky.
When I find myself in people-pleasing mode, putting my own needs aside to take care of everyone and everything else, I need to remember that prioritizing others at the expense of myself can lead to exhaustion and resentment. I remind myself that I am in control of my life, that I matter, and that my needs are valid.
Prioritizing your needs and establishing boundaries can be daunting when you’re not used to using your voice and taking up space. To stop putting other people’s comfort before your own, try the following.
1. Assess the situation.
- Check in with yourself: How are you feeling? Are your needs met?
- IF/THEN: If you are burned out and your needs are not being met, what needs to change?
- Please note: What people/places are challenging for you?
2. Create a feasible plan.
- Meeting my needs looks like: taking a walk every day and saying no when I feel overwhelmed.
- Challenge people/places: Establish boundaries and eliminate toxic environments.
- Reminder: Be kind to yourself and respond as you would a friend, without shaming.
3. Adjust and continue.
- What works: Set a boundary and only help your neighbor when freedom is good.
- What goes wrong: Family members feel uncomfortable with boundaries, leading to guilt and shame.
- Key takeaway: Practice giving yourself grace and remember that “no” is a complete sentence.
- Learning: It gets easier; you can do it again; you’re not responsible for other people’s reactions.
There’s a reason the saying “You can’t pour from an empty cup” is so popular. Give yourself some grace as you rediscover your value and worth. Use your voice and take up space. You are very important.
About Sadie Montgomery
Sadie Montgomery was born and raised in the Midwest and currently lives on Lake Superior with her husband and children. An amateur baker and professional accountant, she won the award for best sense of humor in sixth grade. Scar Atlas is her first memoir. You can find her on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok and Sadiemontgomery.com.
