“Don’t apologize for crying. Without this emotion, we are just robots. ~Elizabeth Gilbert
A few nights ago, I was at a trendy, loud Mexican restaurant with some friends. Between sips of spicy margaritas and bites of guacamole chips, I was talking privately with a friend of mine about her recent struggles. She revealed to me that she was still very sad about the loss of her mother.
Even though it had been two years, she still found herself crying alone in front of others when she talked about or thought about her mother. She mentioned that a week ago, someone at work asked her a question about her mom, and when she answered, she started to cry. Then, she felt embarrassed, quickly covered her face with her hands, and began to apologize endlessly.
“I’m sorry!” she quipped. “I didn’t expect to be emotional. I apologize for my tears.
This gave me pause. I was obsessed with it all. I thought about this and it hit me. What is wrong with our society? Wait, don’t answer this question yet. There are so many things, but I am referring to this one in particular.
Why do we apologize when we cry? It should definitely be the other way around. Crying can open a person’s heart and soul. It’s fragile. It is real, open, and connected. That’s exactly what we do when we’re hurt. We purge our sorrows with tears.
When my kids were little and they would burp or fart, I would always say, “It’s better to be out than in,” and this is the same thing. It’s better to be out than in. Release the flood. Cry your eyes out. And, for the love of us all, please don’t apologize.
Instead, I suggest we start a movement. Instead of apologizing, why not do the opposite? When the tears start to flow, how about you say “I don’t regret that I cried”? This is taking our power back. It takes pride in knowing you are authentic, vulnerable, and open.
My best friend is a therapist. I discussed this with her and she told me that almost every time a client cries, they apologize to her. think about it. They paid her a large sum of money to be “seen” and told her they were sorry for crying. She told me that she always tells them to never apologize for crying, but that usually doesn’t stop them from saying it in every subsequent session.
After realizing the obvious phenomenon of tears starting to flow when apologizing, I discovered that it happens everywhere. This is reflected in every reality show on television, as these seem to be the primary platforms for crying. Whenever I see someone crying, they say “I’m sorry… uh, I’m sorry…” as they try to calm themselves down. I could see the embarrassment in their faces and demeanor.
I also recently attended a funeral and noticed that every time someone told me a story and started crying, the next words were always “I’m sorry.” It’s everywhere. I’ve never been around someone or seen someone in a show or movie say, “I’m not sorry. I don’t regret showing you my heart, opening my soul, showing my vulnerability.
Think about how you feel when you are with someone who starts crying. For me, I was completely softened inside. No matter what the situation. Even if I’m angry at the person, I don’t like them that much, or I don’t know them that well.
The moment someone cries in front of me, it melts a little inside me. No matter how big my defense is, whether it’s big or small, it’s going to get beat down. I do see them as a sentient soul who happens to be human. I’m attracted to them. I feel connected. I want to be closer to them.
I’m also honored that they feel safe crying in front of me. I feel a little special, even if it’s completely unintentional on their part. I feel like they let me in and let me learn more about who they are.
So, after coming up with this new manifesto, I knew I needed to start living it and see how it felt. It showed up two days later. I told my husband about my memories of his recently deceased father, and in this tender moment, the tears began to fall.
I get caught up in rote thoughts and feelings and am quick to apologize.
“I’m sorry, I got so excited,” I said, and then I remembered. Oh my gosh, no, it’s not that. So I corrected myself. “I don’t regret it, I mean.”
The funny thing is, I’m sure he didn’t notice my retreat at all. Yet I did it. I’ve noticed that it feels better to say I’m not sorry. It gave me agency. I didn’t feel weak. I felt empowered by my words and tears. It’s not even about power; It’s really about authenticity and honesty.
There is power in complete transparency. Life is hard and our hearts will be broken from time to time, sometimes often. This is our chance to truly experience the human experience. Crying is human. As humans, there is no reason to apologize. let it go. Let it all out with passion, then stand up strong and say, “I don’t regret I cried,” and see how it feels.
I have no regrets.
About Laura Pastor
Laura Pastor can be contacted at gumprun@austin.rr.com. You can find her teaching yoga on the pier or at the Lake Austin Spa, or playing with her sparkling dog. She wrote a manuscript about her battle with breast cancer and collaborated with some friends so that there would be different stories in the book. She hopes to publish it soon so others going through cancer can find hope and connection.
