“Don’t be afraid to start over. This time you don’t start from scratch, but from experience. ~Unknown
Five years ago, as I approached my fortieth birthday, I felt deeply dissatisfied with my life.
I was determined to change things: leave San Francisco, where I’d lived for nearly a decade, change the trajectory of my career, and finally commit to my passion—writing.
I also vowed to address intimacy issues in friendships and relationships. This longing led to countless online dates and deeper reflections, particularly about the impact of my mother’s death when I was a teenager and the emotional distance between my father and I.
That time of reflection allowed me to face my deepest insecurities and desires, forcing me to look in the mirror and decide what changes I could make to live a more harmonious life. Age is a factor when I think about what to do with the rest of my life.
Ultimately, it came down to honestly assessing and accepting the situation I was in, and then changing the things within my control.
Accept that you are single and childless
When I was in my early thirties, a close friend’s mother encouraged me to have a baby because she claimed I would regret it later. As I approach my forties and reflect on my choice not to have children, I have no regrets about not having children.
However, in my forties I did face the social stigma of being “single and childless.” Friends will make comments about single people in their thirties or forties, implying that there must be something “wrong” with them if they are still single. I want to challenge this assumption.
Some people may have a fear of intimacy due to past trauma, but that doesn’t mean there’s something inherently wrong with them. I believe that others may actually prefer single life.
I’m happy with my decision not to have children, and I’m grateful that not having children allowed me to make changes, like moving to Santa Fe in my early forties, that might not have been as easy with children. This move had an incredibly positive impact on my life because entering the “magic place” opened the door to an extremely satisfying creative life.
intentionally shape my life
I conducted a “life audit” and reflected on different aspects of my life. Granted, I didn’t conquer everything all at once, but I slowly transformed every aspect of my life. For example, I started by expressing that I was unhappy in San Francisco and started thinking about what kind of environment would be suitable for me.
Next, I took a look at my career and admitted that I wanted to spend more time on my personal writing. So I tried to find a job that would provide a steady income without burning me out and allow me to focus on my creative life. I do hope to be in a healthy relationship one day, so I understand that this may require work on my part – acknowledging the obstacles I encounter in intimacy and reflecting on how previous relationships went wrong.
Slowly, I began to address various aspects of my life, and I could see that as I became more intentional about where I put my time and energy and where I focused my thoughts, my life began to transform.
Embrace the process of self-discovery
Inner work over the past five years (I will be forty-five later this year) has guided me to a life of balance, purpose, and meaning. During those years, I felt like I looked in the mirror, reconciled my past, and reclaimed my future.
I knew it was never too late to change the course of my life. While it hasn’t been easy, the journey I’m on now has been incredibly rewarding.
Today, my nervous system has shifted from fight-or-flight mode to a stable resting place that allows me to fully appreciate all that I have created: a remote job, my writing career, my community, and what I call It’s a new place to call home.
I realize that the “life audit” I conducted at age forty got me to where I am today, and I know that this transformation is possible for anyone who dares to reinvent themselves in midlife.
Five Steps to Reinvention
The following five steps may help you make your midlife transition.
1. Be honest with yourself.
Embrace your life and acknowledge the successes and challenges. I recommend doing a life audit and reflecting on all aspects of it, then asking a trusted friend to review it.
Are you satisfied with your job or career? Are you satisfied with your relationships? Do you think life is meaningful? Do you like where you live? Evaluate which areas you are satisfied with and which areas could improve your life. Consider creating a detailed list of these aspects and rating them on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most satisfactory.
2. Practice self-forgiveness.
Release guilt or regret by forgiving yourself for past decisions and focusing on the lessons learned. Avoid falling into the trap of thinking you should be at a certain point at a certain age – that’s not helpful.
If you feel like something in your life needs to change, know that with some effort, you can achieve the improvements you want. Not forgiving yourself can lead to resentment, which doesn’t provide a natural flow in your life or the right energy to create the transformation you need.
Self-forgiveness isn’t just about letting go; it’s about the sense of accomplishment of overcoming past challenges.
3. Prioritize goals.
After completing your life audit, identify the changes you want to make and focus on those that are most important to your growth and happiness. You may not be able to change everything right away, so focus on manageable areas. Prioritizing goals isn’t just about setting goals; it’s about being focused and determined to make changes that will lead to a more fulfilling life.
For example, if you want to move and change jobs, you can tackle both problems at the same time. If you want to start something fresh, you could hire a coach who focuses on midlife career transitions. Or, if you want to build a strong relationship, work with a therapist to explore obstacles and gradually become more active in online dating.
If improving physical health is a goal, spend more time in the gym. As I did, you’ll find that the changes we have to make tend to become more manageable as we progress each day.
4. Embrace change.
Welcome change as an opportunity for growth rather than something to be feared. Making big changes in your life can be scary, but that’s one of the great things about midlife—you’ve been through a lot, so you’ve probably built up enough confidence and courage to further improve your life.
Embracing change is not just about adapting; It’s about feeling empowered to shape your life the way you see fit. While change can be daunting, trust that you’ll be excited about the possibilities as you start taking steps toward a more consistent life.
5. Build a support network.
Surround yourself with like-minded people who will encourage and inspire you on your journey. A good friend or supportive community will be invaluable during this transitional time.
Before my fortieth birthday, I held regular hen gatherings at my home in San Francisco. I was surrounded by like-minded women facing challenges who became a trusted think tank and supportive community.
Don’t be afraid of middle age!
Although middle age is portrayed as a frightening and challenging time, it is by contrast an exciting time when people can reflect on their lives and use life experiences to guide the next stage of life. and create waves of change.
About Christina Waugh
Christina Vo is a Santa Fe-based writer whose work delves into themes of loss, intergenerational trauma, healing, and the concepts of family and reconciliation. Her second book, My Vietnam, your Vietnaman intergenerational memoir she co-wrote with her father. Christina too The Veil Between Two Worlds: A Memoir of Silence, Loss, and the Search for Home. Visit her at christinavo.com or Instagram @stina_vo.
