“We rejoice in the beauty of a butterfly but rarely acknowledge the changes it undergoes to achieve this beauty.” ~Maya Angelou
I’ve always been a “fixer.”
I love solving people’s problems.
Is anyone feeling down? Let me solve this problem by taking away their pain.
Has anyone taken the wrong path in life? Let me fix it and get you back on track.
My loved one made unhealthy life decisions? Let me fix this and make them happier.
“Fixing” people makes me feel good.
It makes me feel wanted and purposeful.
It makes me feel like I’m making a difference.
But sometimes this leads to me becoming a martyr.
Are you a repairman?
As a solver, you are most likely an empath. You are able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and hopefully take away any pain they are feeling because you are feeling it with them.
As a Fixer, you will often drop what you are doing to help others.
As a problem solver, you often feel guilty for saying no. Around “let someone down”.
As a solver, you can often be very hard on yourself for not being helpful enough, good enough, or unable to solve a perceived problem.
As a mediator, you often attract people who may take advantage of your heart and are willing to help.
As a restorer, you may have qualities of a martyr. Healthline defines a martyr as someone “who sacrifices their own needs and desires in order to do things for others,” sometimes helping others out of obligation or guilt, which can lead to feelings of resentment, lack of appreciation, or anger.
I knew I was living in an unhealthy martyr mentality when I began to realize that I had been resenting the “fix” and putting myself last. When I began to feel that the sacrifices I was making were not adequately valued and recognized. When I find out if I don’t “fix” someone, I feel guilty and worry that they won’t love me if I don’t keep saying “yes.”
The lesson I learned from being a fixer is By trying to solve everyone’s problems, you won’t allow the people you’re trying to solve to grow into their best selves. Being the solver and taking on other people’s pain is also mentally draining and detrimental to your mental health and well-being.
I’ve realized this at multiple points in my life. However, the turning point for me was when I felt completely helpless in a situation.
Many years ago, my sister experienced infidelity in her long-term relationship while living in another country.
I also ran away from home and was cheated on and my heart is truly broken for her. Knowing that the pain she might be feeling—the insecurities, shame, hurt, betrayal, anger, and sadness pulsing through her blood—felt like it was pulsing through mine. My heart felt like a dagger as I knew all too well the pain she would face in the coming weeks and months as she pieced her life back together.
I just want her to get out of this.
But there was nothing I could do to take it away from her.
I was thousands of miles away and recounting my own experiences with infidelity was not helpful to her or my current relationship.
She had to deal with it and grow through it like so many others, and I couldn’t actually fix it.
I feel helpless.
That’s when I stumbled upon this beautiful story about butterflies from many years ago. You may have heard a version before, but I kept this one because it’s so powerful. The website I copied is no longer online, so the author is unknown, but needs to be shared.
Once upon a time, a little girl was playing in her grandmother’s garden when she noticed some butterflies about to emerge from their cocoons.
She watched as the first butterfly tried to fly out of its home. I struggled for a long time. When the butterfly flies out, it is exhausted. It has to rest on a branch for a while before it can take off. The little girl felt sorry for the little butterfly, who had gone through so much struggle to break free from his little cocoon.
When the little girl sees the second cocoon ready to hatch, she doesn’t want it to go the way the first butterfly did. So she personally helped break the cocoon and brought the butterfly out. She placed him on a branch and rescued him from his struggle. But the second little butterfly died, and the first struggling little butterfly flew into the sky.
The little girl was upset and ran to her grandma to cry. “What happened? Why did the second butterfly die?” she asked.
Her grandmother explained that butterflies have a fluid at their core, and as they struggle to emerge from their cocoons, the fluid is pushed into the veins of the butterfly’s wings, where it hardens and strengthens the wings. If the butterfly doesn’t push, pull, and struggle to break free from its cocoon, its wings won’t be strong enough to fly, and the butterfly will die.
“Without struggle, there are no wings.” said the grandmother, stroking her granddaughter’s hair. “As is the case with you, kid. In life, you will go through hard times. But it is the difficulties, the struggles, that help you grow and help you learn to fly.
“But won’t it hurt?” the little girl asked.
“Sometimes, things will hurt. Sometimes, things will be difficult. But one day, it will all be worth it. You will learn from all your struggles – and they will teach you how to fly!
Struggles make us stronger, they teach us, they empower us, they connect us.
Don’t deprive someone of the opportunity to grow by trying to “fix” someone or save them from a trial.
Without struggle, they would not have wings.
At that point in my life, my perspective on being a restorer changed.
My sister is stronger, more beautiful, and happier than ever, and I’ve done nothing to “fix” it.
Although I am still an empath and still feel all the feelings, I have come to accept and accept that letting others go through their own struggles is one of the most empowering things I can do for them.
If you are a forever solver, realize that you can be their listening support, shoulder to cry on, and trusted advice giver…but you must allow them to go through their struggles without taking on all of their Emotions just like what you are experiencing.
Because alleviating their struggles will not only stress you out, it will stunt their growth.
Let them fly.
This is one of the best gifts you can give them.
As a closing note, going from one remission fixer to another, I want you to know that this may be hard for you to do. Recognizing and bringing awareness to the fact that you may have characteristics that make you a martyr can (and likely will) carry you into your own periods of struggle and growth.
Saying “no” to someone you love is often harder for a resolver than saying “no” to another person, especially if you are acting as an enabler of unhealthy behavior. But from my professional and personal experience, please know that by allowing them to empower themselves, you are empowering yourself.
