Having a baby changes your life and your relationship with your partner. Nothing brings problems to the surface like becoming a parent. The stress and strain of parenting, combined with the maternal or paternal lineage each of you carries, makes all of your problems more apparent.
Nurture not only your own well-being, but your partner’s well-being as well.
In addition to other life changes, postpartum hormones can exacerbate feelings of connection and conflict. A common complaint I hear from women in my women’s health physical therapy practice is that they find themselves feeling angry at their partner, sometimes without even knowing why. Keep some perspective when feelings happen. Monitor your reactions and remember that how you feel may be more important than the truth of what is happening in the moment.
Plus, you and your partner are going through big changes and it will take time to adjust. Being patient and caring towards each other is a top priority. To strengthen your connection during this transition, focus on your partner’s attributes and qualities that attract you. Enjoy your baby together and enjoy the union that nourishes this new life.
Some early conflicts that arise between mothers and fathers are over gender differences in caregiving.
Of course, every parent will be different in many ways, even between mothers or fathers, but gender issues come up often enough to warrant mentioning. My own experience is a perfect example. When my first son was six months old, I took him to a baby massage class to learn the techniques of baby massage. Most participants were mothers. On the last day, partners – most of them fathers – were invited to attend.
My husband’s ranching family isn’t very used to hugging or touching each other, and perhaps being a male exacerbates my husband’s discomfort with touch. Still, I wish he’d treated his children differently. During the massage technique instruction, my husband’s hands only had partial contact with his son’s body. He seemed nonchalant about the massage. By the end of the course, I was angry. I feel like my husband has done a pretty good job of getting over the lack of contact and all the problems that come with it. While we can pass on patterns of hurt in our parenting, in this case, I attached meaning to a situation.
I approached the teacher after class and shared some of my concerns and asked her if she could talk to my husband about the importance of touch. Instead of talking to my partner, she told me an old story about how mothers hold their children tightly and teach them about themselves, while fathers lift their children up to the sky and teach them about their relationship to the world.
This is not what I want to hear.
Although I thought about her words, it was not until several years later that I had some experience with parenting and had some awareness of the characteristics of different parenting styles that I truly understood what they meant.
As a mother, I have an innate ability to meet my children’s needs—in fact, I often intuitively sense their needs when they start making requests. In order for their father to satisfy their needs, these children have to become louder and even ask for something multiple times to get his attention. To the extent that he is insensitive to their needs, this means they must learn the basic skills of advocating for themselves. Our skills as parents are complementary.
In same-sex or non-binary partnerships, gender differences may not play as big a role, but parenting styles can still differ or complement each other. Couples can enhance communication and skills by respecting the strengths of different styles. Ideally, couples can learn from each other and their collective strengths can make up for inevitable shortcomings.
As I continue to advocate for the importance of touch and connection in our families, it’s worth discussing issues and identifying limiting patterns. But both parents don’t need to provide the same type of parenting to their children.
About the Author
Tami Lynn Kent is a women’s health physical therapist, TEDx speaker, and founder of Holistic Pelvic CareTM, who uses her ability to read the body’s energy patterns. Kent has a private practice and international training programs in Portland, Oregon. She has written three previous books. Her latest work, Wild Motherhood: Finding Strength, Spirit, and Joy in Birth and Creative Motherhood (Atria Books, May 7, 2024) is the latest updated version of her classic, Mother from your center. For more information, please visit www.wildfeminine.com.
