“When we become aware of our weaknesses or negative tendencies, we have the opportunity to address them.” ~ Ellen Looks
Last year, I took my then six-year-old son to a kite festival. He was ecstatic about flying kites and we spent a lot of time doing that!
At one point, his kite string got tangled up with another woman’s kite string. Both kites fell to the ground, and the lady and I began working to untangle the strings.
My little guy excitedly asked repeatedly if we were done and if he could fly the kite again. I assured him that I understood his excitement and that his kite would be ready soon.
However, the woman was visibly angry, looked at him judgmentally, and finally told him that he was impatient and needed to stop asking.
I calmly explained to her that he was just excited to fly the kite and reminded her that he was only six years old.
This incident made me see the shadow of her impatience. She was essentially impatiently telling a young, excited child to be patient, without realizing her own impatience. This is what we call a shadow.
Recognizing our own shadows can be challenging because they are hidden within us, much like how a computer runs its set of programs without being aware of them. Our shadows are ingrained from childhood, making it difficult for us to see them clearly.
Here are some common examples of shadows I see in clients, family, friends, and even myself:
- A parent yells at his children to stop yelling.
- Parents (or anyone) get impatient with their children’s impatience.
- Some people speak ill of others while complaining that they are mean, without realizing that speaking ill of others is unkind behavior.
- People who desire more kindness from others but gossip behind their backs.
- I’m often not sure if someone wants me involved in their life or career, but the truth is, I’m the indecisive one.
The shadow makes us critical and inhibits our ability to love, compassion, joy, presence, and understanding. They limit our experience of life. That’s why I believe shadow work is essential to a happy and connected life.
So, how do we illuminate and release our own shadows? Here are a few steps:
1. Raise awareness: Pay attention to your triggers—when you feel frustrated, impatient, annoyed, or judgmental with others.
2. acknowledge emotions: Allow yourself to fully feel the emotion without judging or resisting.
3. stay curious: Curiosity transcends judgment. Ask yourself: What is it about this person that makes me feel this way?
4. Identify shadows: Recognize that parts of yourself that you deny or repress are being projected onto others. Ask yourself why you are judging them.
5. observe honestly: Be completely honest and look at your darker parts. Acknowledge it by saying, “I see you.”
6. Find out why:Ask yourself why this shadow appears. Often, it’s the younger, wounded parts of yourself that need healing and love.
7. Nurture the injured part: Decide who you are protecting – maybe a little girl who is being scolded or punished. Hold this part of yourself with love, acceptance, and compassion.
8. Heal with love: Send love, patience, and kindness to this part of yourself. Give her what she needs at that moment.
9. Apply this love now: Extend this love to your current self and watch how it changes how you feel about situations or people.
10. practice regularly: Repeat these steps until it gets easier. When you nurture these parts of yourself, they will trust you more and you will feel more grounded and loving.
By illuminating our shadows, we can transform judgment into understanding, impatience into patience, and ultimately live happier, more connected lives.
